L'Shana Tova

Hi -

Happy New Year Mom. All I can think about is the creepy story they tell you when you are younger about the Jewish High Holidays. How on Rosh Hashanah the book of life is opened, along with the book of death. Then you are given the next 10 days to atone for all your sins in the past year. The books are then closed on Yom Kippur and depending on which book you are written in dictates the rest of your year. Guess we know where your name was written - that's such a horrible thought. As well as one of the worst stories to tell young kids EVER. I can't believe that's what they tell us to explain the two holidays. You would think there was a better way - or at least I'm hoping they have come up with a better way by now.

I need to call Grandma. She went to dinner at Phillip and Dee's tonight for the Holiday and I need to find out how it went. Uncle Marty went with them, and I got a text from Dad at some point saying he was in his element since he found a whole new audience to tell his jokes to. I guess that's good. As long as everyone had a good time all is well for the moment.

Ila and I watched the remake of The Women tonight. I have to say it was not exactly as bad as everyone was making it out to - that of course could be because I didn't have to pay for it but who knows.  I'm not encouraging everyone to run out and see it, but ya know if a person were to stumble upon it I wouldn't scream change the channel or anything. Good ole Candace Bergen had a good moment in the movie. She was talking about the feeling a woman has when her husband cheats on her. She said something to the extent of; 'It feels like someone ripped your heart out. Like your having that dream where your falling and you want to wake up before you hit the ground. Like you've been punched in the gut and it will never stop hurting. Like you'll never trust again.' All I could do was look at Ila and say, well that's exactly how I feel right now. 

I think I still might be unsettling people with my reactions to everything. The thing is I've got nothing. Nothing in my head, nothing in my thoughts, just nothing. When I'm quiet and staring off into space I'm really not thinking about anything. It could be I'm pondering the lint on my jeans at that given moment, or what might be on TV that evening. There really is nothing higher end happening in my brain. And honestly I think that's OK. I've got nothing to give anyone right now. What strength I have is all for Dad, and whats left if any is getting me out of bed (or really off Ila's couch) in the morning. In fact there's so little going on in my head right now that it takes all my energy to put things there. Its taking everything I have to be able to work during the day. To not just stare at the computer screen from 10 - 6.

Today was a bit better though. I made it all day at work. Granted my productivity level is still not quite where it should be, but I think the fact that I made it to 6:30 is worth a shout out for sure.

So I was going to put the English version of the Mourners Kaddish here now. Seeing as how its the holiday and I should say it. Up until now, and even now I'm not really doing the whole why God, why thing, and blaming god. But I just can't bring myself to copy and paste the text here. I read through it and it just doesn't seem to fit. I'm not blaming God or saying its all Gods fault, but I'm also not exactly ready to say; "May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified, etc" One day, I'll be there, but definitely not right now. It definitely sounds better in Hebrew anyway.


Till tomorrow.


Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

It's like riding a bike, or a horse - you pick!

Hi,

So I just finished the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy and I have no idea how I'm going to make it to next Tuesday for the next episode. This watching one a week in live time is for the birds. Next Tuesday feels just as far away as Sept 20th when the season premiere of House is. I'm also equally as stoked and anxious about that one. (insert Seema's eye roll. She just can't behind House and Cuddy like I can)

I went back to work today. It was part fairly easy and part really difficult. On more than one occasion I looked down at my desk phone and felt the urge to call your office. Only to be reminded that there would be no one on the other line. Matt said whenever I get that urge I can call him. I of course neglected to tell him that the feeling usually comes at 11am eastern time, right about when my morning tasks are done and I'm taking a break before diving into a project of some sort. I'm sure my phone call would be his wake up call and I have a feeling that's not exactly how he wants to be starting his day.

I made it till 3:30 at work - I thought that was pretty good. I was sitting there looking at my outlook trying to figure out what to do next and I started to get a bit teary eyed. I guess that was the beginning of the proverbial brick wall I've been hearing so much about. I went back to my apartment after that in the hopes of taking a nap but sleep alluded me. Instead I watched some DVR'd things and brought that percentage full number down a bit. I get a little anxious when it gets above 60%. I worry it might delete things before I've had the chance to re-watch them for the 100th time.

Talked to Dad today around 4ish. He too had left work a bit early and was laying in bed trying to take a nap - I'm sure he was more successful then I was. I need to call Grandma. The night got away from me today, but I'll do it tomorrow AM. I hope she went back to playing bridge this week, I know she hadn't yet when I had left.

I was invited to Elyn's for dinner tomorrow night, but I'm going to pass. I don't think I'm that OK and ready to face people. There's only so many times in a day I can say "I'm OK" and do my little head nod, and I have a feeling I'll have filled my quota pre-dinner.  I do however think I'm going to go buy a yartzite candle tomorrow and light it. I wonder if Duane Reade (our version of Walgreen's) sells them, otherwise I'm not 100% sure where to look. I'll have to do some googling.

I also stopped by the Pub today. That went a lot smoother than I thought it was going to go. I told them I'd probably go back to work mid-October some time. There's no real point in having them put me back on the schedule anytime soon seeing as how I have weekend plans from now all the way through the first weekend of October. - Which side note - I STILL haven't received either my invitation or rehearsal dinner invite to Brian's wedding. No idea what is happening there. I better get the right meals. I called Brian and gave him my choices. Someone needs to get their act together.

Well, now I'm just rambling. I guess I should go to sleep. Here's to a better day tomorrow, and making it till at least 4:30. I believe having realistic goals is really whats important. Hopefully the tires in the bike I'll be riding are full in the morning and I do a better job of dodging those brick walls. Randi suggested I trade my Schwinn in for an ET bike, I'm thinking that might not be such a bad idea.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

Back in the apple

Hi -

I got back into NYC today. It was actually one of the easiest airport visits I have ever had when arriving back in NYC. I landed in Newark and since I was at the back of the plane, by the time I got down to baggage claim as I was coming down the escalator I could see my bag already on the carousel. It was perfect.

I thought it was going to be a lot harder to come back than it actually was. That whole theory of putting one foot in front of the other really does work. You just do it and before you know it you are at your destination. Also, the fact that Ila was waiting for me when I landed definitely helped things. I always hated that part about flying into NYC - the fact that people don't pick you up from the airport or anything. You are just expected to get to your final destination on your own. It's a very lonely feeling, but none of that today. I of course also took a tranziene before I got on the plane which may or may not have had something to do with it all.

So I'm back and at Ila and Todd's and in true Todd fashion a delicious spread of food was grilled for dinner. We ate it outside in this little picnic area that is right out in front of their building so that was really nice, and there was this light breeze in the air as well. Made a perfect evening for most.

I have found that my head is quiet all the time. On more than one occasion people ask me what I'm thinking and the truthful answer is nothing. There is just nothing going through my mind - its at a rest. I'm not sure what that is all about - it's just the way things are at the moment. I find myself just staring at nothing with no thoughts in my head. I'm not contemplating my existence, or thinking about Matt or Dad, or myself - I'm just blank. I'm not sure if its because I'm tired or because there is SO much that I need to be thinking about and I can't bring myself too.

At moments I can feel the walls around the last two weeks crumbling down and at other times I can feel them getting higher. I can feel myself being torn between wanting to believe and not being able to.

I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm torn between thinking it will be good for me - to be able to focus on something else. And thinking I might not be able to concentrate at all. I guess I'll find out tomorrow which one it is. I'm definitely not looking forward to all those first encounters with everyone - in the past week or so they have proven to be awkward with just about everyone.

OH - I tasted the Chicken Divan last night before I went to sleep - it was good. Tasted how it should. Dad texted me tonight saying he ate it for dinner and it was good. So mission accomplished.

I'm going to start getting ready for bed in the hopes that I might be asleep by midnight. I think that should be relatively doable seeing as how its only 10:11 now. Falling asleep isn't my problem - its the staying asleep that I have problems with.

Anyway - Night Night. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

And we go on

Hi Mom -

So I'm going back to NYC tomorrow and I couldn't be looking forward to it less. I know I need to get back to life and back into the swing of things, but I've rather enjoyed the last week of nothingness with Meridith where my biggest concern was what episode of Sons of Anarchy we were on.

I made Chicken Divan tonight for the first time. It was a rather surreal moment for many reasons. We can start with how I actually had no idea what the recipe was and needed help from quite a few different people. Sara came through though with the recipe card from her bridal shower gift.  Besides that, it was just rather surreal to be making the meal in your kitchen, without you anywhere in sight or sound. The sauce looked to be a bit liquidy before I put it all together and put Carly swears it tasted right. Its all cooling right now on the stove, to be tasted in a bit.

At the moment I'm rather tired and that's it. Just tired. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep.

Love you forever, Miss you always
Rachel

A Shivaree for All...

Hi -

So - we are having a Shivaree today, so says Kahni. I've invited everyone over so that I could see them one last time before I went back to New York and have it be for a slightly different reason then it was originally. Although I'm sure the original reason for my being here will be discussed and highlighted upon a great deal. But I'm pretty sure that will be the focus of my life for the time being anyway - so whats another afternoon as well.

