I’m sitting on the deck
of a beach house, bundled up, listening to my friends laughing inside. It feels
like just the right way to end the year. I also just ate a piece of cold pizza
while on the deck which only furthers my argument. I’m ending the year facing the same ocean and with the same
people as I started off the year. It feels right and perfect and meant to be.
We all spent the year growing, taking steps forward and some back but always
picking ourselves back up, and moving forward. Some of us moved away and some
of us came back. Some of us are blood related and some related by love and
experience. But we all chose to be here. We all chose each other. We are a family of choice.
This year has been crazy.
I made what felt like the hardest decision of my entire life. The decision to quit my job was filled
with more tears then one would expect. Filled with more conversations about
blue-sky dreams that I still don’t know the answers too. And it was filled with
the most courage that I think I have ever had in my entire life.
Once the novelty of it
wore off and I was faced with having to fill my days with something there were
moments of regret. Moments of wondering and fearing if I would ever find
another job; ever are able to support myself again. Then something magical
happened and in those moments I learned how to just be. Once the constant
concern about what was going on back at my job, and how the projects I had left
were doing, there was quietness. I don’t think my head has ever been quite. I
don’t think I was ever able to just sit and be with myself before. Be in a place without a TV on or
someone to talk too. Just be.
In the moments of
stillness I rediscovered my love of music. I remembered that music fills a space
just as much as a TV. I remembered how much I love to do puzzles, and how
making the pieces fit together is a small victory that is tangible and makes me
smile. I remembered how to listen to myself. How to trust my instincts again. Things that had left me in the years
where I was filled with other things.
Most importantly I
learned that I will go on. My life will be good, great even. There will always
be a place next to me that is empty. A place left open when you died, but it
will no longer define me. I will and have put myself back together again. I’ve
lived. I’ve had amazing experiences and will continue too. Life does go on. It
looks different, and it takes a while to get myself started, but once I start
there’s no stopping me.
In 2013 I traveled to
places I had never been before. Lived in a place where I did not speak the
language. Spent time being quite. Spent time being loud. Spent time being selfish. Spent time
being selfless. Spent time just being.
2014 better get ready. I’m
here, I’m better then I’ve been before, and I’m ready.
Love you forever, Miss
you always
Rachel
My 2014 Horoscope: Cancer:
This year, when the world around you starts to come together, when it starts to
make sense, then work on building a place where you can live. Work on making a
place that feels like a home, someplace where your friends can visit, or where
your kitchen is clean and bright, or where you can fall asleep easily and dream
that you’re floating and light. Work on telling stories that can sustain you,
work on building friendships that can keep you whole. Learn about the place
where you live, go on walks, keep your eyes and your heart open wide.
Hi, Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I keep a journal like this to my parents. I decided that, darn it, they bowed out too soon, but that doesn't mean I'm done chatting and visiting and talking to them. So, because of that, I keep a journal to them. Scanning your page, I saw a reference to Gilmore Girls---my go-to show after my mom passed...It was comforting--Still is (Love it!). Also loved Bunheads and was really bummed out when it ended so abruptly (Admittedly, that still hurts). Anyway, just wanted to chime in as a voice from the great void, a kindred spirit showing support and sending hugs and kindness your way. This is a club I don't care for either of us to be in, but now that we're in it, it sure helps to hear from other people that we're not alone, that people care and get it, get what all this means. Much love to you. Sincerely, Melissa :)
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI lost my father in April of 2012, I just lost my mom 3 weeks ago, I have also lost 3 out of 4 of my grandparents. I too started blogging since the death of my mom. It really is a good outlet to the say the things so many around us don't wanna hear or can't understand. Losing parents changes you forever, especially when you are young and the years together were stolen from you. I am learning to surround myself only with people who "get it". Thank you for writing I'm sure your mom would be proud. my blog: http://inourshoes-kate.blogspot.com/