We could not talk or talk forever

Hi –

I went and saw Dr. Lee again yesterday. It was actually a good session I thought, at least for the first 30 minutes or so. The conversation was flowing nicely and moving along, we were talking and discussing and it was a definite give and take. Then of course I was done. I didn’t really have anything else to share so the last 15 minutes or so we just stared at each other making a comment here and there.

She brought up the detached thing again, which I’m sure she is right about. I probably am super detached. I find myself in complete disbelief of the situation. It’s not that I don’t believe it, because I do. I understand that this is the truth about my life, but it just doesn’t make any sense. I’m not in denial about it; I’m just in disbelief.

We also talked about how I don’t like to talk about my feelings, or my thoughts, or how I’m dealing. How my whole process is not talking. I’m not not talking, in an effort of full avoidance, but I don’t see how talking helps. This is something that will never change. This isn’t something that a conversation and a hug will fix. This isn’t something to be fixed. This is it. This is my new truth, forever.

This is also something that I don’t want to share with other people because it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and by far the most painful. I don’t want those around me to ever feel that pain, my caretaker gene didn’t magically turn off because of what happened. I don’t see how sitting down with a friend and talking about this, sharing some tears, a hug, maybe a drink will make me feel better. This isn’t something that a good cry will change. This isn’t something that after a good conversation and some uplifting words I will feel better about. This just is.

The only talking I like is not about anything specific. Just regular old normal conversations. I also like being around people who miss you just as much as me. There’s a silent understanding that happens. I can’t explain it, and I can’t duplicate it. But being near people whose heart is just as heavy as mine helps.

Here on this blog, writing to you helps. For right now, for me, that’s enough.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel