Birthday Blues Party of 1

Hi –

Remember me, it’s your long lost daughter. I’ve been quiet for quite some time now. Birthday Blues are bringing me out of hiding. In less then 48 hours I shall turn 28. I think I’m dreading 28 the way that most people dread 30 or even 40.  I can’t really explain why I’m dreading it, but I just am.

I’ve somehow managed to put all this pressure on myself that things should happen to me in the coming year. That at 28 things should be different, feel different. That I will somehow magically feel like an adult. Be an adult. Do adult things. What those adult things are, or what being an adult really means I have no idea. But here I am putting pressure on myself.

When in actual reality I will wake up on June 28^th and everything will be exactly the same.  Exactly. Then before I know it 6 months will have passed, my life will look exactly the same, and nothing will have changed. Nothing will feel different. I wont feel any closer to being an adult. I won't feel any closer to figuring out my life. But yet, I will have lived 6 more months in some sort of haze waiting to feel something.

I do feel this weird cyclical nature to my life at the moment though. I’m currently sitting on the couch watching Bunheads a new TV show by Amy Sherman-Palladino, the creator of Gilmore Girls. While also being super excited about Aaron Sorkin’s new TV show Newsroom. Just yesterday I was watching Gilmore Girls and excited about Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.  Here’s hoping Newsroom lasts longer then Studio 60, because I still haven’t gotten over that heart break.

I digress. So yeah – Wednesday, my birthday. 28. An even number. A multiple of 2 and 14. 4 and 7.

That’s all I got. My birthday. Wednesday. Dreading it.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…You're a fraud and you know it

But it's too good to throw it all away

Anyone would do the same

You've got 'em going

And you're careful not to show it

Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit

It's like magic

But it's always been a smoke and mirrors game

Anyone would do the same…”

Happy Birthday Mom

Hi –

It’s been a while. I figured now’s as good a time as any really. Happy Birthday!

I think I spent the day in a pretty respectable fashion. Went to a Gospel Drag Show Brunch that included stripping and booby-tassels. Can’t go wrong there. Ran a bunch of errands with Meridith. Went to Publix. Made dinner. Then spent the rest of the night doing work things I had been putting off. For all intents and purposes I could have been you on a Sunday not all that long ago.  Probably minus the booby-tassels, but who knows.

Randi once told me a story how it took her 3 years and a rainy car ride for her to really accept that her dad was gone. For me I think it’s a long day at work, leaving me completely exhausted, and a long car ride home. Lately I’ve been getting in the car after work and using all my strength to drive home. But in those moments of complete exhaustion I find myself fixated on the thought that you might really be gone. It takes every ounce of will power I have left to swallow the tears that try to spill over my eyes and keep driving.  Sometimes I think how nice it would be to give into those tears. But paralyzed with the fear that once I start crying ill never stop. I swallow the tears and continue my drive home.  It’s a really healthy cycle I’ve got going.

So here we are 2 birthdays have passed and if I close my eyes – I can put myself back in the pool at the Mansion on Forsyth annoyed that the waiter is taking so long with our drinks and wondering how exactly you managed to burn your back during a hot stone massage. I’m scared there might be a day when I can no longer recall that memory and that weekend. They are my last.

With 20 minutes left of your birthday I’m going to get in my bed and watch some Star Trek and remember when I was younger and we watched it together – all 4 of us.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…When times are hard I forget you’re gone

I go to call you before it dawns on me

That you wont be there now…”

Here I am, living the dream!

Yo yo yo –

Just sitting here watching some Oprah – ya know the usual!

Seriously though, I’m watching Oprah. Because she just can’t stay away from my TV! I’m actually watching her show on OWN ‘The Next Chapter’ – and her interview with Bobbi Kristina and Whitney Houston’s family - its interesting.

During the portion with Bobbi Kristina there was a part I could relate too. Oprah asked her if she ever thought this would happen. Bobbi Kristina said no. She never expected her to die, or ever thought she would. Of course not. I NEVER would have thought this would have happened to you either. If anyone had ever asked me I probably would have told them you were immortal because I’m pretty sure that’s what I believed. If they had asked me about Dad, my answer would have been different. But I’m sure everyone’s would have.  For as long as I can remember, there was a part of me that always knew that one-day Daddy would die, but never you.

After Bobbi Kristina said she never expected it, she went on to say that even though she never expected it Whitney had unknowingly prepared her for it making her the strong independent woman she was. Which is 100% true about me and you. I never expected this, or even thought of this day, but yet here I am living through it. And that’s because you made me this strong. I’m your spitting image in strength and determination.  Thank you, I guess. Although, if given the choice I’d want to be less strong and have you back.

In other news I finished my taxes. Not sure what that makes me, but here I am sitting on my couch being that person. I owe Turbo Tax a big thank you, and Kahni for answering my nagging question of in what state do I collect interest. Seems easy enough right – I live in Florida so I collect taxes in Florida. I was nervous though the government can be tricky. Amerprise’s address is in MN; I didn’t want to answer wrong. And now I'm rambling.

But good news both Federal and NY State were accepted.  I will make it another year as a tax-paying citizen. Go me! And now, I’ve managed to talk about the only 2 certain things in life - Death and Taxes.

On that note I’m going to fold my laundry and watch some Star Trek. I really live a riveting, earth shattering life these days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…I didn’t know my own strength…”

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone? Rosenthal? Oh Yes, over here. Been here all along.

Hi –

I’m currently sitting on the floor of my living room hitting refresh every minute or so on the Turbo Tax message board waiting for the ‘help’ I paid an additional $29.99 for to come to my rescue. I’m about 5 refreshes in, and still nothing. I guess this is what I get for being all high and mighty thinking I could do this myself. Damn you section B of my 1099-DIV!

Sorry for the radio silence that’s going on. I’ve been going nonstop for over 3 weeks now, with only a few hours here and there for taking a breath. Between getting ready for my business trip to London, going to London, going to Paris, going home for the weekend - its been a bit crazy in my head. Tonight is the first time in a long time when I’ve been home and not completely exhausted. Hence the taxes and all.

Damn you Turbo Tax. Now I need my 2010 taxes, ugh who has those things! Time to call Daddy. I guess it’s really Damn You New York City. Florida doesn’t pay income tax, so they don’t really want to reference my 2010 taxes now do they.

Anyway, moving on. Because things have been so crazy it really hasn’t left me with much time to write. I’m been in bed and asleep by 11 every night for weeks now. Which is really unheard of for me. I’m usually first turning on the sleep function on my TV for 90 minutes at midnight. It’s been a welcome change. Definitely makes 7am look a lot better.

I’m back in therapy. That’s something new and exciting to report. Her name is Dr. Passeri and she’s French. So if nothing else I can pretend I’m très chic. I have a really good therapy goal – to want to talk. I’ll let you know how it goes. I guess keeping a blog doesn’t qualify as ‘talking’ because technically I’ve done a lot of talking - if we’re counting it. She did make a really interesting analogy in our last session. We were talking about time healing, and I told her I didn’t think it did. To me more time just means more time with out you, and more things that have gone by that you have missed, more holidays without you, etc. Her comment back to me was that, yes time on its own does not necessarily heal. But think of a broken bone, if you do absolutely nothing about it of course it won’t heal. But if you go to the doctor, get your bone reset, and a cast – then in time it will heal. So if I were to start talking and open up, and be present and open with my feelings and work through them, then in time I too would heal.

I didn’t think of it at the time, but my response should have been that in the cold and the rain healed bones still hurt.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…What ravages of spirit

Conjured this temptuous rage,

Created you a monster,

Broken by the rule of love?

And fate has led you through it.

You do what you have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked

With apparitions of your soul.

I'm ever swiftly moving,

Trying to escape this desire,

The yearning to be near you.

I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

A glowing ember, burning hot,

And burning slow.

Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence

Of existing for only you.

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do.

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

But I don't know how to let you go.

I don't know how to let you go…”

Pity party for 1? Oh yes, over here.

Hi -

I Rachel Ann Rosenthal might be a workaholic. Or at least I think I might be. Is that what it means, when for the most part during the week work is the highlight? I can go all day being in a great mood, with not really a care in the world outside of what is going on in my little cube at work. For the most part I love every minute of it, and don’t mind going back the next day. But, something takes over during the drive home from work. Something in my head takes over while I'm sitting there alone for 30 plus minutes with nothing better to do than think. Lately I've been seeing myself down the road 10 years from now and I'm always alone. It scares me so much. My worst fear in life is that I will be alone. There I've said it. Or typed it at least.

I am though. I am terrified that I will wake up one day be 40 years old and alone. That there won't be someone lying next to me who I'm sharing my life with, the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. That I'll never know love. That my life will have past by unlived.

Of course I'll still have my friends and all that stuff. But the picture I keep seeing in my head is all of them married with kids, and then there's me - the forever-3rd wheel.

The super scary part is that I have no idea what to do about it. I’m not sure I'm ready for online dating. I went out downtown last weekend and for the most part there didn't seem to be too much for me there. What I really want is for someone to introduce me to someone else. Old school style. I gotta say I think being set up might be nice. There's something reassuring about knowing someone who knows the guy. They can vouch for him. Too bad the majority of my friends are married and hang out with other married people.

What's a girl to do?

What did you do? Why aren't you here to help me? Give me advice? Tell me the story of how you met Dad?

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Silent All These Years

Hi –

I’ve been silent lately. Not in life, or in my head, or in my heart. Just on here. Sorry about that. It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I could talk to you for the rest of my life and never run out of things to say.  I guess I just haven’t been in the right place to sit down and put it all down. I talk to you all day in my head – do you here me then?

I wonder if my lack of voice here is sign of where I am with my denial and detachment. Am I burying myself deeper down into it, or have I found a way to get my head above the water? Probably the former, if the tears clouding my vision are any inclination.

Today was the one-year anniversary of when Nona passed away. Are you two somewhere hanging out, drinking wine? I think I’ve reached this point of unbelievable selfishness in my life. Kahni mentioned it to me on Tuesday and it completely slipped my mind until well into the evening today.  I’m constantly fearful I’m not being the friend to Sara that I should be and want to be in my heart. Sometimes I just can’t see past my own nose. It’s awful. I even managed to forget Matthew’s birthday. I’m a winner for sure.

I have found myself doing this really really awful thing lately. I’m measuring people’s grief and comparing it to my own. It’s awful. Quite possibly one of the worst things I could do. The first thing you learn about grief is that no two peoples are the same. Even when it’s for the same person. And yet, when I hear that someone; who has lived a long, healthy, wonderful life, and were given the opportunity to live out all their possibilities dies; I harden inside. There’s a small part of me that thinks - you have no idea. You can’t possibly. It’s really quite horrible of me.

Kahni made a really important point to me the other day that no matter the age of the woman when she dies, she’s still someone’s mommy. I try to remember that. Hold onto it.

It’s just not fair.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Don't you dare look out your window darling


Everything's on fire


The war outside our door keeps raging on…”

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind...

Hey Yo,

Here I am, in for another year. 2012 has officially started, technically 6 days ago but who’s counting. As you know the Hanukah party has come and gone, so has Christmas, as well as the cruise.

The cruise was good. Very relaxing. It’s nice to get off the grid. I’d forgotten what it was like to not be connected at all times. To have faith that someone will meet you at the agreed upon time in the agreed upon location, with no way to check up on them.  Refreshing really. Plus the massage I had was one of the best ever, so that was pretty awesome.

There were a few times when I would take in the situation and realize that nothing about it would be any different if you were here.  It was weird really. Because outside of these few fleeting moments, I always feel like everything is different and if you were here nothing would be as it is today. But there were times playing Rummikub where it seemed as if you had just stepped away for a second and would play the next round.  Wonder if that puts me closer or farther away from acceptance.

On a different note I’ve been trying to decide if I believe in resolutions and the magic that New Years Day seems to hold. Obviously I believe that resolutions and New Years Day actually exist, but I’m not sure that I buy into the whole idea that on January 1^st your slate gets wiped clean and you can start over. Make of the New Year whatever you want and make of yourself whatever you want. I do believe that you can wake up one day and decide to change things, but I’m not entirely sure that is tied to the date January 1^st. Does that make sense? In my head it does, so that should count for something.

