Such is life

Hi -

I don't feel good, and would very much like you to be around so I could tell you that.

Please and thank you.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Little Miss who you are, is so much more than you like to talk about.

Hi –

There have been a couple of times lately where I find myself observing the situation I’m in and wondering what I’m doing there or how I got there. I find myself not entirely understanding my current state of affairs. I wonder why I have the friends I have, and if they would notice if one day I just wasn’t there anymore. Not because something bad happened to me, just because I wasn’t there. More times than I would care to admit the answer I find myself coming to is no – they wouldn’t notice.

There is this song that’s been playing nonstop on country radio called ‘Country Strong’. It’s from the new Gwyneth Paltrow movie. In the song is this one line that speaks to me:

“Yeah, on the outside I look fragile
, but on the inside is something you can’t crush”

Not because I think its describing me, but because I think I’m the completely opposite. In the last 3 months I’ve built this fairly indestructible wall but on the inside I’m totally broken. As the days pass by I feel a little bit of my carefully constructed wall cracking. I think its only a matter of time before the cracks are too big to will back together.

Yesterday I was in the car driving out to Rabs for dinner and Sugarland’s ‘Little Miss’ came on the radio and I almost totally lost it. I felt the lump in my throat coming up but I pushed it back down. All I could think was just get to Rabs. Everything will be better there.

A while ago I remember telling you how I had stopped going out to Rabs house because it made be feel homesick. I would look around at everyone and the lives they had created, and listen to the bickering, and want that for you and me. Maybe not everything exactly the same. But I would have given anything to live next door to you and spend our days being Mom, Daughter, and Granddaughter.  Now though, I can’t wait to get back there. I want to spend all my time there. It’s were I’m the most calm. Where my head clears the most and everything is quiet.

In other news, I’m officially sick. I’m also watching Meridith sit on her suitcase in an effort to zip it close. I should probably offer her some help but the visual is much more enjoyable. I’ve pumped myself full of all things healthy in an effort to kick this cold. I’m worried I’ll be quarantined from Kalel. That would be devastating. And on that note I’m going to drug myself into a peaceful sleep. (Hopefully).

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

PS. Meridith was successful in her suitcase battle. However, after success was reached she realized she left her shoes out. So the entire process restarted. 

Tired doesn't even begin to describe my current state.

Hi –

It’s been a crazy couple of days with nonstop activities. I’m beyond tired, and I’m definitely getting sick. I want nothing more than to sleep for a full day.

My head is full of things I’ve thought over the past several days and all of them I want to share, and I will. Right now though, I need to sleep.

I’m going to crawl into bed and watch ‘National Lampoons Christmas Vacation’ with Meridith because she’s never seen it before, and that’s just not allowed.  

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Why is the carpet all wet Todd? I don’t know Margo?”

“The little lights…they aren’t twinkling.”

The cheesiest of the cheese

Hi –

This is the cheesiest song EVER! But I think that might be more about Shania Twain singing it, and less the actual lyrics. Just seemed pretty prefect.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget”

100 posts later, and i'm still here....

Hi –

So this is post 100. I guess that is some sort of accomplishment. Perhaps a ‘go me’ is in order.

I broke up with Judith today. I really didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of going to her, so I very politely told her that. I told her it might have been too early for me to be seeing someone. I explained how intellectually I understand that you are gone, but emotionally I don’t get it. Emotionally I think it’s just the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard. She didn’t understand what I was saying to her. I guess that right there is a huge sign that maybe we were not meant to be therapist and patient.

She got very stuck on my use of the word ridiculous to describe how I feel about everything. She kept asking what I meant, what does ridiculous mean. I told her I could Google it for her if she liked – that probably was a bit smart-assish of me. I tried to explain that it was ridiculous in the sense that my entire life changed in a split second. How all my hopes and dreams for the future were now different. How you wouldn’t be there to see me get married one day, or how my children would not have a grandma on my side – that is all ridiculous. She still didn’t seem to get it. Either that or she’s really good at the whole devils advocate thing.

She did tell me that I was a very difficult patient to have. How she felt I brought 10% to the sessions and she was bringing 90%. And how she was always searching for things to talk to me about, and that was one of the reasons she always brought up men. Because that was an area of my life that seemed to not be as developed as others and that it might need some attention. I told her for the millionth time that that was just not how I think or act. I did not go about my day to day activities with a goal of meeting a man. And that I generally don’t like people who operate that way.

The word detached came up again. I explained my theory that another reason I thought I was having a hard time with all of this, was because I didn’t have something that needed to be ‘fixed’ or ‘worked through.’ That there was no changing this fact about my life. It is what it is. She said that’s a very detached attitude. So be it I suppose. I find that I do say ‘it is what it is’ quite a bit. But I can’t help it, it is. If there was a way to change it, believe me I would be doing it.

She also said I was very closed off, and hiding behind an ‘everything is ok’ mindset. Again entirely possible. I’m not discrediting her and what she saw in me. I’m just thinking that perhaps for right now, its working and I’m going to run with it.

The one thing she said to me that I really was miffed about was during a moment when we were talking about how I felt the tragicness of everything would never lessen. She disagreed. She felt that in time life wouldn’t feel as tragic; and I wouldn’t feel as cheated. I explained that I felt that from here on out there wouldn’t be a day that passed where something would happen that I wouldn’t immediately want to run to tell you about; and that very fact alone was tragic.

So we parted ways. Probably for the best. She wished me all the luck, and I her. She said I was a bright young lady and hoped good things came my way. And that was that. It was what it was.

So here I am – 100 posts later. Detached, a bit. Ridiculous, perhaps. But eagerly anticipating SantaCon on Saturday and Meredith’s arrival tomorrow.

Love you forever, miss you much

Rachel

Ridiculous – as an adjective: causing or worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable.

Some synonyms - nonsensical, ludicrous, funny, droll, comical, farcical.

99 problems....

Hi –
 
Remember when we would be out and about running errands and out of nowhere I would yell ‘but moooommmm’ in a really annoying voice? Just to annoy you. Those were the days. I long for those days. I’ve been saying but mom in my head all day. Did you hear me?
 
Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
 
“And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather”

I'm in desperate need...

Hi

From wherever you are, please find a way to tell me where the recipe for the Chocolate Pudding Bunt Cake is.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

Today, I bowled a 127 - highest on the team.

Hi –

First off I saw ‘Morning Glory’ with Ila last night and it was quite the disappointment. I’m sad to say it, but it was just meh. I was hoping for it to at least be entertaining, but sadly not. So if you’ve got a list of movies happening wherever you are – scratch this off it.

I’ve become completely consumed with all things Hanukkah Party and Rosenthal/Lamonica Christmas related. Its still 20 days out and I'm occupied by menus, shopping lists, plans, and presents. I’m probably putting too much pressure on myself by trying to organize everything and make it all happen. And I’m probably also putting too much pressure on myself by thinking I can do it all. But you did right? So why not.

I’ve developed this horrible habit of picking my hangnails and ripping my fingers to shreds. Its super sexy and I can’t imagine why men aren’t just banging down my door once they get a look at me doing it. I have a feeling its some sort of physical manifestation of what’s going on inside of my head. It’s pretty bad. The other day I actually caught myself using a large pair of office scissors to cut a piece of skin off my pointer finger. I had a rough edge and I was picking at it nonstop so it seemed like a logical way to fix it. It wasn’t.

Perhaps I’ll go put on some lotion and then wear gloves to bed.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

"Everybody waits for Christmas

For me it's New Year’s Day

That's gonna come and take my blues away.

I'm wishing on the stars for Christmas

And hoping for a better day,

When it doesn't hurt to feel this way

And everywhere there's joy around this festive time of year

And happiness has never felt so far away

All of the bells ringing out for Christmas

I'm singing goodbye to the year before

I know that the next one will be different, so much more

All of the bells ringing out for Christmas

And I'm not supposed to feel this way

All that I want this year for Christmas in New Year’s Day

It's only seven days till Christmas

Six more till New Year’s Day.

It's not a good time to feel this way

Everywhere the snow surrounds you

And melts your troubles away

I can only hope to feel the same

All of the bells ringing out for Christmas

I'm singing goodbye to the year before

I know that the next one will be different, so much more

All of the bells ringing out for Christmas

And I'm not supposed to feel this way

All that I want this year for Christmas is New Year’s Day"

The dog days are not over

Hi –

Today I miss you so much I’m nauseous. I literally want to purge everything from with in me in some effort to prove how much I miss you and need you back. In an attempt to somehow prove I’m worthy and you should come back.

It took roughly 3 months, but tonight in a loud and crowded restaurant, while being a bit drunk on tequila and full it sank in a bit. I felt a part of me observing the crowd thinking ‘I wish I could be carefree like them.’ And just like that I was completely consumed by thoughts of you and everything that had just happened, and I lost it. I left the restaurant pretty quickly after shedding a few tears, and promising to text when I got home.  As it always happens the moment was gone just as quickly as it came. I quickly realized I had left my keys at home, and was going to be locked out.

Now 2 hours later I’ve talked to Dad and want to hug him. And spent some time sleeping on the floor outside my apartment.

Lets just say it’s been quite the evening.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

“Just another day without you.

I'll be okay without you.

I'll be fine.

I'll be all right.

But

I'm breaking apart inside.

I'm breaking apart inside.

I cry in my sleep at night.

I'm breaking apart without you.”

First day, of the last month, of the year.

Hi –

Today is the beginning of the last month of the year that had some amazing highs and some lows of epic proportion. Lows I thought would never happen. For some reason that’s all I’ve been able to think about today.

I want to say this has been the worst year of my life. – It will always be the year I lost you. But Kalel was born, and Matt and Lauren got married.  It’s this weird dichotomy.  I would love nothing more than the last 4 months of my life back. To some how walk down a different street, bump into a different stranger, make any movement small or large that would some how change what happened. My thinking is that Matt and Lauren were already married, and Kalel was clearly already on his way here so only asking for the last 4 months back is reasonable. Only long enough to change this one thing.  What do you think?

Another thing that I’ve been doing is when I get asked (or just think) what I want for Hanukkah; my gut response is to say “you.” I always stop myself though.

Honey, Matt, and myself put up our Christmas tree tonight, it looks pretty good if I do say so myself. 

I paid close attention to how Honey put the lights on the tree seeing as how I’m going to need to know for the tree we do at the house. I’m actually looking forward to it, which I think surprises some people. Seeing as how I’m usually very anti. I think Dad and I will have a lot of fun doing it though. I giggle when I picture us walking down the aisles of Target trying to figure out what would look nice, but really having no clue.  It will be quite the adventure.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel