Hi –
So that moment that I’ve
been secretly afraid of for all of my professional years happened today. I
cried in a meeting. A meeting with all men. All bigger than me men. In a
meeting I called. My embarrassment level is officially off the charts. I
handled it in the best way possible, meeting was called to an end and I left as
quickly as possible, tripping along the way and spilling coffee on myself.
Today will go down as not a winner.
Honestly, it’s just
topping to what has not been my favorite week. I’ve just felt off, hence why I’m
writing. It’s been a very very very long time.
I commented on a blog I
read the other day. It was about what losing your mom really felt like. There
was a great line in it…”Losing a mother is like being on a ship that has lost
it's ballast and is now at the mercy of the deepest ocean and all it holds
within. I bob around without a foundation to bring me back to the same balanced
spot each time, a spot I just can't get right.” It’s so very true.
My comment was how I want
to tell her it will get better; she lost her mom in the last 6 months. But I
think that’s a lie we tell ourselves so that we get up the next day. It doesn’t
ever get better. That’s the hard realization that I’ve slowly been coming too.
I talked about it a lot in the beginning, that I didn’t see it ever getting
better. That I saw myself now with a hole in my heart. Or this truth about
myself that I had to carry around. It’s so much more and different then all of
those things.
I make lists now. I have
a running list of things in my head of what you’ve missed. Or won’t get to see.
Milestones like how in December I bought my first car. Lowest of low moments
like today where I cried at work. Amazing ones like seeing Garth Brooks in
concert. Seriously amazing. Then the in-between ones like attending my first
PGA show, or the latest movie I saw that was really good. Tons and tons of
lists.
Today was a rough day all
on it’s own. You not being able to help me through it makes it doubly rough.
Apologizing for crying is not a fun thing to do ever. Especially at work.
Especially to men. I’ve never been
the type of person to pay attention to gender stereotypes at work. Mainly
because I refuse to believe that this is still something that goes on. It’s
completely unacceptable and unfathomable. And yet today I played right into it.
Like a fucking fiddle. My name is Rachel Rosenthal and today I cried at work.
Fuck me!
Love you forever, Miss
you Always,
Rachel
“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I
say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.” Tina Fey, Bossypants
