Bitch please....

Hi

So I'm about to sound like a complete and total bitch but here in the dark of my living room watching Sugarland on the CMT Music Awards is how I feel....

I have to say I get a little annoyed and resentful when people tell me how worried they were for Daddy when everything first happened. And how they are really glad to see how well hes doing. I mean, yes in the beginning i was worried too and it was my main thought for a while. That was probably why I stayed home for as long as i did in the beginning.

But now, almost a year later, i have to say hes doing fine. and he will continue to do fine. Yes he lost who I'm sure was the love of his life, and who he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with. but ya know he will adjust, I'm sure he already has a bit. and hopefully one day he will find someone and fall in love with them. and make new dreams for the rest of his life.

Me on the other hand, i''m not getting another mother. I'm not going to accidentally bump into one on the street. Does that make sense? Yes he suffered a great loss, but sometimes i feel that people don't see the loss I'm suffering. Does that make sense?

I guess its partly my own fault because in the beginning i was so focused on dad, that i pushed everyone else's focus there too. but even now, i feel like people don't see it or understand it really. I've tried to articulate it to Meridith, and when I'm explaining it to her i think she gets it. But right now, I'm not sure I'm doing the best job. And its not like i want everyone to start focusing on it and asking me about it. It's just more something i want people to be aware of i guess. That I'm no where near moved on, and i probably never will be. Losing your mother is not something you move on from.

Anyway - I'm going to go drink some funky tasting water from my faucet, and watch the rest of these award shows. Where what you win is a belt buckle. Classy CMT, classy.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

"It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck"