I'm beyond your peripheral vision

Hi –

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just an average person. That sounds really horrible, but everyone wants to believe that they are special. That there is something about them that makes then unique and special in their own way. Obviously there are people in this world who would say that I am; you would have. But you also wouldn’t have filled my head with ridiculousness and untruthful things. I know I’m not going to grow up to be the next Barbra Streisand with a voice that would make people cry. Or win an Oscar anytime soon. But I wonder if there is something special and unique about me. I don’t really feel that there is. And I don’t mean it in a way to get sympathy from people. But I’m not going to cure cancer one day, discover come un-charted territory, or change the face of anything really. I’m just going to continue along this life that I have doing nothing exceptional I think. And I might be OK with that. I might not. I’m a bit torn.

Hopefully one day I’ll get married and have kids and I guess that would fall under the category of doing something exceptional – giving the gift of life. But that’s something millions of people do all the time.

I think perhaps filling people’s heads with the unobtainable goal that they might do something really insanely special when they don’t have the capacity to do it might be a dis-service to them. I know I'm not going to cure cancer, because I'm not smart enough too. That’s an extremely honest truth about me. I’m not the smartest kid in the room, never was. I like to say I’m the hardest working kid though. But hardworking doesn’t make you special. It makes you tired.

I don’t think we should go around dashing all little kids hopes and dreams. Kalel should believe that he can do anything he wants to, or at least whatever he sets his mind too. But at the same time there will come a moment, probably when he’s around 18 when he might realize that no matter how much he wants to be a rock star, he actually might not be able to sing.

I don’t know, I'm rambling. I’ve been in a melancholy mood all day and now I'm sharing it. Perhaps I shouldn’t be doing that. I mean I know I'm one of a kind – that there really isn’t anyone quite like me out there in the world but that’s not because I'm ‘special’. I think that’s more because I'm completely ridiculous and neurotic and random and special in the way that has you ending up in a padded room.

I don’t know. I do know I miss you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“I’m a poster girl with no poster.

I’m 32 flavors and then some”