What exactly is a Gatoroid? And why must it fight a Mega Python?

Hi –

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I spent the majority of the weekend with a blood alcohol level well above the legal limit. I do have to say though I had an awesome time. Hung out with some good people, ate some delicious food, tried some new things, all in all I would call it a very successful weekend. I missed you though.

While being intoxicated I realized I still talk about you just as much as I did when you were here. I think it only makes sense though, seeing as how I talked about you quite a bit before you died. Why would that necessarily change? I yam the way I yam because of you.

It doesn’t bother me of course, I think it keeps you with me. Not sure about other people though. People who know me, but aren’t that close to me, I  think get a little uneasy. I think they think I might freak out on them. When in reality keeping your memory close, and making sure you're still present in my life makes me feel better.

I hung out with Lizzie on Saturday in the city and when people ask how we know each other, she would tell them our moms were best friends for the past 30 plus years. I’m always curious what they then immediately think. These people are obviously close to Lizzie, so I’m sure they don’t think something happened to Rab. So do they think they had a falling out, but Lizzie and I remained friends. Or do people immediately go to death. It’s hard to tell, there’s really no follow up question that ever comes. I would love for there to be. I think it would be an interesting look at humans, and society, and the way we deal with things. I have no idea how you would conduct the research, but I’m just thinking it would be interesting.

Carly put this beautiful letter on Facebook for Nona yesterday. I think it helped her make sense and process. Lord knows that’s what I’ve been doing here. There was something so honestly beautiful in her words. Very poetic. I can’t help but think that maybe some of that was what Dad went through with you, but in a more painful heart wrenching way. Where there was no peace at the end, no thank yous falling from his lips.

I’m also not sure where I’m falling on the whole religion, god, and afterlife spectrum. I’m all over the place with that. But at the end of her letter, Carly put what I can only assume is a passage from the bible and I like it. I like the calm that came over me after I read it. The little bit of peace that came into my heart.

So without further ado – Carly’s words:

“You died on a Wednesday afternoon on a beautiful day in January. You made it just past Christmas. Plane tickets were relatively cheap, schedules were relatively free. You couldn't have picked a better time. You looked so tiny there in your bed, as if you were disappearing before our eyes. And you were. Your eyes were mostly closed. Your breaths were harder to take, further and further apart. Like labor contractions in reverse. It's been 5 seconds, 8, 15, 30... We stood there, around your bed watching you. Mommy knelt on the floor. We saw you out (but where did you go?). I said thank you, for everything. You were our Nona and you've played with us and been proud of us and worried about us all of our lives. We told you we loved you. We said your favorite prayer (Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace). Mom sang a terrible first verse of amazing grace. I hummed "fly away" in my head. It was minutes, seconds. And then you were just gone. Dead. And how could that be? How could everything we knew of you be lying right there, the hands we held, the head we kissed, the arms that held us close as babies. Your cheeks, your hair... And you be completely gone?

And so we let them take you away, in a white van, with people we didn't know. Because it wasn't you anymore, that's what we kept saying. And I can't get my mind around it. Being dead is nothing I can understand. I hope you're somewhere happy and conscious of your happiness. Or maybe here with us.  The priest said that this too was a holy time.

God, help us to feel you in a very real way during this holy mourning time. Help us to be kind to each other. Help us to mourn as you have helped every survivor in the history of your creation. And help us to  rejoice that the ones who left are there with you. And help me to not be angry and anxious and lost. And take our Nona, your Nona, into your arms to hold with you in joy for always.”

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“He said I wanna see you again

But I'm stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then”

Take my hand, and I’ll show you the way

Hola –

I’m sure you already know this, because she’s probably sitting next to you with a glass of wine in her hand, but Nona passed away yesterday. Carly put a really good quote as her Facebook status - "...And all the generations gathered around her...& held her close / And they would have blocked the light if they had not come filled with their memories of love."

I think it’s this weird moment in everyone’s life right now. They can’t help but compare Nona’s passing to yours. The expected vs. unexpected, the natural progression of ones life vs. stolen time, calm acceptance vs. shock and anger. I think there is also some guilt floating around because she’s finally at peace, the sisters are at peace, as well as the grandkids. And you can’t but be happy and somewhat relieved for that fact, but sad that the once beautiful and vibrant Nona is gone.

I’m going to fly down there tomorrow for the weekend. Its important to me, and what I want to do, so I’m doing it. It might be slightly silly and a bit unneeded when all is said and done, but it feels right to me – so I’m going. Plus any excuse to go to Orlando for the weekend I’m taking.

When you first died I had read a bunch of articles and things and they all talked about how no matter your age – losing your mother is the greatest loss a woman can feel, besides losing a child. Because even though you might be a full grown woman with a full life of your own, your still someones daughter. And even though you will always be a daughter, in that moment you feel like your not anymore; that part of what defined you is gone. No matter how irrational its sounds you no longer feel like so and so’s daughter. You’re just so and so now. So that’s part of my driving force – to give Kahni a hug. A been there, done that, let me show you the way hug.

