Hi –
I’ve been silent lately. Not in life, or in my head, or in my heart. Just on here. Sorry about that. It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I could talk to you for the rest of my life and never run out of things to say. I guess I just haven’t been in the right place to sit down and put it all down. I talk to you all day in my head – do you here me then?
I wonder if my lack of voice here is sign of where I am with my denial and detachment. Am I burying myself deeper down into it, or have I found a way to get my head above the water? Probably the former, if the tears clouding my vision are any inclination.
Today was the one-year anniversary of when Nona passed away. Are you two somewhere hanging out, drinking wine? I think I’ve reached this point of unbelievable selfishness in my life. Kahni mentioned it to me on Tuesday and it completely slipped my mind until well into the evening today. I’m constantly fearful I’m not being the friend to Sara that I should be and want to be in my heart. Sometimes I just can’t see past my own nose. It’s awful. I even managed to forget Matthew’s birthday. I’m a winner for sure.
I have found myself doing this really really awful thing lately. I’m measuring people’s grief and comparing it to my own. It’s awful. Quite possibly one of the worst things I could do. The first thing you learn about grief is that no two peoples are the same. Even when it’s for the same person. And yet, when I hear that someone; who has lived a long, healthy, wonderful life, and were given the opportunity to live out all their possibilities dies; I harden inside. There’s a small part of me that thinks - you have no idea. You can’t possibly. It’s really quite horrible of me.
Kahni made a really important point to me the other day that no matter the age of the woman when she dies, she’s still someone’s mommy. I try to remember that. Hold onto it.
It’s just not fair.
Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel
“…Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on…”
I am sorry you are struggling so much, that your stuck. In yoga I teach that you are exactly where you should be and things will unfold in time as they should, we don't get what we want we get what we need and that we will all suffer, and how we overcome our suffering shall ultimately define who we are.
ReplyDeleteI lost my Dad about a month ago it was heartbreaking but he was sick and is no longer suffering I take comfort in that. The Last few weeks were gutwrenching watching him slowly slip away his body physically failing while his mind was there, then the last two days his mind went and his body wouldn't go. There are no words I can ever find to describe the pain of watching him slowly die before my eyes....helpless. In the end I know I am blessed to have been with him for his last breath. I am forever changed. Loss is never easy, losing a parent is a terrible loss however it occurs. Try to take some comfort that she didn't suffer, her mind and body didn't slowly waste away, you didn't have to watch her suffer while being helpless. She was ripped from your life in an instant. Open your heart again, stop torturing yourself she wouldn't have wanted that. Love her and honor her by slowly letting go and accept this was what was supposed to happen. It is by no means easier but you can and will be happy again if you choose it.
My boyfriends Mom died of a seizure and heart attack this past September it was out of no where, so I understand your pain he is navigating through it, open your heart back up its what your Mom who you loved would have wanted, every parent wants their children happy, I think it would break her heart if she could feel your pain.
Last week I found out a friend of mine died in a random one car car accident, he was 33 years old, with a wife and a 4 month baby boy. His wife was a few cars behind and saw the accident ran to him and he was unresponsive, he ended up in what they call locked in syndrome .....he was paralyzed and blind he had some hearing but was only alive by life support. She had to tell him he was dying and they had to take him off life support. Can't even imagine how she must feel and I never want to have to live through that. It made me feel lucky to have had my Dad for as many years as I did.
Look for the good....that you had a great relationship with your Mom some never do. That she was an incredible woman as you are, let that girl in you heal and truly live again. I hope you figure out how to embrace life as a gift, every day we are here truly is. tommorrow is not a guarantee and letting her go doesn't mean you didn't love her or that it's okay it happened, it means your choosing to honor the breath of life....the very life she gave you.
I hope this somehow helps and that you receive it with an open heart and can feel the love I am sending your way.
Love- Kim
Hey Buddy - I am sorry about your Dad. I have been keeping updated through Lizzie. Sorry I never reached out. I wanted to, and had every intention but for some reason it never came to be. Hopefully you got the positive energy I was sending your way.
DeleteYou words are so true, and you are so right. Sometimes i'm right there being present and living today and not full of sadness and grief. But sometimes it just creeps in.
I watched my grandmother die. You're right its absolutely horrible. I remember being at her bedside telling her how much i loved her, and that it was ok to let go, but she didn't. She kept hanging on for something none of us will ever know. Eventually she finally let go and a sense of peace did come over me for her. She's so much better off now. I hope you have that same sense of peace about your dad.
Thank you for commenting and giving me your words. They are honest and truthful and I will hold on to them, going back to them when i find myself being a selfish prick (its true).
See you soon (hopefully)
Love,
Rachel