Silent All These Years

Hi –

I’ve been silent lately. Not in life, or in my head, or in my heart. Just on here. Sorry about that. It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I could talk to you for the rest of my life and never run out of things to say.  I guess I just haven’t been in the right place to sit down and put it all down. I talk to you all day in my head – do you here me then?

I wonder if my lack of voice here is sign of where I am with my denial and detachment. Am I burying myself deeper down into it, or have I found a way to get my head above the water? Probably the former, if the tears clouding my vision are any inclination.

Today was the one-year anniversary of when Nona passed away. Are you two somewhere hanging out, drinking wine? I think I’ve reached this point of unbelievable selfishness in my life. Kahni mentioned it to me on Tuesday and it completely slipped my mind until well into the evening today.  I’m constantly fearful I’m not being the friend to Sara that I should be and want to be in my heart. Sometimes I just can’t see past my own nose. It’s awful. I even managed to forget Matthew’s birthday. I’m a winner for sure.

I have found myself doing this really really awful thing lately. I’m measuring people’s grief and comparing it to my own. It’s awful. Quite possibly one of the worst things I could do. The first thing you learn about grief is that no two peoples are the same. Even when it’s for the same person. And yet, when I hear that someone; who has lived a long, healthy, wonderful life, and were given the opportunity to live out all their possibilities dies; I harden inside. There’s a small part of me that thinks - you have no idea. You can’t possibly. It’s really quite horrible of me.

Kahni made a really important point to me the other day that no matter the age of the woman when she dies, she’s still someone’s mommy. I try to remember that. Hold onto it.

It’s just not fair.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Don't you dare look out your window darling


Everything's on fire


The war outside our door keeps raging on…”

Constants are just that, constant. unyielding. meant to be repeated forever

Hi –

Nothing new to report around here. The Hanamus tree is up and it looks pretty damn good if I do say so myself.  I’m heading to Rab’s on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. I’m really looking forward to it. It’s been a pretty big constant in my life for the last 5 or so years. It will be nice to do it again. Plus I could really use some Rab love, especially a hug.

Since I have nothing really new and overly interesting to say these days, I figured I would let someone else do it. Carly gave me this quote a while ago and I had tucked it away for safe keeping, and I stumbled upon it today.

"Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day numbness, silence...The more often I cried in my room...and felt just generally wretched, the more often I started to have occasional moments of utter joy, of feeling aware of each moment shining for its own momentous sake. I am no longer convinced that you're supposed to get over the death of certain people, but little by little, pale and swollen around the eyes I began to feel a sense of reception, that I was beginning to receive the fact of [the death,] the finality. I let it enter me.

I was terribly erratic: feeling so holy and serene some moments that I was sure I was going to end up dating the Dalai Lama. Then the grief and craziness would hit again, and I would be in Broken Mind, back in the howl.

The depth of the feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it, like a nicotine craving, I would discover that it hadn't washed me away. After a while it was like an inside shower, washing off some of the rust and calcification in my pipes. It was like giving a dry garden a good watering. Don't get me wrong: grief sucks; it really does.

Unfortunately, though, avoiding it robs us of life, of the now, of a sense of living spirit. Mostly I have tried to avoid it by staying very busy, working too hard, trying to achieve as much as possible. You can often avoid the pain by trying to fix other people; shopping helps in a pinch, as does romantic obsession. Martyrdom can't be beat... I've found that a stack of magazines can be numbing and even mood altering. But the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you.. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you are lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination...'There are cracks, cracks, in everything, that's how the light gets in.' "

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Lost in something thats for sure...

Hi –

Reverie – noun. A state of being pleasantly lost in one’s thoughts; a daydream.

Pleasant is not the word I would use, but definitely lost in ones thoughts explains my life as of yet.

I think I might be ready to give this therapy thing a chance again. New year, new city, no dr. lee, anything is possible. My moods are swinging hard and fast in varying directions. That is never a good sign. So yeah – maybe I give this another chance.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

One is silver, and the other is gold.

Hola Mamasita,

I talk to you a lot in the car; well talk is a strong word. I think in my head as if I’m talking to you. Do you hear me? I think that’s why I’m not writing as much, because I’m spending all this time in the car now thinking my thoughts through. Where as when I was living in NYC I didn’t really have these huge chunks of time to myself.

I’ve been listening to ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ in the car. It’s a true story written by Joan Didion, about how her husband died almost instantly from a massive heart attack and the year that follows. I definitely relate to a lot of the things she says. There are some things that I have already realized about myself and when she says them I know for sure they are true. And then there are other things that I don’t even recognize about myself until I hear her describe it. 

