My ability to crack myself up is astounding.

Hi-yo-

Today was a really interesting today. I cracked myself up ALL day long, totally did.  Ila and Todd got back from their world wind tour yesterday and today Ila uploaded some amazing pictures to Facebook, I’m sure you can see them where you are. All I could hear in my head when I saw them was the opening credits to ‘The Lion King.’ So I YouTubed the opening and took screen shots of the animals and then made my own ‘African Safari’ album. I giggled through the entire thing. It felt good.  Really, good for a minute.

Then of course reality came crashing in on me.

I went home tonight and caught up on my DVR, surprise surprise I know. First pick was Grey’s Anatomy. When we last left the lovely residents of Seattle Grace they had just had their lovely lives destroyed by none other than Ron Butterfield, head of Secret Service for former president Jed Barlett. Anyway, so the residents all have to go through a therapist in order to be allowed back into the OR. Well Derrick Sheppard, Mr. Hunk-extraordinaire, talks to the therapist about how maybe the shooting changed his life for the better.  And of course because it’s his monologue everyone listens up and pays attention. He’s saying that while it’s the worst event in the fictitious world of Seattle Grace, and he in no way wants to have it happen again or live through it again the outcomes have not been so bad. That he is seeing his life in a whole new way now.

Well I’m confused. You being gone is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and hopefully will ever happen to me. And not just me, everyone we know. But in the last month I’ve done more for myself and been more proactive about my life then I have in the past 4 years. I’ve been more honest and truthful with myself and others than ever before. I’m making changes in my life that I’ve wanted to for a while now. Why is it that this had to happen for me to take a good look at myself? Why does it take life-changing events for a person to look at themselves? Why was I not strong enough before with you in my life to change the things I needed to change? Why when you were in my life was I not full of courage? If anyone had asked me 2 months ago if I was strong person, I would have said the strongest.

Well, who’s surprised now?

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel