Who will I see Bette Midler with now?

Hi –

I had another dream last night that was about you and the big gapping hole I now have in my life, heart, general being. All I know is that I was in my room at home, but it looked like my room in NYC and I was searching for something to wear to an event about you. It wasn’t your funeral, or what seemed to be an unveiling. What I sort of remember was we were going somewhere where there was going to be a button that was going to be lit that had your name on it, and people could press it. Pushing the button didn’t cause anything to happen, but it was just a way for people to remember you. They could go to this place (don’t ask me where it was going to be) and press this button. That’s all I remember, I was trying to get dressed and I couldn’t find anything to wear.

After this dream I proceeded to toss and turn all night long, maybe getting a total of 2 or 3 hours of sleep at most. I’m sure Carly was really glad she was sleeping next to me at this point. I also repeatedly woke up thinking I was hearing something crashing down to the floor and would yell at Carly about it. Apparently it was nothing at all. Also – who knew how much noise my room makes at night. My bed creaks like it was built 800 years ago, and not made on an assembly line by Ikea 3 years ago. My TV makes a buzzing noise, and my DVD player gets a radio transmission if the wires are all plugged in. Perhaps this is you haunting me. I would think you would want me to get my beauty rest though, so perhaps we could come up with a better way to let me know you’re around. You could have a Trisha Yearwood song start randomly playing, that would be cool.

I’m headed home from work now, where I will eat a real meal instead of cereal – you would be proud.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now I'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now I'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter

'cause if you're not really here
then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to you
black and gold

I look up into the night sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
I see nothing but black

I feel a way of something beyond them
I don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now I'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter

'cause if you're not really here
then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to you
black and gold

"Facebook Me!" "Tag Me!"

Yo –

It’s been a couple of days, sorry about that. I suppose you could say life is in-fact continuing to happen to me.

Carly is here visiting – which is super exciting if you ask me. She got here on Thursday and we have already managed to do quite a bit. We’ve been out to Rab’s for a night. We did some outlet shopping where I purchased real grown up clothes. I got 2 pencil skirts and some shirts to go with them from Banana Republic. I told Dad about them, and he was super excited to hear they were clothes where I could not possibly wear my usual 3 layers. You would probably be equally as excited about that fact. 

Today we managed to pull a double feature at 2 different movie theaters. We saw a riveting documentary called “Nuremburg.”  It’s a documentary that was commissioned in 1948 by the US Government that recounts what happened during the trials. It was originally aired in Germany to educate the public and then never showed in the US. It’s been off the grid until recently when it was re-mastered and now its being shown in the US for the first time. It’s exactly as you would expect a documentary from 1948 to be like, and I fell asleep. Liev Shreiber narrated it and I guess I assumed that it would be in English because of that, but it was pretty heavily subtitled. I’m usually cool with that, but for some reason today it put me right to sleep.

We also saw ‘The Social Network” tonight which is the newest Aaron Sorkin movie, and its about Facebook. Of course, it was awesome. It makes me want to read all about how Facebook came to be because this was just one side of things. I remember when I first got my Facebook account back at FSU in 2004ish. When it was only college students, and you HAD to have an edu address. Now anyone can and does have an account. Even you, still. And 2 no less. Way to go mom. If only you could update your status from where ever you are. That would be AWESOME. Or perhaps creepy. It’s really a toss up.

I’m starting to have dreams that I remember, which is unusual for me. They also are some how about you, or you are definitely a missing component of them. The first dream was a couple nights ago. I was in NYC in my apartment, Carly was here, and Dad was somewhere near by. Someone (I have no idea who) told me that you and Dad were getting a divorce; this didn’t come to a shock to me though. They then proceeded to tell me that you had been laid off from your job in the last week, which really upset me because you hadn’t told me yourself yet. Then this person went on to tell me that you had been in a car accident on your way home from getting laid off and you had lost the baby (apparently you were pregnant). All I wanted to do after hearing this was call you on the phone, but I couldn’t. It’s hazy to me if the reason I couldn’t talk to you was because we weren’t speaking to each other and that was why I was getting this information second hand, or if it literally was just not possible for some other reason. Whatever it was, I just know that I wasn’t allowed to talk to you on the phone and I was incredibly upset about that. Well, it doesn’t take a PhD to figure out the root of that dream I’m sure. I’ve been pretty vocal about how I’m upset that I can no longer talk to you on the phone and how that’s just the most ridiculous thing on the planet. It’s just that it was the first dream I’ve had in a while that I remember.

The other dream is a bit more random and I had it last night. Carly is in it again, and we are at Rab’s house. It’s Sunday, and Dad and Kahni have just showed up. Carly and I are getting ready to head back to the city and we have to be back by 1pm because I have a zip car and that is when it’s due back. Dad and Kahni are REALLY upset about that, and keep asking me ‘what are we supposed to do for the rest of the day’ and ‘can’t I just extend the rental, its only money’. I tell them that just because I have to be back at 1pm it doesn’t mean I have plans for the rest of the day, and they can come hang out with me in the city but that I have to go. Because if I don’t have the car back at 1 I will get charged a rather large fine. They don’t care and are annoyed. That’s the entire dream. No resolution, no ending, nothing.  That one I’m a bit more perplexed by. I’m sure its somehow related to you, and how we had no ending, and no resolution, and just a random last conversation, which I was drunk for. Or it could be something completely different that I am clueless about. I should Google dreams. Maybe tomorrow at work.

So yeah – nothing SUPER exciting has been keeping me busy, but I’ve been pleasantly busy nonetheless. Hopefully my busyness becomes exciting. I’m going to see Kalel on Thursday so that in itself will be amazing. Matt, Lauren, and Dad will be there too – which is also exciting. But Kalel might be at the front of the excitingness.

It’s late and I have work tomorrow so I’m going to sign off.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

The words that you said

They still ring in my head

Don't you know

We say goodbye

With a tear in our eye

Oh, where'd you go

It's alright you can sleep tonight

Knowing you'll always live on in a song

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

Will you be the same when we see you again

Remember the days

When we'd laugh as you played

Who would have known

The water would come and just take you away

Oh, where'd you go

It's not alright

I can't sleep tonight

Knowing you should have played on

On and on

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

Will you forgive me when I see you again

You had a good time

Drinking all of our wine

After the show

We all rode the wave

Of that crazy parade

Oh, where'd you go

What happened to

The ones we knew

As long as I'm the shiniest star

Oh, there you are

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

We'll still be here when you come round again