Silent All These Years

Hi –

I’ve been silent lately. Not in life, or in my head, or in my heart. Just on here. Sorry about that. It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I could talk to you for the rest of my life and never run out of things to say.  I guess I just haven’t been in the right place to sit down and put it all down. I talk to you all day in my head – do you here me then?

I wonder if my lack of voice here is sign of where I am with my denial and detachment. Am I burying myself deeper down into it, or have I found a way to get my head above the water? Probably the former, if the tears clouding my vision are any inclination.

Today was the one-year anniversary of when Nona passed away. Are you two somewhere hanging out, drinking wine? I think I’ve reached this point of unbelievable selfishness in my life. Kahni mentioned it to me on Tuesday and it completely slipped my mind until well into the evening today.  I’m constantly fearful I’m not being the friend to Sara that I should be and want to be in my heart. Sometimes I just can’t see past my own nose. It’s awful. I even managed to forget Matthew’s birthday. I’m a winner for sure.

I have found myself doing this really really awful thing lately. I’m measuring people’s grief and comparing it to my own. It’s awful. Quite possibly one of the worst things I could do. The first thing you learn about grief is that no two peoples are the same. Even when it’s for the same person. And yet, when I hear that someone; who has lived a long, healthy, wonderful life, and were given the opportunity to live out all their possibilities dies; I harden inside. There’s a small part of me that thinks - you have no idea. You can’t possibly. It’s really quite horrible of me.

Kahni made a really important point to me the other day that no matter the age of the woman when she dies, she’s still someone’s mommy. I try to remember that. Hold onto it.

It’s just not fair.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Don't you dare look out your window darling


Everything's on fire


The war outside our door keeps raging on…”

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind...

Hey Yo,

Here I am, in for another year. 2012 has officially started, technically 6 days ago but who’s counting. As you know the Hanukah party has come and gone, so has Christmas, as well as the cruise.

The cruise was good. Very relaxing. It’s nice to get off the grid. I’d forgotten what it was like to not be connected at all times. To have faith that someone will meet you at the agreed upon time in the agreed upon location, with no way to check up on them.  Refreshing really. Plus the massage I had was one of the best ever, so that was pretty awesome.

There were a few times when I would take in the situation and realize that nothing about it would be any different if you were here.  It was weird really. Because outside of these few fleeting moments, I always feel like everything is different and if you were here nothing would be as it is today. But there were times playing Rummikub where it seemed as if you had just stepped away for a second and would play the next round.  Wonder if that puts me closer or farther away from acceptance.

On a different note I’ve been trying to decide if I believe in resolutions and the magic that New Years Day seems to hold. Obviously I believe that resolutions and New Years Day actually exist, but I’m not sure that I buy into the whole idea that on January 1^st your slate gets wiped clean and you can start over. Make of the New Year whatever you want and make of yourself whatever you want. I do believe that you can wake up one day and decide to change things, but I’m not entirely sure that is tied to the date January 1^st. Does that make sense? In my head it does, so that should count for something.

Either way, I keep my motto close to the surface ‘Be Present’. I pretty much suck at it, but I’m trying and hopefully I do better tomorrow than I did today.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…When I'm Down And Feeling Blue

I Close My Eyes So I Can Be With You…”