....all by myself...

Hi -

I'm having a hard time with 29. If you take away the job, the home, the belongings inside the home and look at what's left most people have –husbands, wives, kids, a pet, passion, desires, something.  I feel like if you take away my job and apartment and all the things that were inside of it - I'm just standing there alone. That's what I did and that's what it feels like. I'm standing here alone.

Granted I did all this myself. I made active decisions that got myself here but now I'm here and it feels lonely. Which might be the point, I haven't figured that out yet. I haven't figured a lot out yet.

I do know I spent a month in San Francisco and probably smoked a bit too much because I don't know if I have anything to show for it that I wanted too. I want to believe I made relationships and made tracks in people's lives but I'm not sure if I was present enough. I'm not sure that was the right place right off the bat. I think I need to go back later. Maybe after I've figured some stuff out.

I also know that while I don't regret the decisions I made to get here I do think maybe I would have staggered all the life changes a bit instead of knocking them out in one full swoop. Maybe quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, and saying goodbye to Orlando (and everyone in it) all in the same week was a bit fast. I ripped that Band-Aid off so fast I don't really even remember doing it. And now I'm really tired.

I have learned the difference between easy and hard decisions. So that's definitely something. I can say it was easy to move to Orlando 2 years ago. It was so easy it was almost like the decision was made for me. All the pieces fell into place perfectly. Everything materialized and made sense and it was glaringly obvious that that was the path to take. Deciding to quit my job and become a vagabond was the hardest decision I have ever made. Or at least the most active one. There were no pieces that fit together. There was so much agonizing, that I was even sick of myself. There were so many tears (and not all were mine). And it's still agonizing and tearful and everyday I wonder was this right? Can I take it back? Do I want to take it back? Would Orlando look the same?

There's a part of me that feels exactly the same way I did when I was turning 28. That's the scariest thing of all. I honestly and truly think I might be in the same place as I was a year ago. I thought turning everything on its side, giving myself the freedom to feel and be open and be present would change something. Maybe it hasn't been long enough. It's only been a little over a month. So maybe the person I was when I left Orlando was the same person I was when I turned 28, and it hasn't been long enough but hopefully things are in movement. Otherwise what the hell am I doing?

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…I had to change. I had to change was the thought that drove me in those months of planning. Not into a different person, but back to the person I used to be – strong and responsible, clear-eyed and driving, ethical and good…”