And of course the other reason I’m going is so that in the morning I can crawl into Carlys super comfy bed once Richard vacates and lay there with her and watch the History Channel.

So yeah I’m off to Orlando for the weekend if the snow allows, too show them all the way.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

“Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?”

“Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?”

"Facebook Me!" "Tag Me!"

Yo –

It’s been a couple of days, sorry about that. I suppose you could say life is in-fact continuing to happen to me.

Carly is here visiting – which is super exciting if you ask me. She got here on Thursday and we have already managed to do quite a bit. We’ve been out to Rab’s for a night. We did some outlet shopping where I purchased real grown up clothes. I got 2 pencil skirts and some shirts to go with them from Banana Republic. I told Dad about them, and he was super excited to hear they were clothes where I could not possibly wear my usual 3 layers. You would probably be equally as excited about that fact. 

Today we managed to pull a double feature at 2 different movie theaters. We saw a riveting documentary called “Nuremburg.”  It’s a documentary that was commissioned in 1948 by the US Government that recounts what happened during the trials. It was originally aired in Germany to educate the public and then never showed in the US. It’s been off the grid until recently when it was re-mastered and now its being shown in the US for the first time. It’s exactly as you would expect a documentary from 1948 to be like, and I fell asleep. Liev Shreiber narrated it and I guess I assumed that it would be in English because of that, but it was pretty heavily subtitled. I’m usually cool with that, but for some reason today it put me right to sleep.

We also saw ‘The Social Network” tonight which is the newest Aaron Sorkin movie, and its about Facebook. Of course, it was awesome. It makes me want to read all about how Facebook came to be because this was just one side of things. I remember when I first got my Facebook account back at FSU in 2004ish. When it was only college students, and you HAD to have an edu address. Now anyone can and does have an account. Even you, still. And 2 no less. Way to go mom. If only you could update your status from where ever you are. That would be AWESOME. Or perhaps creepy. It’s really a toss up.

I’m starting to have dreams that I remember, which is unusual for me. They also are some how about you, or you are definitely a missing component of them. The first dream was a couple nights ago. I was in NYC in my apartment, Carly was here, and Dad was somewhere near by. Someone (I have no idea who) told me that you and Dad were getting a divorce; this didn’t come to a shock to me though. They then proceeded to tell me that you had been laid off from your job in the last week, which really upset me because you hadn’t told me yourself yet. Then this person went on to tell me that you had been in a car accident on your way home from getting laid off and you had lost the baby (apparently you were pregnant). All I wanted to do after hearing this was call you on the phone, but I couldn’t. It’s hazy to me if the reason I couldn’t talk to you was because we weren’t speaking to each other and that was why I was getting this information second hand, or if it literally was just not possible for some other reason. Whatever it was, I just know that I wasn’t allowed to talk to you on the phone and I was incredibly upset about that. Well, it doesn’t take a PhD to figure out the root of that dream I’m sure. I’ve been pretty vocal about how I’m upset that I can no longer talk to you on the phone and how that’s just the most ridiculous thing on the planet. It’s just that it was the first dream I’ve had in a while that I remember.

The other dream is a bit more random and I had it last night. Carly is in it again, and we are at Rab’s house. It’s Sunday, and Dad and Kahni have just showed up. Carly and I are getting ready to head back to the city and we have to be back by 1pm because I have a zip car and that is when it’s due back. Dad and Kahni are REALLY upset about that, and keep asking me ‘what are we supposed to do for the rest of the day’ and ‘can’t I just extend the rental, its only money’. I tell them that just because I have to be back at 1pm it doesn’t mean I have plans for the rest of the day, and they can come hang out with me in the city but that I have to go. Because if I don’t have the car back at 1 I will get charged a rather large fine. They don’t care and are annoyed. That’s the entire dream. No resolution, no ending, nothing.  That one I’m a bit more perplexed by. I’m sure its somehow related to you, and how we had no ending, and no resolution, and just a random last conversation, which I was drunk for. Or it could be something completely different that I am clueless about. I should Google dreams. Maybe tomorrow at work.

So yeah – nothing SUPER exciting has been keeping me busy, but I’ve been pleasantly busy nonetheless. Hopefully my busyness becomes exciting. I’m going to see Kalel on Thursday so that in itself will be amazing. Matt, Lauren, and Dad will be there too – which is also exciting. But Kalel might be at the front of the excitingness.

It’s late and I have work tomorrow so I’m going to sign off.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

The words that you said

They still ring in my head

Don't you know

We say goodbye

With a tear in our eye

Oh, where'd you go

It's alright you can sleep tonight

Knowing you'll always live on in a song

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

Will you be the same when we see you again

Remember the days

When we'd laugh as you played

Who would have known

The water would come and just take you away

Oh, where'd you go

It's not alright

I can't sleep tonight

Knowing you should have played on

On and on

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

Will you forgive me when I see you again

You had a good time

Drinking all of our wine

After the show

We all rode the wave

Of that crazy parade

Oh, where'd you go

What happened to

The ones we knew

As long as I'm the shiniest star

Oh, there you are

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

We'll still be here when you come round again