Some midnight musings...

Hi –

For some reason all I could think about today was how all I ever really wanted for my life was to grow up, be happy, get married, have some kids, and live a relatively normal boring life. Going grocery shopping on Sundays, planning out my weekly meals, having a general idea of what my week would look like with some exciting moments thrown in for the weekend. It seemed to work so well for you, so it was what I always wanted, and I thought it made sense. I feel like one of the main things that I’ve been missing out on with all this crap is the way you would have talked me through these moments. Telling me how at 27 you didn’t have any of this figured out yet either. How you were living with Randi and Rab, drinking too much, smoking too much, and where nowhere near the house with 2.5 kids and a dog you didn’t want to begin with.

Can you also explain to me please how I’m 27 and I’ve never been in love or even close to it? How will I know what it is when it finally comes along? Who’s going to tell me? For a second in time I thought, maybe that I was seeing the beginning of something that could have been it, but it never quite got off the ground. Maybe I had it all wrong. It feels like I’ll never know.

As you can see I’m currently throwing myself a pity party of 1. Not sure where it’s coming from because I was really productive today, and feel awesome about it. Who knows, maybe it’s from everything happening with Carly. I’ve never really seen a loved one suffer before first hand. It’s brutal. Obviously its way worse for her, but sitting there next to her knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to make her feel better sucks. Royally. It doesn’t help either that its been one thing after another. She literally hasn’t had a break of all this since early May.

Not much to do about it except continue to be there, keep showing up, whether she wants you there or not. So that is what I shall do. Because there is no getting rid of me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“What if I said yes

What if I'd gone out that night

What if you'd turned left

And everything would've turned out alright

What if I spoke up

What if I took the keys

What if I had tried a little harder

Instead of always trying to please

Joey, I'm so sorry

Oh can you hear me?

Joey, I'm so sorry

What if I said no

What if we never fell in love

What if we'd gone slow

Or a little bit faster and broken up

Would I know this hurt

Would I feel this pain

Do you know that with all I have left in my very last breath

I will call your name

Were you sad, were you scared, did you whisper a prayer to be free

Was it quiet and cold, was it light or too dark to see

And did you reach for me”