Hi –
It’s been a while. I
figured now’s as good a time as any really. Happy Birthday!
I think I spent the day
in a pretty respectable fashion. Went to a Gospel Drag Show Brunch that
included stripping and booby-tassels. Can’t go wrong there. Ran a bunch of
errands with Meridith. Went to Publix. Made dinner. Then spent the rest of the
night doing work things I had been putting off. For all intents and purposes I
could have been you on a Sunday not all that long ago. Probably minus the booby-tassels, but who
knows.
Randi once told me a
story how it took her 3 years and a rainy car ride for her to really accept
that her dad was gone. For me I think it’s a long day at work, leaving me
completely exhausted, and a long car ride home. Lately I’ve been getting in the
car after work and using all my strength to drive home. But in those moments of
complete exhaustion I find myself fixated on the thought that you might really
be gone. It takes every ounce of will power I have left to swallow the tears
that try to spill over my eyes and keep driving. Sometimes I think how nice it would be to give into those
tears. But paralyzed with the fear that once I start crying ill never stop. I
swallow the tears and continue my drive home. It’s a really healthy cycle I’ve got going.
So here we are 2
birthdays have passed and if I close my eyes – I can put myself back in the
pool at the Mansion on Forsyth annoyed that the waiter is taking so long with
our drinks and wondering how exactly you managed to burn your back during a hot
stone massage. I’m scared there might be a day when I can no longer recall that
memory and that weekend. They are my last.
With 20 minutes left of
your birthday I’m going to get in my bed and watch some Star Trek and remember
when I was younger and we watched it together – all 4 of us.
Love you forever, Miss
you always.
Rachel
“…When times are hard I forget you’re gone
I go to call you before it dawns on me
That you wont be there now…”