At one point she talks about how the anger stage is actually broken into 3 sections, with the difference being who the anger is directed at. She says that at first people are angry with themselves, which I was. I was so angry that I was left. That I was surviving, and that this didn’t destroy me. That I some how handled it. Then she says you stop being angry with yourself and start being angry with the person who died. I’m not sure I was ever really angry with you per say. You didn’t chose this, and I believe with all my heart that you would have done anything you could do to have prevented it if you knew what was going to happen. Then finally you direct your anger to other survivors. Gotta say – that’s about where I’m at. There are times I have so much anger inside of me that is unresolved, and misplaced, and unhealthy, and everything else that anger is that I could probably start screaming and never stop. But that’s not hard to believe, I always did flare up rather easily.

On the other side of the token though everything else in my life right now is going really well. So that’s something. Professionally speaking this was the best move I could have made. I hope you can see that. I hope you can see that I’m doing really well. That I’m working harder than I ever have, and I hope you’re proud of me. That comes from you, you know.

Personally I’m getting there. I think the moments when I find myself losing it are important moments to go through. I think I’m surrounding myself with the right people, and I hope you can see that too. You always said it was better to have a few really close friends, than a lot of not so close friends.

And on that note, I’m off to bed. I had a lovely evening out with some friends for a birthday and now I’m pretty excited about not having to wake up in the AM until I’m good a ready.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well so here I am at the end of the road

Where do I go from here?

I always figured it would be like this

Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled

But I just can't decide where to go

Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep

But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how to start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head

And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes

I see the way that I’ve been spendin' my days

And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today

And it sure was a grand waste of time

And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face

I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard”

I know this to be true...

Hola –

Seems like it’s been way longer than just a week since I last wrote. It was Kahni’s birthday, I had dinner with Jodie, and I went to Savannah. It’s been quite a week.

Savannah was a lot of fun. I was really skeptical about going back there in general, but a beerfest seemed like as good a reason as any – it would have been good enough for you.

When we first got there Friday night we drove right by the mansion and I got choked up. I wasn’t expecting it, and I wasn’t paying any attention. One minute I was telling Meridith it was time to turn, and the next we were driving right in front of it. It caught me off guard, and cry I did. Luckily though with in a matter of seconds we pulled up to Pipers studio and on I went – and apparently so has the city. Piper said that the vegetable/fruit stand we went to and had those amazing tomato sandwiches is closed, and that the BBQ place has changed owners.

I put a lot into perspective this weekend too I think. I had a lot of time to think; 4 hours each way will do that to a person. Combine that with the hour I drive every day, and all I ever do is think. My mind is a constant stream of memories, what ifs, conversations, wishes, hopes, dreams, everything.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m to strong for my own good. If the wall I put up the day after is too high and too thick to ever come down. Or if I’m really ok, and there is no wall. If I really did grieve in a way that was exactly what I needed. And the lack of tears is just playing with my mind.

In a conversation I was having the other day I had a revelation of sorts. It’s not that I’m not facing the grief, or sadness, or absolute despair I feel. What it is though is that I’ve acknowledged it is not something that is going to change. You are not coming back – this is the one fundamental truth of my life from here on out. I’ve chosen to pick this up and carry it with me. It’s always going to be there. There’s no getting rid of it. So, instead of losing myself in it I’ve chosen to carry it with me and move along side of it. Whether I’ve truly accepted it or not is a completely different story, I’ve acknowledged its existence but I don’t necessarily believe it to be true. Does that even make sense?

Well if not, lets chalk it up to a long day and ill try again to explain another day. Or chalk it up to me being me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…Well I've been thinking about
All these pills I'm taking

I wash ‘em down with an ice-cold beer
And the love I ain't been making

Oh I feel like I'm burning up
With words I ain't been saying

And all these pills I'm taking…”

Last thoughts from high on a cloud…for a while anyway

Hi Lady –

I’m back on a plane at the moment. It’s my last for a while, that I know of anyway. The next flight I’m planning is for Matt’s wedding, but who knows where the next 3 months will take me. I plan on getting my passport renewed, so once that’s done the world is once again my oyster.

The past week has been insane. Literally. I had my last day at WB. It was definitely one of the more surreal moments in my life to date. It’s been my only job until now. It’s been my home for 5 years. Everyday I walked off the elevator, I knew what to expect; for the most part anyway. I knew Ila would be there, Elissa, Nevin, etc. I got a little teary eyed saying goodbye, I’m not going to lie about that. I also had my first thoughts of, ‘Oh my god! Did I do the right thing.’ They had to come sooner or later though, right. I guess it would have been really weird if I never had them. But I know I’m doing the right thing. Somewhere.

That night after saying goodbye Todd and Ila took me to a delicious last meal in NYC. Then I spent one more night on their couch before Sara came and got me and we went out to Jersey. I spent my last night in the NYC area at Rab’s house, which was important for me to do. That was the place I wanted to leave from. The last memories I wanted to have of living in the city.

The reason Sara came to get me was because we drove to Ohio for Shayan and Seema’s wedding, and it was amazing. Everyone at least once in his or her life should go to a full on Indian wedding. We 100% did dance in the streets, we had police escorts, and were lead by an SUV that had a sound system blaring music for us. The customary white horse that Shayan was supposed to arrive on was replaced by Seema’s Dads 1977 corvette, not a bad trade. I ate my face off, and then kept eating. Then I watched both of their families perform choreographed dances, 2 of them. It was epic. Again, totally recommend it.

I managed to listen to my first book on tape during our drive; you should be excited about that. I’m sure the fact that it was Tina Fey’s book “Bossypants” and she’s the reader had more to do with it, than me suddenly becoming a lover of books on tape. The book is amazing though. I’m now fully convinced that I want to be Tina Fey when I grow up, and I also want Sara to be her as well so that I can be best friends with myself, because she’s that awesome, and the book was that funny. I literally laughed my way across I-80 west.

Your birthday came and went. Did you do anything for it where you are? I hope so. I imagined you drinking the day away with Rue McClanahan and Dixie Carter. I know I would enjoy that myself. I celebrated your birthday by watching Prince William and Kate get married. I was oddly interested in it. Besides the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, there was something about it. She looked beautiful, and together they looked relaxed, it was just nice to watch. Plus because I really am a girl, I of course had to see her dress when she first stepped out of the car.

I went to Target with Sara at one point and she was shopping for her Mothers Day card. I thought I would be really upset about the whole thing, but at the moment I’m not. I was looking for a card for grandma and I read one where the sentiment was that the grandma in the card liked her grandkids better than her actual kid, and the grandkid says, ‘don’t worry I won’t tell you know who.’ Meaning the mom or dad of the kid. I thought to myself, hmm that would be a really shitty card to get, and just kept looking, totally un-phased. I wonder if it’s because I’ve psyched myself up to be upset, that now I can’t actually get upset. I read somewhere that the anticipation of something is always worse that the reality of it. I also think I might be a little hardened inside. Maybe hardened isn’t the right way to say it, lets try that I’ve become cold. I know the right things to say in sad situations, and I say them, but there’s rarely feeling behind them. I would imagine its because I can’t get past my own sad situation that no one else compares. Not that I should be comparing situations. Grief is different for every person, and should never be compared. See – there I go. Totally know the right things to say, but I don’t believe them at all. If in some twisted moment I was playing a game of lets compare grief, I think I should win.

The plane I’m on right now is taking me to Fort Lauderdale where I will spend 2 days before driving to Orlando for good. Pretty exciting I think. My 2 days in Fort Lauderdale are going to be pretty exciting too. Ila will be down so I’m going to take her to crickets for a sandwich. I’m going to step foot into a Catholic Church to get some form filled out for Matt so he can get married to Lauren. I might even go through some of my stuff at the house and take it up to Orlando. That would make Dad really happy.

Oh also, I got my first speeding ticket, awesome huh? And in Ohio, so of course I have to pay it instead of fight it because unfortunately I’m unable to attend my court date on May 16^th. The really awesome part about the whole thing is that the ticket is for going 80 in a 70. I know I’m a total speed demon. What was I thinking?

I’m going to attempt to sleep for the last hour of my flight. I think now that I’m getting back into being in one place, and having a routine I’ll be writing more again. It was just my crazy schedule the last few weeks. I haven’t slept in the same bed for longer than 2 days for over a week now. Good thing I’m such an excellent sleeper.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes bolder, children get older

I'm getting older too, well…”

Really?? Vraiment?? Realmente?? Wirklich??

Hi –

I feel like every time I sit down to write all that comes out is how amazed I am that this is where my life is right now, and how I don’t get it. But it’s the complete truth. I just don’t understand.

I had a conversation today with Dad about paying my own cell phone bill, and how it was the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard. Yes I’m 26 and have a job, but you paid my cell phone bill. Because you knew otherwise I would have a text only phone or something equally as ridiculous. But you’re not here anymore, so I guess logically that means I should pay for my phone, but see that doesn’t compute in my head. I keep coming back to – what do you mean your not here anymore?

I guess up until today I was pretty much able to deny the entire thing had ever happened. Granted I went to your funeral, and did that whole song and dance, but honestly my day-to-day life had not been changed besides talking to you on the phone. If you can believe it, this is the first outward sign that you’re gone. How insane is that? The fact that I have to pay for my own cell phone bill is what is making me realize everything. And let me tell you I’m pissed. I feel pretty belligerent about the whole thing. What do you mean I have to pay for my own cell phone, that’s just the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard, my mom does that for me.

So now I’m sitting on the couch pouting about the whole thing. I realize I’m completely and utterly ridiculous.

So – for something less ridiculous a guest blog. From someone who whether she realizes it or not, does fix me.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Hey Sis- Well, here we are- you and I- us and the world. The world that has become so different in the almost two months since that day. That day filled with a lot of WHATS? And I don’t understands. I know this goes without saying but I have to say it because you know how I like to state the obvious when I’m not just making shit up- I love you and I am here with you. Not FOR you solely, but with you, because I need you just like I know you need me. Sometimes my heart hurts so much and it is hard to tell if I’m hurting for my own hurt or so you don’t have to.

I bought you a card. I have mixed feelings about sending it. One day I may send it. I figured, we buy each other cards for every other event in our lives… why not this one? Why are other people expected to send you a card but it is weird to come from your best friend? Well, it may not infact be weird. I just need to get over this feeling of “maybe sending a card means this is real." For the time being, I like visiting that island of denial that you Rab and Randi are habitating with the cabana boy.

In the seconds, minutes, days and months that have passed I have often thought of those things I will say to you that will make this disappear like if we were pouring a hot beverage into the mug that you so cleverly designed with the map from Harry Potter, the one Khani gave to all the Miller’s for Christmas that one year. I find a lot of things that seem pertinent in music, in the lines of our favorite television shows, some classic movies on netflix, and day to day life. I also always tell myself in those moments I should write them down so I can fill them into our daily conversations. I don’t- so don’t fear the cluster of emotional tidbits I could’ve potentially thrown your way. You are welcome. So while those things seem pertinent and relevant at the time as attempts at making our world better none have seemed more pertinent than Fix You by Coldplay. Yes, I know… sounds cheesy, cliché, etc and all those things I seek not to be.

Let me give you some background- remember that time I texted you that your mom had facebook messaged me about a shark knock joke? And you were like “no, maybe my dad thought it was Sarah Hooker” I thought that sounded odd because I’m pretty sure knows the difference between Hooker and Rosenthal. Well, you were so good in that moment… promptly calling your mom and getting it all sorted out. When in fact it was Dad on Mom’s account and knowingly sending me a message about the shark joke from back in the day when you all and Sarah Hooker would go to theme parks and wait in lines for rollercoasters. In the next day or two I got around to responding and I of course brought up in the response my mutual love with your parents of SYTYCD. Mom responded back to me with and how your dad and her hadn’t gotten around to watching all of the season but did catch the finale and she gave me her take on the fantastic dancing that occurred (we did not talk about Ellen, although I wish I had her opinion on that). Well, one thing led to another and BOY do I wish I had responded to her sooner/at all. I meant to before I went to visit you in New York, and then deadlines happened and so I put it off until I got back from our weekend o fun. Well then… that’s enough background.

So this song the first time I heard it was on SYTYCD. The routine is about a boy trying to fix his mom (quite literally the choreographer and his mom who had a big important surgery). While we know that most things make me cry like a baby… this especially did. Perhaps it’s the combination of fast movement by the dancers and the bridge of the song. Perhaps it’s the lyrics and the underlying truth of my nature that I wish I could fix the world of all the hurt, grossness and injustice, whatever it is--- it drove into my core so much that I can’t ever watch the dance again because it has instilled a cathartic reaction into my soul.

Well, as we both know I went to the SYTYCD Tour tonight. Thankfully I was not the oldest person there without a teenage children and high five to NOT having a teenage child at all. And well, it seems that routine touched many other as well that it was performed for me right in front of my face LIVE. I did all I could to muzzle myself and not explode into a blubbering mess, like we know I can. I diverted my eyes, I tried thinking about how I could beat that next level of angry birds without succumbing to the temptations of an Angry Bird video walkthrough. I was successful until that bridge part where the music picks up and its like a cluster eff of emotion with the dancers legs connecting and the girl character can stand on her own two feet again. But then the song goes back to reality and the girl is still in need of help and I am left with tears streaming down my face realizing how this pertains to now. I just want to fix you. And in the effort to fix you, it’ll fix me. I will be here as that light to guide you home, to ignite your bones and fix you. But in return you are my light that is guiding me home in order to fix me. Our friendship is built on heartstrings and these days when I feel mine tug I know yours are tugging at the other end. 

Love you

-----------------------------------

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I... 

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you