Heyo –
How goes it?
Because it’s
going great here. I’m in an amazing place. This new job I started is great. So
far, I’m loving it. Learning new things, doing new things, wearing business
clothes everyday. It’s pretty revolutionary for me.
The days go
by – sometimes a few at a time -
where I’m not compelled to bring you up all the time. Where every conversation
doesn’t make me think of you. Remind me of you.
Sometimes
when that happens I catch myself, and I’m outraged that I went that long
without thinking about you. Then other times I’m proud of myself for making it
so long. I believe some might call that growing or even accepting.
I had a great
day today, seriously a great day. Part of me is so excited about that. I think
it shows how far I’ve come. How much I’ve grown in the last 4 years. How far I
am from that moment on 7th avenue on my knees. Another part of me is scared and
anxious the farther I get from that moment. Farther from a life with you.
Farther from your smell, your soft hands, from the way I fit right under your
chin while we laid on the bed. Just farther.
It’s a mixed
bag really. Today was a great day. I really love my new job. But I remember a
day a few weeks ago where all I wanted was to talk to you on the phone. It was
one of those meh days where all you want to do is call your mommy. So you win
some and you lose some. Today goes in the win column.
This doesn’t
make a whole lot of sense. I’m just rambling at the moment. But sometimes that’s
how it all looks in my head. Fleeting thoughts. Could be because its almost
midnight and I’ve been up since 5:30. And on that note, I’m off to bed.
Love you forever,
Miss you always.
Rachel
“I carry you with me into the world,
into the smell of rain and the words that dance between people and for me, it
will always be this way, walking in the light, remembering being alive together”