Either way, I keep my motto close to the surface ‘Be Present’. I pretty much suck at it, but I’m trying and hopefully I do better tomorrow than I did today.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…When I'm Down And Feeling Blue

I Close My Eyes So I Can Be With You…”

I think my name might be Virginia…

Hi –

The last few days and weeks have been quite interesting and eye opening. A few weeks back I decided that I wanted to get off lexapro. It’s been over 6 years since I first went on it and my life is in a completely differently place – maybe my coping mechanisms have improved. Well, definitely not. So while I’ve made it through the withdrawal symptoms finally, its blaringly obvious there was a reason I went on the meds to begin with, and the reasons, while they might be different now, are still reasons nonetheless. So back on it I go. Yippee! Once again as Meridith has pointed out, there is nothing about any of this that says I shouldn’t be in therapy.

So while I’ve accepted that I probably have to be on this stuff for quite some time, I’m not exactly thrilled about it. But as I promised myself in college, I never want to feel this way again. But here I am, completely out of control of every emotion I have, but with the awareness to know my reactions and emotions are out of place, but not able to stop them. It’s awful. Definitely don’t recommend it. Combine the crying and I’m a complete mess. It’s been awesome.

In the middle of all of this was the Hanukkah party. Some might say it was a success, and that they had a great time. I would beg to differ. Maybe last year I was in too much of a haze of some sort to really pay attention, but this year I felt like every time someone looked at me they saw you. Which granted is not a bad thing, but for some reason in this instance it really got to me - I was in your house, in your kitchen, throwing your party – I was you.

There I was in the middle of it all feeling completely alone and isolated. It was not fun. I have to think that you must have felt that way during the parties at least once. There you are in the kitchen washing the 17^th dish of the night alone, while everyone else is drinking and laughing and eating. At one point I looked around and was so angry, and swore I wasn’t going to do it again next year. I’m sure we will though. I’m sure that’s how it always went. At the end when you looked around the mess of a house and knew you had to clean it yourself you swore not again. Then September comes along and you don’t remember any of it, and you pick the date for the next party. I’m tried just thinking about it. What can you do though, certainly not be the one to break the tradition.

I just keep thinking about the massage I’m going to get while on the cruise. It’s getting me through. It’s really the little things.

Miss you forever, Love you always.

Rachel

“…And here she is again on the phone

Just like me hates to be alone

We just like to sit at home

And rip on the president

Meet Virginia, mmmm…

Well she wants to live her life

Then she thinks about her life

Pulls her hair back, as she screams

"I don't really wanna live this life"

She only drinks coffee at midnight

But the moment is not right

And the time is quite, unusual

You see her confidence is tragic

But her intuition magic

And the shape of her body, unusual

Meet Virginia, I can't wait to

Meet Virginia, yeah, yeah, hey, hey

Well, she wants to be the queen

Then she thinks about her scene

Well, she wants to live her life

Then she thinks about her life

Pulls her hair back as she screams

I don't really wanna be the queen, ah, ah

I don't really wanna live here…”

We are always what our situations hand us....

Hi –

Yesterday I had this thought that what if you died so that I would be forced to reach my full potential. It’s the same thought process about would I turn back the clock so none of this ever happened. You can’t. There would be no Kalel. I wouldn’t have been pushed to move to Orlando. I wouldn’t be where I am now; doing the things I’m doing now. Not to say that some of these things would have never happened, but they would be different. It’s the same train of thought of what would you do if you were here – well I’m pretty sure the situations I’m asking that question to I wouldn’t find myself in if you were here.

But what if you did? What if that was the point? What if that is the outcome? Are you happy with it? Am I reaching my potential?

It definitely doesn’t feel like it. Some days I might buy it. I love my job, my friends, and I think I’m on top of my game. Then other days I feel like I’m nowhere. I have no idea what I’m doing. I look at my life and I have no idea how I got to where I’m at or where I might be going. All I know is this isn’t what I pictured my life to look like.

Perhaps I’m just schizophrenic.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“They say that these are not the best of times

But they're the only times I've ever known

And I believe there is a time for meditation

In cathedrals of our own

Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lovers' eyes

I can only stand apart and sympathize

For we are always what our situations hand us

It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise

And realize that nothing's ever changed

For all our mutual experience

Our separate conclusions are the same

Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity

A reason coexists with our insanity

Though, we choose between reality and madness

It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies

Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies

And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives

With our respective similarities

It's either sadness or euphoria”

Hi –

Just ugh really…..

I miss you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel