Obladi Oblada

Hi –

I was perusing the stats for the blog that Blogger keeps track of, and someone in Brunei has read my blog. I have no idea where that is, what so ever. But yay. Go Brunei!

I’ve noticed that since moving down to Orlando, I’m not writing nearly as much as I was. I can’t really pin point the reason for that. A huge part of it is lack of time. If you can believe it the amount of time that I spend hanging out in my room watching TV and doing nothing else has decreased ten fold. Outside of going to work to see Ila and Elissa, hanging out by myself in my apartment was one of my favorite things to do. Now, not so much. I enjoy it don’t get me wrong. But I really look forward to seeing everyone here and being able to hang out with them. Which does result in less blogging time. Sorry about that, you get the brunt of that trade off.

I was talking to someone the other day and explaining how one of the coping defenses I have been using since day 1, besides humor of course, was complete abrasiveness and bluntness. Shocker I know. But being the young person with the dead mom is incredibly stigmatizing, so sometime in the beginning, really unconsciously I might add, I decided that I would be the one who always made it known. I would bring it up in casual conversation, get it out, shrug it off, and then it wouldn’t be a ‘thing’ anymore. Sort of a wham bam, thank you ma’am attitude. I’m not 100% sure how its working out, but I feel OK about it.

There really is no right way to respond when someone gives you that look after they find out, and everyone always has the same reaction, it’s really interesting. A study waiting to happen I’m sure. Without fail the way it goes does is this – at first its like they didn’t hear you and they move on with the conversation, then they stop mid-word when it occurs to them. They take a breath, sometimes cock their head to the side the way a dog does, and then say ‘I’m sorry.’ And honestly, what is my response to that supposed to be? I usually go with ‘It’s OK, I’m OK. It is, what it is,’ and try to keep the conversation moving. But I think the fact that I appear so OK makes it even more awkward. The whole thing is just awkward.

I was wearing your perfume yesterday, and someone was able to recognize it and complement me on it. It was pretty awesome. She said I smelled warm. Which is how I would have described it when you wore it. Like mother, like daughter.

I’m going to call it an early Friday night, and head to bed now.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…I won't let you close enough to hurt me…”