Best buddies, best buddies, best buddies and me.....

Hi –

Sorry to drop that bomb and run. Its really hard to explain and articulate properly but I haven’t been this busy in a really really long time. I’m literally going from one thing to another.  Now its 10pm and I’m waiting to put my laundry in the dryer so I can go to sleep, and wake up with it being dry. Riveting.

So yeah – anger. Here it is in all its glory rearing its ugly head. I have zero patience for pretty much everything, and could blow at any moment. It also doesn’t help that its 95 degrees outside which only fuels my bad mood. You know how I loathe being hot.

I’m pretty pissed about the whole situation, because it’s really stupid. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. How I’m supposed to live out the rest of my life without you there beside me is pretty retarded. And I know I have said all this before, but it was with more of a sense of wonder. Now it’s with pure anger. And the thing that I think that’s hard for people to understand is that I have no desire to talk about it. It’s just there, inside of me, hanging out. I don’t want to share it, or open myself up about it so that others can understand. The way I see it is - this is a truth about my life. And I’m pissed about it. No explanation is needed.

I also find it really hard to sit and talk to people about it because there is no way for me to even come remotely close to explaining how I feel, or how this is such a profound loss for me, so I don’t really even want to try. I know you can’t compare loss, but everyone does. There is no way to even put my loss next to anyone else’s, nor should we really. Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly selfish I do feel as if mine is worse than everyone else’s’ and then I feel bad about thinking that, and then I get more angry. I get angry because I thought it, and then I get angry because I feel bad for thinking about it, and then I get angry because whatever you were my mom I’m allowed to feel however I want, and so its just all this anger. Pretty awesome huh?

So yeah – me and anger. Best buddies.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel