Last thoughts from high on a cloud…for a while anyway

Hi Lady –

I’m back on a plane at the moment. It’s my last for a while, that I know of anyway. The next flight I’m planning is for Matt’s wedding, but who knows where the next 3 months will take me. I plan on getting my passport renewed, so once that’s done the world is once again my oyster.

The past week has been insane. Literally. I had my last day at WB. It was definitely one of the more surreal moments in my life to date. It’s been my only job until now. It’s been my home for 5 years. Everyday I walked off the elevator, I knew what to expect; for the most part anyway. I knew Ila would be there, Elissa, Nevin, etc. I got a little teary eyed saying goodbye, I’m not going to lie about that. I also had my first thoughts of, ‘Oh my god! Did I do the right thing.’ They had to come sooner or later though, right. I guess it would have been really weird if I never had them. But I know I’m doing the right thing. Somewhere.

That night after saying goodbye Todd and Ila took me to a delicious last meal in NYC. Then I spent one more night on their couch before Sara came and got me and we went out to Jersey. I spent my last night in the NYC area at Rab’s house, which was important for me to do. That was the place I wanted to leave from. The last memories I wanted to have of living in the city.

The reason Sara came to get me was because we drove to Ohio for Shayan and Seema’s wedding, and it was amazing. Everyone at least once in his or her life should go to a full on Indian wedding. We 100% did dance in the streets, we had police escorts, and were lead by an SUV that had a sound system blaring music for us. The customary white horse that Shayan was supposed to arrive on was replaced by Seema’s Dads 1977 corvette, not a bad trade. I ate my face off, and then kept eating. Then I watched both of their families perform choreographed dances, 2 of them. It was epic. Again, totally recommend it.

I managed to listen to my first book on tape during our drive; you should be excited about that. I’m sure the fact that it was Tina Fey’s book “Bossypants” and she’s the reader had more to do with it, than me suddenly becoming a lover of books on tape. The book is amazing though. I’m now fully convinced that I want to be Tina Fey when I grow up, and I also want Sara to be her as well so that I can be best friends with myself, because she’s that awesome, and the book was that funny. I literally laughed my way across I-80 west.

Your birthday came and went. Did you do anything for it where you are? I hope so. I imagined you drinking the day away with Rue McClanahan and Dixie Carter. I know I would enjoy that myself. I celebrated your birthday by watching Prince William and Kate get married. I was oddly interested in it. Besides the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, there was something about it. She looked beautiful, and together they looked relaxed, it was just nice to watch. Plus because I really am a girl, I of course had to see her dress when she first stepped out of the car.

I went to Target with Sara at one point and she was shopping for her Mothers Day card. I thought I would be really upset about the whole thing, but at the moment I’m not. I was looking for a card for grandma and I read one where the sentiment was that the grandma in the card liked her grandkids better than her actual kid, and the grandkid says, ‘don’t worry I won’t tell you know who.’ Meaning the mom or dad of the kid. I thought to myself, hmm that would be a really shitty card to get, and just kept looking, totally un-phased. I wonder if it’s because I’ve psyched myself up to be upset, that now I can’t actually get upset. I read somewhere that the anticipation of something is always worse that the reality of it. I also think I might be a little hardened inside. Maybe hardened isn’t the right way to say it, lets try that I’ve become cold. I know the right things to say in sad situations, and I say them, but there’s rarely feeling behind them. I would imagine its because I can’t get past my own sad situation that no one else compares. Not that I should be comparing situations. Grief is different for every person, and should never be compared. See – there I go. Totally know the right things to say, but I don’t believe them at all. If in some twisted moment I was playing a game of lets compare grief, I think I should win.

The plane I’m on right now is taking me to Fort Lauderdale where I will spend 2 days before driving to Orlando for good. Pretty exciting I think. My 2 days in Fort Lauderdale are going to be pretty exciting too. Ila will be down so I’m going to take her to crickets for a sandwich. I’m going to step foot into a Catholic Church to get some form filled out for Matt so he can get married to Lauren. I might even go through some of my stuff at the house and take it up to Orlando. That would make Dad really happy.

Oh also, I got my first speeding ticket, awesome huh? And in Ohio, so of course I have to pay it instead of fight it because unfortunately I’m unable to attend my court date on May 16^th. The really awesome part about the whole thing is that the ticket is for going 80 in a 70. I know I’m a total speed demon. What was I thinking?

I’m going to attempt to sleep for the last hour of my flight. I think now that I’m getting back into being in one place, and having a routine I’ll be writing more again. It was just my crazy schedule the last few weeks. I haven’t slept in the same bed for longer than 2 days for over a week now. Good thing I’m such an excellent sleeper.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes bolder, children get older

I'm getting older too, well…”

"Facebook Me!" "Tag Me!"

Yo –

It’s been a couple of days, sorry about that. I suppose you could say life is in-fact continuing to happen to me.

Carly is here visiting – which is super exciting if you ask me. She got here on Thursday and we have already managed to do quite a bit. We’ve been out to Rab’s for a night. We did some outlet shopping where I purchased real grown up clothes. I got 2 pencil skirts and some shirts to go with them from Banana Republic. I told Dad about them, and he was super excited to hear they were clothes where I could not possibly wear my usual 3 layers. You would probably be equally as excited about that fact. 

Today we managed to pull a double feature at 2 different movie theaters. We saw a riveting documentary called “Nuremburg.”  It’s a documentary that was commissioned in 1948 by the US Government that recounts what happened during the trials. It was originally aired in Germany to educate the public and then never showed in the US. It’s been off the grid until recently when it was re-mastered and now its being shown in the US for the first time. It’s exactly as you would expect a documentary from 1948 to be like, and I fell asleep. Liev Shreiber narrated it and I guess I assumed that it would be in English because of that, but it was pretty heavily subtitled. I’m usually cool with that, but for some reason today it put me right to sleep.

We also saw ‘The Social Network” tonight which is the newest Aaron Sorkin movie, and its about Facebook. Of course, it was awesome. It makes me want to read all about how Facebook came to be because this was just one side of things. I remember when I first got my Facebook account back at FSU in 2004ish. When it was only college students, and you HAD to have an edu address. Now anyone can and does have an account. Even you, still. And 2 no less. Way to go mom. If only you could update your status from where ever you are. That would be AWESOME. Or perhaps creepy. It’s really a toss up.

I’m starting to have dreams that I remember, which is unusual for me. They also are some how about you, or you are definitely a missing component of them. The first dream was a couple nights ago. I was in NYC in my apartment, Carly was here, and Dad was somewhere near by. Someone (I have no idea who) told me that you and Dad were getting a divorce; this didn’t come to a shock to me though. They then proceeded to tell me that you had been laid off from your job in the last week, which really upset me because you hadn’t told me yourself yet. Then this person went on to tell me that you had been in a car accident on your way home from getting laid off and you had lost the baby (apparently you were pregnant). All I wanted to do after hearing this was call you on the phone, but I couldn’t. It’s hazy to me if the reason I couldn’t talk to you was because we weren’t speaking to each other and that was why I was getting this information second hand, or if it literally was just not possible for some other reason. Whatever it was, I just know that I wasn’t allowed to talk to you on the phone and I was incredibly upset about that. Well, it doesn’t take a PhD to figure out the root of that dream I’m sure. I’ve been pretty vocal about how I’m upset that I can no longer talk to you on the phone and how that’s just the most ridiculous thing on the planet. It’s just that it was the first dream I’ve had in a while that I remember.

The other dream is a bit more random and I had it last night. Carly is in it again, and we are at Rab’s house. It’s Sunday, and Dad and Kahni have just showed up. Carly and I are getting ready to head back to the city and we have to be back by 1pm because I have a zip car and that is when it’s due back. Dad and Kahni are REALLY upset about that, and keep asking me ‘what are we supposed to do for the rest of the day’ and ‘can’t I just extend the rental, its only money’. I tell them that just because I have to be back at 1pm it doesn’t mean I have plans for the rest of the day, and they can come hang out with me in the city but that I have to go. Because if I don’t have the car back at 1 I will get charged a rather large fine. They don’t care and are annoyed. That’s the entire dream. No resolution, no ending, nothing.  That one I’m a bit more perplexed by. I’m sure its somehow related to you, and how we had no ending, and no resolution, and just a random last conversation, which I was drunk for. Or it could be something completely different that I am clueless about. I should Google dreams. Maybe tomorrow at work.

So yeah – nothing SUPER exciting has been keeping me busy, but I’ve been pleasantly busy nonetheless. Hopefully my busyness becomes exciting. I’m going to see Kalel on Thursday so that in itself will be amazing. Matt, Lauren, and Dad will be there too – which is also exciting. But Kalel might be at the front of the excitingness.

It’s late and I have work tomorrow so I’m going to sign off.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

The words that you said

They still ring in my head

Don't you know

We say goodbye

With a tear in our eye

Oh, where'd you go

It's alright you can sleep tonight

Knowing you'll always live on in a song

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

Will you be the same when we see you again

Remember the days

When we'd laugh as you played

Who would have known

The water would come and just take you away

Oh, where'd you go

It's not alright

I can't sleep tonight

Knowing you should have played on

On and on

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

Will you forgive me when I see you again

You had a good time

Drinking all of our wine

After the show

We all rode the wave

Of that crazy parade

Oh, where'd you go

What happened to

The ones we knew

As long as I'm the shiniest star

Oh, there you are

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

We'll still be here when you come round again