Lists, Lows, and Gender Sterotypes

Hi –

So that moment that I’ve been secretly afraid of for all of my professional years happened today. I cried in a meeting. A meeting with all men. All bigger than me men. In a meeting I called. My embarrassment level is officially off the charts. I handled it in the best way possible, meeting was called to an end and I left as quickly as possible, tripping along the way and spilling coffee on myself. Today will go down as not a winner.

Honestly, it’s just topping to what has not been my favorite week. I’ve just felt off, hence why I’m writing. It’s been a very very very long time.

I commented on a blog I read the other day. It was about what losing your mom really felt like. There was a great line in it…”Losing a mother is like being on a ship that has lost it's ballast and is now at the mercy of the deepest ocean and all it holds within. I bob around without a foundation to bring me back to the same balanced spot each time, a spot I just can't get right.” It’s so very true.

My comment was how I want to tell her it will get better; she lost her mom in the last 6 months. But I think that’s a lie we tell ourselves so that we get up the next day. It doesn’t ever get better. That’s the hard realization that I’ve slowly been coming too. I talked about it a lot in the beginning, that I didn’t see it ever getting better. That I saw myself now with a hole in my heart. Or this truth about myself that I had to carry around. It’s so much more and different then all of those things.

I make lists now. I have a running list of things in my head of what you’ve missed. Or won’t get to see. Milestones like how in December I bought my first car. Lowest of low moments like today where I cried at work. Amazing ones like seeing Garth Brooks in concert. Seriously amazing. Then the in-between ones like attending my first PGA show, or the latest movie I saw that was really good. Tons and tons of lists.

Today was a rough day all on it’s own. You not being able to help me through it makes it doubly rough. Apologizing for crying is not a fun thing to do ever. Especially at work. Especially to men.  I’ve never been the type of person to pay attention to gender stereotypes at work. Mainly because I refuse to believe that this is still something that goes on. It’s completely unacceptable and unfathomable. And yet today I played right into it. Like a fucking fiddle. My name is Rachel Rosenthal and today I cried at work.

Fuck me!

Love you forever, Miss you Always,

Rachel

“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.” Tina Fey, Bossypants

Silent All These Years

Hi –

I’ve been silent lately. Not in life, or in my head, or in my heart. Just on here. Sorry about that. It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I could talk to you for the rest of my life and never run out of things to say.  I guess I just haven’t been in the right place to sit down and put it all down. I talk to you all day in my head – do you here me then?

I wonder if my lack of voice here is sign of where I am with my denial and detachment. Am I burying myself deeper down into it, or have I found a way to get my head above the water? Probably the former, if the tears clouding my vision are any inclination.

Today was the one-year anniversary of when Nona passed away. Are you two somewhere hanging out, drinking wine? I think I’ve reached this point of unbelievable selfishness in my life. Kahni mentioned it to me on Tuesday and it completely slipped my mind until well into the evening today.  I’m constantly fearful I’m not being the friend to Sara that I should be and want to be in my heart. Sometimes I just can’t see past my own nose. It’s awful. I even managed to forget Matthew’s birthday. I’m a winner for sure.

I have found myself doing this really really awful thing lately. I’m measuring people’s grief and comparing it to my own. It’s awful. Quite possibly one of the worst things I could do. The first thing you learn about grief is that no two peoples are the same. Even when it’s for the same person. And yet, when I hear that someone; who has lived a long, healthy, wonderful life, and were given the opportunity to live out all their possibilities dies; I harden inside. There’s a small part of me that thinks - you have no idea. You can’t possibly. It’s really quite horrible of me.

Kahni made a really important point to me the other day that no matter the age of the woman when she dies, she’s still someone’s mommy. I try to remember that. Hold onto it.

It’s just not fair.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Don't you dare look out your window darling


Everything's on fire


The war outside our door keeps raging on…”

One is silver, and the other is gold.

Hola Mamasita,

I talk to you a lot in the car; well talk is a strong word. I think in my head as if I’m talking to you. Do you hear me? I think that’s why I’m not writing as much, because I’m spending all this time in the car now thinking my thoughts through. Where as when I was living in NYC I didn’t really have these huge chunks of time to myself.

I’ve been listening to ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ in the car. It’s a true story written by Joan Didion, about how her husband died almost instantly from a massive heart attack and the year that follows. I definitely relate to a lot of the things she says. There are some things that I have already realized about myself and when she says them I know for sure they are true. And then there are other things that I don’t even recognize about myself until I hear her describe it. 

At one point she talks about how the anger stage is actually broken into 3 sections, with the difference being who the anger is directed at. She says that at first people are angry with themselves, which I was. I was so angry that I was left. That I was surviving, and that this didn’t destroy me. That I some how handled it. Then she says you stop being angry with yourself and start being angry with the person who died. I’m not sure I was ever really angry with you per say. You didn’t chose this, and I believe with all my heart that you would have done anything you could do to have prevented it if you knew what was going to happen. Then finally you direct your anger to other survivors. Gotta say – that’s about where I’m at. There are times I have so much anger inside of me that is unresolved, and misplaced, and unhealthy, and everything else that anger is that I could probably start screaming and never stop. But that’s not hard to believe, I always did flare up rather easily.

On the other side of the token though everything else in my life right now is going really well. So that’s something. Professionally speaking this was the best move I could have made. I hope you can see that. I hope you can see that I’m doing really well. That I’m working harder than I ever have, and I hope you’re proud of me. That comes from you, you know.

Personally I’m getting there. I think the moments when I find myself losing it are important moments to go through. I think I’m surrounding myself with the right people, and I hope you can see that too. You always said it was better to have a few really close friends, than a lot of not so close friends.

And on that note, I’m off to bed. I had a lovely evening out with some friends for a birthday and now I’m pretty excited about not having to wake up in the AM until I’m good a ready.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well so here I am at the end of the road

Where do I go from here?

I always figured it would be like this

Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled

But I just can't decide where to go

Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep

But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how to start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head

And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes

I see the way that I’ve been spendin' my days

And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today

And it sure was a grand waste of time

And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face

I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard”

Coincidences, perhaps

Hi -

I'm not sure I believe in coincidences but I just want to point out that the 18th will forever be the anniversary of your death and it is also the Jewish number for life.

Just saying.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel