Oh that Dr. Lee

Hi -

I had my first appointment with Dr. Lee this morning. It went OK. They say the first one is always awkward, and it was. The whole getting to know you part, and attempting to get a general idea of why your patient is there I'm sure is a ton of fun for a person. She seems nice though. Asked leading questions, nodded in the right spots, appeared interested. I think its definitely going to take a few more sessions before I can make a fully formed opinion. I wasn't put off by her or anything, so that's a good sign. Plus its only $6 a visit, so I can definitely afford a couple.

I did have to fill out one of those surveys about myself though. I really really hate those. I always end up inadvertently lying. I want to tell the truth, it would only be beneficial of me to tell the truth, but somehow I end up checking the lie box. For instance there was the question, do you consider yourself generally happy with your life. Well prior to recent events I was. So do I check somewhat agree? Or totally disagree? All the questions are like that. Well, I was. Why isn't there that box. Or I want that to be true about myself. I want to consider myself generally happy. Then of course there was the how many drinks do you have on average in a week. I ALWAYS want to lie there - but I know its not helpful. The question today was, how many drinks have you had in this past week. I put 7. That might have been a small lie. I'm going to go with Meridith's opinion on this, that there should be some standard give and take for people who live in NYC. Drinking is way more socially acceptable and in fact encouraged here. As you are well aware of.

I will say this though - Today was the first decent day I had. I think the fact that for a period of time this morning I was given full range to have any and every emotion I wanted to have. To be allowed and welcomed to any and all thought, feeling, whim I had. To have this given time frame where I could talk about you, or anything I wanted, and have whatever reaction I wanted. There was this given time that I could say and do whatever. So once it was over, I was actually able to go about my day. I was able to be productive at work, to have fully formed thoughts, to giggle, I even managed to get a brain freeze from drinking a frappachino to fast. I don't necessarily know if I feel better about everything that's happened, or have any answers to any of my millions of questions, but I was able to concentrate and have a productive day. This is also not saying that while I was being productive you didn't occupy a corner of my mind either - but I was able to use the rest of my brain as well.

So besides meeting with Dr. Lee this morning, I've also had quite the the most random thoughts today as well. There was the moment I was in the bathroom stall at the pub, and I thought if your hanging around with me all the time are you seeing me at this exact moment? Are you seeing me sitting on the seat instead of squatting?

Then there is the thought - do I think you're hanging around here? I want to think that for the most part you are off somewhere better, but that a part of you is still here hanging around. That there is a part that I'm keeping with me forever. That dad has a part, Matt's got his part, and grandma has her's. Everyone has their own. The part of you that they had when you were around. Everyone gets to keep that with them always.

Also - if there is any silver lining to anything going on (which sounds like an oxymoron if you ask me) its that I got to have you for 26 years. I think I'm a fully developed person where I will always have memories of you. I'll always know that a sandwich you made, tasted better than one I made. That there is something about your Chicken Parm, that no one else can replicate. I will always have these things with me. If this had happened earlier I don't know that I would be able to keep these things with me forever, but I'm confident that I will be able too. So there is that.

I just read that Candace Bergen is going to be on House as Lisa Cuddy's mom. I think that's AMAZING, and I can't tell you how excited I am to watch that unfold. I do wish that you'd be there to call and discuss the episode with afterwards, but I'm going to feel that way a lot this new TV season.

I'm going to go watch Oprah now from yesterday where the Judd's who are back together are on. I'll probably cry my eyes out and be jealous for what they have, and know that what we had did not compare. If only we could have been singers. We could have been contenders.

Love you forever, miss you always, feeling you next to me.
Rachel