This is going to be short and sweet at the moment because I need to shower and start my day. I was having a bit of guilt for not writing to you last night, but by the time I was quiet and calm for the evening I was already fast asleep and there was no way I was going to be able to put together a coherent thought.

I have to say though it's currently Labor Day weekend and we got hosed on the coupon front. Is that normal? I would think there would be more than just the normal 2 things but we got nothing.

Also - I wanted to tell you I went through your card stock pile and I've decided that I'm going to send them to who I think was the intended recipient. Also - since you were surprisingly a sentimental person I am also giving back the cards that you have kept through the years as well. If your not on board - send a sign.

Talk to you later
Love you forever, Miss you always,
Rachel

Full House

Yo -

The house is full again. Carly and Kahni are back again, and Grandma is going to stay for the weekend again as well. There is laughter and chatter and a general din of noise happening. If I close my eyes I can hear your voice amongst the noise. Your laughter mixed in with Kahni's and Randi's. And for a minute I'm fully happy and involved and not wanting and missing and wondering what the hell just happened to me.

Now though as the house is quite and I sit here listening to Meridith and Carly figure out how to turn the closed captioning off I'm emotionally exhausted. I've been holding it together for a while now and I want to let it out but I can't. I'll never get it back. My eyes are slowly filling with tears and i type this and I sniff trying to pass it off as just the stuffy nose I've had for the past couple of days. (I'm pretty sure they aren't buying it).

I've decided that I really enjoy washing dishes. It allows me a moment to decompress amongst the craziness of everything without raising any red flags. Everyone just thinks I'm washing dishes because it needs to be done, not that I actually like it. Although with this I've officially given my secret away.

I've done a pretty good job of avoiding everyone and everything except what was existing inside this house for the past week. Well this house and the 2 mile radius around our house which consists of Target, Chick-Fil-A, and Blockbuster. I know I need to venture out and slowly ease back into the swing of things but I'm not quite there yet. Or at all really but I guess no time like the present. Whatever. Who ever has come up with those stupid one liners should be shot. They don't help anyone except the person who says them. But I'm pretty sure even after that person has said them they feel stupid - or at least they should I've decided.

Onto other earth shattering news - Meridith and I have finished our Sons of Anarchy marathon and are officially ready for season 3 which starts on Tuesday and I can't wait for it. I'm no excited. The season finale was really good - pretty unbelievable.  I'm chomping at the bit to see the season premiere. I'm pretty excited about House too. and Private Practice. There are a ton of shows actually. I don't think I've been this excited for Fall TV to come back since The West Wing was on TV and gun shots had just been heard at the Town Hall meeting.

OK - off to bed. Still not sleeping well so I need all the hours I can get to toss and turn in the hopes that some of them will equal sleep. Plus Sex and the City the movie is on in the background and I'm truly not a fan of Jennifer Hudson - at all. Moving on.

Love you forever, Miss you always,
Rachel

Social interactions are for the birds

Hi Mom -

In between episodes of Sons of Anarchy Meridith and I went to dinner with Lindsay, Amy, and Kelly - the fantastic trio. It was quite possibly one of the most awkward encounters ever. Everyone feeling like they should say something heartfelt or meaningful. Me feeling hoping they wouldn't say anything at all and we could just move on past it. It’s a vicious cycle. Dad says its gets better with each time you hang out with the same people. Too bad I won’t be seeing them again - but I'll be seeing a ton of new people back in NYC. I sure can't wait for that.

It’s just such a bizarre, weird, awkward, fill in your choice synonym, situation to be in. I'm sitting around this table of people who think they are affected by this event but they really have no idea. My entire life just changed, took a flying leap in a completely different direction, and they think they can understand. I get that they are trying to be sympathetic and help but it sort of falls short a bit. 

I can feel judgment coming across the table with the way I'm dealing I suppose. They have no idea though, no concept of what this is like. Neither do I for that matter. Its not like I’ve been here before. Or read a book about it. I'm just making my way through the best I can. And if it’s by cracking jokes then so be it. What’s the saying - If you can't laugh, you'll be crying. Or something along those lines. It’s either one or the other. And right now laughing is the path I’m taking, because I have a feeling I’ll be doing quite a bit of crying sometime soon.

Dad went back to bowling tonight. He was in a bit of pain - but I think its more using muscles he hasn’t used in a long time pain. And less he can't bowl any more pain. Only time will tell I suppose. I'm glad he went though - at least now he has a weekly activity to do. Something to focus on. Who knows. He seemed to be excited about it - before he went anyway. He might feel differently in the morning though, we shall see.

We're going to clean out your closet this weekend. Lizzie told me that she knows someone who can make blankets with any items I want to keep and to keep my eyes open for any cool textures or prints or soft materials. I think that’s a really great idea so I'm excited about that. If there is someplace we shouldn't be looking or a drawer we shouldn't open could you send a sign or something. Because that would be quite embarrassing for everyone involved. Thanks!

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Adam Arkin

Hi -

Real quick I have to tell you ---  I'm fully engrossed in the Sons of Anarchy marathon happening right now. And who shows up but Adam Arkin playing a reoccurring role as a bad guy and I'm fairly torn up about it. He's always a the good guy - I hate when actors do that. I know they are trying to stretch their acting skills and show what they are capable of - but now I'll never be able to believe him as a good guy. You know how I feel about that. I have the same feelings towards Gerard Depardiu. Ever since that Diane Keaton movie I can't think of him as a good guy.

Till later tonight.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

SAMCRO

Hey Mom -

You might be wondering what those letters stand for - well its Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Originals. And I am OBSESSED. I have recently discovered the FX show Sons of Anarchy and I'm loving every minute of it. Meridith and I have watched the entire season 1 in the last 2 days and have now moved onto Season 2. Which we had to actually purchase because blockbuster doesn't let you rent it. Its quite ridiculous if you ask me. Dad paid for it though whether he knows it or not. The other day he gave me an AMEX gift card for something and I just used it again for this.

Katey Segal is in it and she sort of plays the mother bear to the motorcycle club, and I have a soft spot in my heart for her since she was a Harlette for Bette. Shes great in it though - plays a total bitch and very well I might add. Her highlights give her this trashy feel which I'm sure is what shes going for but it just must suck when they aren't filming - that she has to walk around like that.

Dad's pretty into it to, but I think he has seen episodes here and there so he watches with us sometimes and not others. The really good news though is that Season 3 starts next week on FX and I can guarantee that we will be up to date by then.

As you can see I've had a very exciting day. Really earth shattering.

I did venture outside of the house today though and picked up the Opal from the jewelers. So that's all mine now. Doesn't feel like it though - definitely feels like I slipped it off your finger and I'm playing pretend with it like I used to. Its so sparkly though, and I love it.  I feel like I read somewhere that you aren't supposed to wear Opals unless its your birthstone, otherwise it brings bad luck. Well to the hell with it, I'm pretty sure my luck doesn't get any worse then where it is at the moment - so its only up from here.

On that note, short and sweet tonight. I'm in desperate need of some actual sleep. I've been having a hard time sleeping and end up tossing and turning most of the night. Then I crash hard during the day with a nap on the couch - I'm sure its not all that good for me. So here's hoping the 2 sleeping pills I just took kick in rather soon.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Meditate on that why don't you...

Hi  Mom -

I went to this thing called Reiki with Randi, Adam, and Meridith today. It's a meditation type thing. Basically you sit in a circle with a bunch of people and mediate for an hour. You use shared energy to mediate, and then there are these people who walk around and help to cleanse your energy/aura/whatever by touching your head and making swirling like motions around you. It was cool - something different to do. Adam and Randi both really like it and that was what prompted me to do it - well that, and its not like I'm doing anything else with my time at the moment.

If nothing else, it was good to just sit and let my mind wander for an hour. Or really 45 minutes, because that was about as long as I could sit before I started looking at the clock and obsessing about how long I had been sitting there.

My mind kept wandering to the idea of the typical wedding photo that every bride everywhere has. Its the one where the bride and groom are in the middle. The grooms mom and dad are next to the groom, and then the brides mom and dad are next to the bride. I kept picturing this is my head and how I'll only have daddy standing next to me. I wasn't filled with anger or sadness or anything beyond it just being a fact of my life now. All I could think was add it to the list. I wonder if that means I'm moving towards acceptance or what. Can't really say.

I think the moment I heard you had died I started a mental list of all the things that were going to be different now - how in a split second every single thing about my life changed. So now I have this running list of things you are not going to be around for. Maybe to be more productive and less of a debbie downer I should start a separate list of the things we got to share to together. I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but I think in like 6 months it might be a good thing to do. Perhaps in this new life of mine I will be less of a pessimist and more of a glass is half full kind of person.

Who knows what this new life will bring. One thing is yoga apparently. I've signed up to go to the Yoga class Lindsay teaches on Thursday. This falls under the what else am I doing with my time category. Maybe the new me will like yoga. We shall see I suppose.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel