Back in the apple

Hi -

I got back into NYC today. It was actually one of the easiest airport visits I have ever had when arriving back in NYC. I landed in Newark and since I was at the back of the plane, by the time I got down to baggage claim as I was coming down the escalator I could see my bag already on the carousel. It was perfect.

I thought it was going to be a lot harder to come back than it actually was. That whole theory of putting one foot in front of the other really does work. You just do it and before you know it you are at your destination. Also, the fact that Ila was waiting for me when I landed definitely helped things. I always hated that part about flying into NYC - the fact that people don't pick you up from the airport or anything. You are just expected to get to your final destination on your own. It's a very lonely feeling, but none of that today. I of course also took a tranziene before I got on the plane which may or may not have had something to do with it all.

So I'm back and at Ila and Todd's and in true Todd fashion a delicious spread of food was grilled for dinner. We ate it outside in this little picnic area that is right out in front of their building so that was really nice, and there was this light breeze in the air as well. Made a perfect evening for most.

I have found that my head is quiet all the time. On more than one occasion people ask me what I'm thinking and the truthful answer is nothing. There is just nothing going through my mind - its at a rest. I'm not sure what that is all about - it's just the way things are at the moment. I find myself just staring at nothing with no thoughts in my head. I'm not contemplating my existence, or thinking about Matt or Dad, or myself - I'm just blank. I'm not sure if its because I'm tired or because there is SO much that I need to be thinking about and I can't bring myself too.

At moments I can feel the walls around the last two weeks crumbling down and at other times I can feel them getting higher. I can feel myself being torn between wanting to believe and not being able to.

I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm torn between thinking it will be good for me - to be able to focus on something else. And thinking I might not be able to concentrate at all. I guess I'll find out tomorrow which one it is. I'm definitely not looking forward to all those first encounters with everyone - in the past week or so they have proven to be awkward with just about everyone.

OH - I tasted the Chicken Divan last night before I went to sleep - it was good. Tasted how it should. Dad texted me tonight saying he ate it for dinner and it was good. So mission accomplished.

I'm going to start getting ready for bed in the hopes that I might be asleep by midnight. I think that should be relatively doable seeing as how its only 10:11 now. Falling asleep isn't my problem - its the staying asleep that I have problems with.

Anyway - Night Night. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel