Silent All These Years

Hi –

I’ve been silent lately. Not in life, or in my head, or in my heart. Just on here. Sorry about that. It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I could talk to you for the rest of my life and never run out of things to say.  I guess I just haven’t been in the right place to sit down and put it all down. I talk to you all day in my head – do you here me then?

I wonder if my lack of voice here is sign of where I am with my denial and detachment. Am I burying myself deeper down into it, or have I found a way to get my head above the water? Probably the former, if the tears clouding my vision are any inclination.

Today was the one-year anniversary of when Nona passed away. Are you two somewhere hanging out, drinking wine? I think I’ve reached this point of unbelievable selfishness in my life. Kahni mentioned it to me on Tuesday and it completely slipped my mind until well into the evening today.  I’m constantly fearful I’m not being the friend to Sara that I should be and want to be in my heart. Sometimes I just can’t see past my own nose. It’s awful. I even managed to forget Matthew’s birthday. I’m a winner for sure.

I have found myself doing this really really awful thing lately. I’m measuring people’s grief and comparing it to my own. It’s awful. Quite possibly one of the worst things I could do. The first thing you learn about grief is that no two peoples are the same. Even when it’s for the same person. And yet, when I hear that someone; who has lived a long, healthy, wonderful life, and were given the opportunity to live out all their possibilities dies; I harden inside. There’s a small part of me that thinks - you have no idea. You can’t possibly. It’s really quite horrible of me.

Kahni made a really important point to me the other day that no matter the age of the woman when she dies, she’s still someone’s mommy. I try to remember that. Hold onto it.

It’s just not fair.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Don't you dare look out your window darling


Everything's on fire


The war outside our door keeps raging on…”

Take my hand, and I’ll show you the way

Hola –

I’m sure you already know this, because she’s probably sitting next to you with a glass of wine in her hand, but Nona passed away yesterday. Carly put a really good quote as her Facebook status - "...And all the generations gathered around her...& held her close / And they would have blocked the light if they had not come filled with their memories of love."

I think it’s this weird moment in everyone’s life right now. They can’t help but compare Nona’s passing to yours. The expected vs. unexpected, the natural progression of ones life vs. stolen time, calm acceptance vs. shock and anger. I think there is also some guilt floating around because she’s finally at peace, the sisters are at peace, as well as the grandkids. And you can’t but be happy and somewhat relieved for that fact, but sad that the once beautiful and vibrant Nona is gone.

I’m going to fly down there tomorrow for the weekend. Its important to me, and what I want to do, so I’m doing it. It might be slightly silly and a bit unneeded when all is said and done, but it feels right to me – so I’m going. Plus any excuse to go to Orlando for the weekend I’m taking.

When you first died I had read a bunch of articles and things and they all talked about how no matter your age – losing your mother is the greatest loss a woman can feel, besides losing a child. Because even though you might be a full grown woman with a full life of your own, your still someones daughter. And even though you will always be a daughter, in that moment you feel like your not anymore; that part of what defined you is gone. No matter how irrational its sounds you no longer feel like so and so’s daughter. You’re just so and so now. So that’s part of my driving force – to give Kahni a hug. A been there, done that, let me show you the way hug.

And of course the other reason I’m going is so that in the morning I can crawl into Carlys super comfy bed once Richard vacates and lay there with her and watch the History Channel.

So yeah I’m off to Orlando for the weekend if the snow allows, too show them all the way.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

“Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?”

“Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?”