If wishing made it so...

Hi -

G-d Mom, I just don't know. I really don't. Sometimes I think I can do this. I can make this new life of mine work. Then I wake up from that pipe dream of mine and realize I have no clue, no earthly idea how I could possibly make this work. Its inconceivable to me really.

I thought I was strong, but I'm not. I just want you back, badly. Its not really fair if you ask me. Its actually quite stupid.

I find myself walking through out my day looking at people and listening to them and thinking 'you have absolutely no idea about life.' They can't. I want to be able to share and talk about my feelings, but I don't know how. I don't know how to talk to someone and have them understand that my heart has been ripped out. That I feel like I'm walking around in a haze. That one minute I'm present and accounted for in the moment and then I feel the wind on my face or see something out of the corner of my eye and I'm gone - thinking about you and how this sucks.  People say they understand, but they don't. I don't see how they can. I might give some the benefit of the doubt if they have lost someone too - but was it a mother. Was she your best friend? The person you wanted to call when something good happened? Or something bad? The one person you thought would always be there? Because unless it was that person, they can't understand. They can listen, and nod their head in understanding and empathy but it doesn't help.

I guess this is where people tell you time will help. I don't know about that though. The way I see it is with time there will be more things that will have come that you will have missed out on. More things that I will have wanted to tell you but won't be able too. With time, just comes more time.

Here is a song that Paul Simon wrote.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

You are moving on a crowded street
Through various shades of people
In the summers harshest heat
A story in your eye
Well, speak until your minds at ease

Twenty-five years come and gone so fast
I might as well have been dreaming
Sunny days have burned a path
Across another season
A fortune rises to the sky
Twenty-five years come and gone so fast

You are driving down an empty road
Beside a shady river
When the sky turns dark as stone
The trees begin to shiver
The grace of God is nigh

Twenty-five years come and gone
And that flash has never been forgotten
Sunny days have burned a path
Across another season
How do the powerless survive
Twenty-five years come and gone so fast

And if you look into your future life
Ten years from this question
Do you imagine a familiar light
Burning in the distance
The love that never died

Twenty years come and gone so fast
I might as well have been dreaming
Sunny days have burned a path
Across another season

Twenty-five years come and gone so fast
Sunny days have burned a path