Things we carry...

Hey,

I’ve spent all day waiting to feel something. Whether it be bad, or sad, or empty, just something; and it never came. Sort of the same way I felt on your birthday. I think it speaks more to the place I’m in my life then anything else. I have no idea what I want on any scale – job, location, love, life – that adding you into the mix just makes me a bit disengaged if that makes any sense.

Someone told me to wish my mom a Happy Mothers Day today, and I didn’t correct them. I just let it go. It felt easier not to correct them. Not to go into it all. Not to bring that into the new relationship with the person.  Give myself more time to be a regular unscathed person. Not that who I am now is a bad thing, but it’s a thing. It’s a thing I carry. I’ll always carry. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m almost compelled to text them now and correct them, but that feels a bit on the crazy scale. I’ll wait for it to come up naturally.

It is interesting to think about that every new person I meet has no idea. Every person you meet comes with a blank slab of sorts. You assume everyone has a bit of baggage they carry around with them, but for those first 5 minutes or so everyone’s totally normal and unscathed. Then they ask what your parents do, it comes out, and there’s a look. There’s always a look. 

In the beginning there was a shock value of sorts in seeing the look on the other persons face. I almost got off on it in a sick way. Now, I just don’t want to see it. I think, I hope, it's because I’m evolving. Growing. Coming to terms I suspect. Who knows. I’ve sort of come to a place where I’ve stopped trying to figure it all out. Or just this anyway. I’ve been leaning into it and just going with the flow of things.

In the vein of just going with the flow, Happy Mothers Day! I’ll leave you with the memory of the Mothers Day where we met Herman for the first time. I was sitting at one of the folding tables with you, Sheila, and Joel. We were drinking mimosas and eating quiche. Herman walked by, and Joel says to us ‘Dead man walking’. We all almost fell out of our chairs laughing so hard. Grandma Henny did manage to outlive 3 men.

Love you always, Miss you forever.

Rachel

“Since I was a girl
Dreamed of a different life
Far away in the lights
But now I’m here
Staring into the face of the unknown

And who was I to think I could fool them
When I don’t even know who I am
What’s it gonna take to make me worthy
What’s it’s gonna take to make me strong
I don’t have much to give
I’ve only just begun to live

So how do I become somebody new
How do I begin to make this happen
How will I believe and see this through
When I feel so unready
And I feel so alone

Back on solid ground
My head is spinning round
My heart is in two different worlds
But I’m still here
Wondering where I fit into this madness

I thought when I was home I’d see clearly
But there’s so much I don’t understand
What’s it’s gonna take to lift the darkness
What’s it’s gonna take to light my way
I have so much to give
I’ve only just begun to live

So how do I begin my life anew
How do I begin to make this happen
How do I believe and see this through
Cause I feel like I’m ready
But I still feel unsure”

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone? Rosenthal? Oh Yes, over here. Been here all along.

Hi –

I’m currently sitting on the floor of my living room hitting refresh every minute or so on the Turbo Tax message board waiting for the ‘help’ I paid an additional $29.99 for to come to my rescue. I’m about 5 refreshes in, and still nothing. I guess this is what I get for being all high and mighty thinking I could do this myself. Damn you section B of my 1099-DIV!

Sorry for the radio silence that’s going on. I’ve been going nonstop for over 3 weeks now, with only a few hours here and there for taking a breath. Between getting ready for my business trip to London, going to London, going to Paris, going home for the weekend - its been a bit crazy in my head. Tonight is the first time in a long time when I’ve been home and not completely exhausted. Hence the taxes and all.

Damn you Turbo Tax. Now I need my 2010 taxes, ugh who has those things! Time to call Daddy. I guess it’s really Damn You New York City. Florida doesn’t pay income tax, so they don’t really want to reference my 2010 taxes now do they.

Anyway, moving on. Because things have been so crazy it really hasn’t left me with much time to write. I’m been in bed and asleep by 11 every night for weeks now. Which is really unheard of for me. I’m usually first turning on the sleep function on my TV for 90 minutes at midnight. It’s been a welcome change. Definitely makes 7am look a lot better.

I’m back in therapy. That’s something new and exciting to report. Her name is Dr. Passeri and she’s French. So if nothing else I can pretend I’m très chic. I have a really good therapy goal – to want to talk. I’ll let you know how it goes. I guess keeping a blog doesn’t qualify as ‘talking’ because technically I’ve done a lot of talking - if we’re counting it. She did make a really interesting analogy in our last session. We were talking about time healing, and I told her I didn’t think it did. To me more time just means more time with out you, and more things that have gone by that you have missed, more holidays without you, etc. Her comment back to me was that, yes time on its own does not necessarily heal. But think of a broken bone, if you do absolutely nothing about it of course it won’t heal. But if you go to the doctor, get your bone reset, and a cast – then in time it will heal. So if I were to start talking and open up, and be present and open with my feelings and work through them, then in time I too would heal.

I didn’t think of it at the time, but my response should have been that in the cold and the rain healed bones still hurt.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…What ravages of spirit

Conjured this temptuous rage,

Created you a monster,

Broken by the rule of love?

And fate has led you through it.

You do what you have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked

With apparitions of your soul.

I'm ever swiftly moving,

Trying to escape this desire,

The yearning to be near you.

I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

A glowing ember, burning hot,

And burning slow.

Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence

Of existing for only you.

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do.

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

But I don't know how to let you go.

I don't know how to let you go…”