Welcome Baby Blue Miller!

Hi –

At 12:19am Avery Rae Miller was born, weighing approximately 11 pounds and 1 ounce with a perfectly rounded head. Yeah you read that right, 11 pounds.  She scored an 8 than a 9 on her ABGAR. So she’s obviously going to be a genius, and on a day far in the future she will catch her first glimpse of Kalel where they will fall madly in love and continue to produce genius children. It’s written in the stars, or at least I just put it in the stars today. And I’m pretty sure Kahni has put it out there as well. And as the secret says, all you need to do it put something out into the world.

In other closely related news, I almost had what would have been a full on breakdown right there in the hallway of the hospital. Danny came down the hallway with Avery, where we were all crowded waiting for him, and stopped so he could present her to the world. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, god parents all oohed and ahhed over her. I bobbed and weaved my way in between to catch my own glimpse; I am after all much shorter than these people.  Kahni stepped up to Danny and kissed her head, which was full of hair, and I lost it. It was this beautiful moment and it was taken from us. We won’t get to have it, or you wont rather - seeing as how Meagan wasn’t present at that moment, but that’s not the point.

The point is that you’re gone, I’m here, and I’m nowhere closer to figuring out how I’m supposed to live the next 50 or so years without you.  Sometimes I’ll be driving down the road lost in my head thinking ‘how the hell.’ Honestly, how the hell does the universe expect me to go on. I seriously can’t picture the rest of my life because you were such a huge part of that picture. Instead of there being a whole in the picture I had, there isn’t one at all.

So yeah, I started to lose it and got pretty close actually. I didn’t want the moment to be about me at all though, so I tried to wipe the tears away before they were seen. I was incredibly unsuccessful at that though. There were a few attempts at hugs but I pulled away each time. They only make me cry more.

Hopefully I’ll be in a better place tomorrow. I need to get a closer look at that baby. I have to see up close how big an 11-pound baby looks.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel