Kickstart This

Hi –

I’m currently watching some SONS while my brisket is simmering. I hope I did it right. I’m a little worried about my cutting technique and all the fat that was throughout the meat, but other than that I feel good about it. Smells good, that’s for sure – so that’s something. There was a small freak-out when I thought I had the wrong cranberries. Then Lily said, “well can’t you call her and ask her,” and of course me being me I replied back with, “no Lily I can’t call my mom.” She of course meant Grandma Phyllis thinking the recipe came from her. Good thing though, I re-read the recipe that I have from Rab and it said ‘whole cranberry sauce’ so all was good.

Today was a total off, should have stayed in bed, kind of day. I can always tell when I’m not my usual self. When my head and heart feel heavier. Last night as I was going to sleep all I could see when I closed my eyes was this perfectly clear image of you. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all through today either. I want to say there was more happening every time I closed my eyes but I can’t remember. 

All I know is that today I was completely preoccupied with thoughts about how I was going to make it the next 30 or so years with out you. So yeah needless to say it was a particularly awesome day.

The other day I heard this really good line about how from early on in life we learn that everyone one day will die, so you would think we would be better at dealing with it by now. It’s stuck with me since I heard it, and makes me think about this this documentary project called ‘The Club’ (http://www.theclubdocumentary.com) that profiles the lives of women around the world who prematurely lost their mothers. I can’t wait to see this project reach its fruition and be a world-renowned documentary. It needs to be. It’s a subject that not a lot of people talk about. I think if anything would help people ‘deal’ it would be something like this. Plus Rosie O’Donnell is in it – so that’s something. Gives it some credibility in my book. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/theclubdoc/the-club-0

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

That'll be the day

Hi –

Every night before I fall asleep I think about how tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will play a more active roll in my life.  I will eat better, work out for a change, and finally do some of the items on my personal to do list. What ends up happening – none of those things. How do I make that change?

I want to be one of those people who likes to work out. Who looks forward to it. Who gets off on the endorphins, and the sweat, and all those things. But I don’t. There was a time, a few weeks of it, where I was going to Pilates pretty regularly and enjoying that. I somehow can’t get back into that. One-day maybe.

I’m waiting for the day when I feel like a true active participant in my life, and not someone who occasionally steps in. Those will be the days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…A string of pearls, a foreign car

Oh, we can only go so far on caviar and Cabernet.

We drown our doubts in dry champagne,

And soothe our souls with fine cocaine….”

One is silver, and the other is gold.

Hola Mamasita,

I talk to you a lot in the car; well talk is a strong word. I think in my head as if I’m talking to you. Do you hear me? I think that’s why I’m not writing as much, because I’m spending all this time in the car now thinking my thoughts through. Where as when I was living in NYC I didn’t really have these huge chunks of time to myself.

I’ve been listening to ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ in the car. It’s a true story written by Joan Didion, about how her husband died almost instantly from a massive heart attack and the year that follows. I definitely relate to a lot of the things she says. There are some things that I have already realized about myself and when she says them I know for sure they are true. And then there are other things that I don’t even recognize about myself until I hear her describe it. 

At one point she talks about how the anger stage is actually broken into 3 sections, with the difference being who the anger is directed at. She says that at first people are angry with themselves, which I was. I was so angry that I was left. That I was surviving, and that this didn’t destroy me. That I some how handled it. Then she says you stop being angry with yourself and start being angry with the person who died. I’m not sure I was ever really angry with you per say. You didn’t chose this, and I believe with all my heart that you would have done anything you could do to have prevented it if you knew what was going to happen. Then finally you direct your anger to other survivors. Gotta say – that’s about where I’m at. There are times I have so much anger inside of me that is unresolved, and misplaced, and unhealthy, and everything else that anger is that I could probably start screaming and never stop. But that’s not hard to believe, I always did flare up rather easily.

On the other side of the token though everything else in my life right now is going really well. So that’s something. Professionally speaking this was the best move I could have made. I hope you can see that. I hope you can see that I’m doing really well. That I’m working harder than I ever have, and I hope you’re proud of me. That comes from you, you know.

Personally I’m getting there. I think the moments when I find myself losing it are important moments to go through. I think I’m surrounding myself with the right people, and I hope you can see that too. You always said it was better to have a few really close friends, than a lot of not so close friends.

And on that note, I’m off to bed. I had a lovely evening out with some friends for a birthday and now I’m pretty excited about not having to wake up in the AM until I’m good a ready.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well so here I am at the end of the road

Where do I go from here?

I always figured it would be like this

Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled

But I just can't decide where to go

Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep

But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how to start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head

And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes

I see the way that I’ve been spendin' my days

And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today

And it sure was a grand waste of time

And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face

I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard”

I know this to be true...

Hola –

Seems like it’s been way longer than just a week since I last wrote. It was Kahni’s birthday, I had dinner with Jodie, and I went to Savannah. It’s been quite a week.

Savannah was a lot of fun. I was really skeptical about going back there in general, but a beerfest seemed like as good a reason as any – it would have been good enough for you.

When we first got there Friday night we drove right by the mansion and I got choked up. I wasn’t expecting it, and I wasn’t paying any attention. One minute I was telling Meridith it was time to turn, and the next we were driving right in front of it. It caught me off guard, and cry I did. Luckily though with in a matter of seconds we pulled up to Pipers studio and on I went – and apparently so has the city. Piper said that the vegetable/fruit stand we went to and had those amazing tomato sandwiches is closed, and that the BBQ place has changed owners.

I put a lot into perspective this weekend too I think. I had a lot of time to think; 4 hours each way will do that to a person. Combine that with the hour I drive every day, and all I ever do is think. My mind is a constant stream of memories, what ifs, conversations, wishes, hopes, dreams, everything.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m to strong for my own good. If the wall I put up the day after is too high and too thick to ever come down. Or if I’m really ok, and there is no wall. If I really did grieve in a way that was exactly what I needed. And the lack of tears is just playing with my mind.

In a conversation I was having the other day I had a revelation of sorts. It’s not that I’m not facing the grief, or sadness, or absolute despair I feel. What it is though is that I’ve acknowledged it is not something that is going to change. You are not coming back – this is the one fundamental truth of my life from here on out. I’ve chosen to pick this up and carry it with me. It’s always going to be there. There’s no getting rid of it. So, instead of losing myself in it I’ve chosen to carry it with me and move along side of it. Whether I’ve truly accepted it or not is a completely different story, I’ve acknowledged its existence but I don’t necessarily believe it to be true. Does that even make sense?

Well if not, lets chalk it up to a long day and ill try again to explain another day. Or chalk it up to me being me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…Well I've been thinking about
All these pills I'm taking

I wash ‘em down with an ice-cold beer
And the love I ain't been making

Oh I feel like I'm burning up
With words I ain't been saying

And all these pills I'm taking…”

I wonder, wonder, wonder who....

Hi –

Every morning I wake up and for the first minute or so while I’m having the internal battle about whether to hit snooze one more time or not I think about you.  For that minute I don’t remember and all I can think about is talking to you again. Then the minute fades and it all comes crashing down. I tell myself I am Rachel Rosenthal, you are gone, and I do in fact need to get up.

Then I wonder how long till I no longer forget. If there will come a day when I don’t need to remind myself that this is my reality. Because I’ve got to say, it’s been a year and I still can’t wrap my brain around it.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Well, sometimes I go out by myself

And I look across the water

And I think of all the things, what you're doing

And in my head I paint a picture…”

Gloria Steinem is rolling her eyes...

Hi –

In complete and utter amazingness Meridith and I have wasted the entirety of today. The fact that I didn’t wake up until 12:30 played a huge part in that. We spent some time watching ‘Date Night’. We spent some time making and eating delicious blueberry pancakes, which Tory joined us for. We watched ‘Nine’. I love when Marion Cotillard sings ‘My Husband Makes Movies’. We watched ‘I love you, Phillip Morris,’ which was interesting and a true story. The true story part makes it that much more interesting, otherwise it would just have been ridiculous. Now we are watching ‘The Town’, like I said we have outstandingly wasted this day. And more importantly I feel awesome about it.

Yesterday the crew of us went old school style dancing. It was for Meagan’s birthday, and it was actually a lot of fun. It was at this place called ‘Whirl and Twirl,’ where if you go an hour before the dance starts they teach you the dance for the evening. So we went, and we learned ‘The Charleston’. It was fun to sit back and watch the more experienced dancers dance. I would love to be able to do what they were doing. There was some talk about taking real classes; I hope that ends up happening.

I have to say though that for all my self proclaimed feminist ways, and for all my talk about how I don’t need a man to fix things for me, I still wanted to be asked to dance. There were women who were asking men, and everyone kept saying just go ask them, but I couldn’t. I just wanted to be asked. There’s something flattering about being asked to dance. It makes you feel pretty and interesting for that 3-minute song.

There were also these moments that I got to witness between Danny and Meagan, Loi and Marshall, and Carly and Richard; where they were off dancing in their own little married worlds. Talking and laughing, looking into each other’s eyes. It was really sweet to witness. You can see why they found each other. For those minutes in time they were alone, being themselves. Finding the same things funny, moving together as one. I was glad I got to see it.

OK ‘The Town’ is heating up now. I’m going to give Ben Affleck my full attention. It’s only right seeing as how he directed and acted in it. He worked hard for my enjoyment; it’s the least I can give him.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

“Some people stay far away from the door

If there's a chance of it opening up

They hear a voice in the hall outside

And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch

And the anger of having been a fool

They will not listen to anyone

So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself

I know you're thinking of somebody else

Someone who hurt you

But I'm not above

Making up for the love

You've been denying you could ever feel

I'm not above doing anything

To restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old

Before they ever get a look at the young

I'm only willing to hear you cry

Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe

Another promise they hear in the dark

Because they only remember too well

They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night

Instead of taking a lover to bed

Some people find that it's easier to hate

Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say

I know you're gonna keep turning away

But I've been there and if I can survive

I can keep you alive

I'm not above going through it again

I'm not above being cool for a while

If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight

Some people figure they can never win

And although this is a fight I can lose

The accused is an innocent man

I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite

I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight

That's your decision

But I'm not below

Anybody I know

If there's a chance of resurrecting a love

I'm not above going back to the start

To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure

Some people just accept the world as it is

But I'm not willing to lay down and die

Because I am an innocent man"

Bruno Mars wrote a song about it...

Hi –

I think I might have become extremely lazy. Like way more than I ever was before. I’ve always been on the lazy side of things, but if I had something I needed to do or even wanted to do, I at least did it. Ot if there was something that was expected of me, I definitely did it. Now, not so much.

I keep putting off making a dentist appointment. I keep putting off phone calls. I still haven’t done anything with my 401K from Warner Bros. If it weren’t for my need of crazy pills I definitely wouldn’t have found a local doctor.

There’s this small part of me that feels well getting out of bed is hard enough every morning, I should really get a pass on the rest of this stuff. Is that wrong?

I’m thinking I might start telling people I’m reaching my full potential as a procrastinator. Or that I’ve become a member of the nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth. Totally sounds better than being selfish, or self absorbed.

But in all honesty, a pat on the back or some sort of recognition that I’m doing this whole ‘life’ thing right would do wonders for me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Quotes, quotes, quotes…to the tune of shots, shots, shots.

Hi –

Sometimes other people say things way better than I ever could hope too.

Mitch Albom once wrote, “Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.” I would pretty much give my left big toe and give up my ability to balance for one more moment. Not a conversation, not an ‘I love you’, not for the chance to tell things you already knew like - you meant and will always mean the world to me. But I want one more moment where we would crawl into your bed, and I would curl up on your side, and we would watch some TV special that you recorded because you knew I would love every minute of it. Preferably some AFI special. I would even give it up for one more game of spite and malice and I would totally let you win.

Kitkat Pecson wrote the following, “I think of you in the in-between spaces. In the pause before the next heartbeat. In the clench of my chest before I exhale. In the swell of my courage before I say hello.” So, pretty much every minute, of every day, for the last year, and then some.

So yeah, there’s that stuff happening in my head today.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

365 days later....

Hi –

365 days, 8760 hours, 525 600 minutes, 31 536 000 seconds – thank you Google.

I feel like my life will forever be measured by this date. When you are younger the school year really dictates your life. As you get older you try to go by the calendar year, but the partier in you still thinks about spring break and summer vacation. Now though, all I can think about is the 18^th. At first it was the 18^th of each month, and now I feel like things will be measured by how many years ago you died.

I want to have some sort of peaceful feeling come over me tomorrow. I want to think well I did this for a year; I should be able to keep doing this. I don’t think that will happen. I think it only gets harder really. There is so much pressure put on the first year that the rest of the years are forgotten about really.  Right now you’ve only missed out on one birthday, one thanksgiving, one Hanukkah, one Passover. Next it will be two birthdays, 2 Passovers, and then 3, and soon 10. You will only miss out on more things, not less. The list I’m keeping in the back of my mind will only get longer. I don’t see how that will get any easier.

There was this brief moment on Monday when I felt the entire world falling apart. I was exhausted, and overly emotional. I was in Kahni’s kitchen with Meridith and Carly doing dishes. Or they were, I was half ass drying and putting things away. I left misplaced items all over Kahni’s kitchen, I’m sure she loved that. I was standing there goofing off, making jokes and comments getting quite the kick out of myself. Showing off my awesomely fantastic dance moves to no one, when Danny caught a glimpse of me through the kitchen window. I doubled over laughing at his face and my ridiculousness. I was laughing so hard that I started crying, and just like that I could feel these huge body-shaking sobs breaking through. Carly and Meridith were staring at me confused and slightly concerned. Tory and Lily came in to see what all the racket was about and there I was hunched over laughing, crying, and trying with all my power to get them to believe I was fine. That I was just tired and crying from laughing, and nothing more. This entire exchange happened in the span of a minute, but as I felt the sobs coming time froze. All I could think was ‘not now, not now. But wait yes now, yes now. This will be good for you, healthy, releasing. This will get ugly quick, push it down, push it down.’ Guess who won – down it all went. Into the black parts of my soul somewhere. I’ve had a headache ever since.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought this year mark would never really come, so I didn’t think much about it. I never really believed you were really gone, and I still don’t. So the fact that tomorrow is a year doesn’t seem to make all that much sense to me.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how the day plays out. I’ve got big plans though. Kite flying in the morning, movie watching in the afternoon, and flank steak eating at night. Dad and Grandma are here to share in these activities as well. If nothing else at least we will all be together.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

It's been

Hi -

So it's been a year. I feel like something is supposed to feel different somehow. It doesn't. I still wake up needing to remind myself this is not my worst nightmare. This is the truth of my life. I still need to remind myself I can't call you after work and recount my days events. I still don't believe it. 

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel