Denial, not just a river

Hi –

So it’s definitely official.  You are really gone, and if you came back now it would have to be as naked, and I’m one step closer to being certifiable I would imagine.

Your closet is empty. From what I’m told there are multiple piles left – one for me, one for Matt, one with items we are going to make into blankets, and I’m sure one for Randi. For some reason in my head I find the Randi pile the most comforting – at least some things never change. Randi and her love of clothes.

For some reason in my head when I think of the 5 steps of grieving I thought denial was further along, and not right at the top. I was sure it was in the middle – after anger, and before acceptance. At least if that was the case I was further along than I thought. But I guess the fact that I was deluding myself as to how well I was doing with this whole thing, really shows how deeply rooted I am in the denial step. Go Me!

So yeah – not dealing so well. I’m a big hallowed out person I’ve decided. I hear things and see things and know they should be eliciting some sort of reaction but I’ve got nothing. Apparently the only thing that gets any sort of emotion out of me right now is the fact that my DVR is broken and on more than one occasion has not recorded a specific show.  And what further annoys me is the solution Time Warner is going to come up with, which is going to be to replace my DVR, which further upsets me because I’m going to lose some precious programming that I have been saving for years. I’ve got quite a collection of Trisha Yearwood clips going. I don’t even watch them, but I know there is going to be one day when I’m going to want to and they aren’t going to be there. Perhaps I’m projecting. 

So to prepare for the fateful day when Time Warner is going to call and take away my beloved DVR that I have had since I moved here, I’m in full marathon mode. Of course I would watch the TV shows that are not put on Hulu.

In other news, Sara comes on Friday and then it’s back out to the dirty Jersey, and I’m beyond stoked about it. It’s the quiet understanding that I like about being out there.  Not that I don’t get that here, it’s just different there. Plus you’ve been there, lived there, made memories there.

I’m going out there for Stella’s birthday, luau themed. You should be very happy to know I got her a book. I know how big you are on books. I’m picturing you reading some where with a fine red wine in your hand. Perhaps part of this whole denial thing is the fact that I write to you in present tense – who knows. Lets add that to the list of things to discuss with Dr. Lee. 

OK – I’m going to go watch The Event, minus the first 5 minutes. Stupid DVR.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel