Things we carry...

Hey,

I’ve spent all day waiting to feel something. Whether it be bad, or sad, or empty, just something; and it never came. Sort of the same way I felt on your birthday. I think it speaks more to the place I’m in my life then anything else. I have no idea what I want on any scale – job, location, love, life – that adding you into the mix just makes me a bit disengaged if that makes any sense.

Someone told me to wish my mom a Happy Mothers Day today, and I didn’t correct them. I just let it go. It felt easier not to correct them. Not to go into it all. Not to bring that into the new relationship with the person.  Give myself more time to be a regular unscathed person. Not that who I am now is a bad thing, but it’s a thing. It’s a thing I carry. I’ll always carry. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m almost compelled to text them now and correct them, but that feels a bit on the crazy scale. I’ll wait for it to come up naturally.

It is interesting to think about that every new person I meet has no idea. Every person you meet comes with a blank slab of sorts. You assume everyone has a bit of baggage they carry around with them, but for those first 5 minutes or so everyone’s totally normal and unscathed. Then they ask what your parents do, it comes out, and there’s a look. There’s always a look. 

In the beginning there was a shock value of sorts in seeing the look on the other persons face. I almost got off on it in a sick way. Now, I just don’t want to see it. I think, I hope, it's because I’m evolving. Growing. Coming to terms I suspect. Who knows. I’ve sort of come to a place where I’ve stopped trying to figure it all out. Or just this anyway. I’ve been leaning into it and just going with the flow of things.

In the vein of just going with the flow, Happy Mothers Day! I’ll leave you with the memory of the Mothers Day where we met Herman for the first time. I was sitting at one of the folding tables with you, Sheila, and Joel. We were drinking mimosas and eating quiche. Herman walked by, and Joel says to us ‘Dead man walking’. We all almost fell out of our chairs laughing so hard. Grandma Henny did manage to outlive 3 men.

Love you always, Miss you forever.

Rachel

“Since I was a girl
Dreamed of a different life
Far away in the lights
But now I’m here
Staring into the face of the unknown

And who was I to think I could fool them
When I don’t even know who I am
What’s it gonna take to make me worthy
What’s it’s gonna take to make me strong
I don’t have much to give
I’ve only just begun to live

So how do I become somebody new
How do I begin to make this happen
How will I believe and see this through
When I feel so unready
And I feel so alone

Back on solid ground
My head is spinning round
My heart is in two different worlds
But I’m still here
Wondering where I fit into this madness

I thought when I was home I’d see clearly
But there’s so much I don’t understand
What’s it’s gonna take to lift the darkness
What’s it’s gonna take to light my way
I have so much to give
I’ve only just begun to live

So how do I begin my life anew
How do I begin to make this happen
How do I believe and see this through
Cause I feel like I’m ready
But I still feel unsure”