Silent All These Years

Hi –

I’ve been silent lately. Not in life, or in my head, or in my heart. Just on here. Sorry about that. It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I could talk to you for the rest of my life and never run out of things to say.  I guess I just haven’t been in the right place to sit down and put it all down. I talk to you all day in my head – do you here me then?

I wonder if my lack of voice here is sign of where I am with my denial and detachment. Am I burying myself deeper down into it, or have I found a way to get my head above the water? Probably the former, if the tears clouding my vision are any inclination.

Today was the one-year anniversary of when Nona passed away. Are you two somewhere hanging out, drinking wine? I think I’ve reached this point of unbelievable selfishness in my life. Kahni mentioned it to me on Tuesday and it completely slipped my mind until well into the evening today.  I’m constantly fearful I’m not being the friend to Sara that I should be and want to be in my heart. Sometimes I just can’t see past my own nose. It’s awful. I even managed to forget Matthew’s birthday. I’m a winner for sure.

I have found myself doing this really really awful thing lately. I’m measuring people’s grief and comparing it to my own. It’s awful. Quite possibly one of the worst things I could do. The first thing you learn about grief is that no two peoples are the same. Even when it’s for the same person. And yet, when I hear that someone; who has lived a long, healthy, wonderful life, and were given the opportunity to live out all their possibilities dies; I harden inside. There’s a small part of me that thinks - you have no idea. You can’t possibly. It’s really quite horrible of me.

Kahni made a really important point to me the other day that no matter the age of the woman when she dies, she’s still someone’s mommy. I try to remember that. Hold onto it.

It’s just not fair.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Don't you dare look out your window darling


Everything's on fire


The war outside our door keeps raging on…”

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind...

Hey Yo,

Here I am, in for another year. 2012 has officially started, technically 6 days ago but who’s counting. As you know the Hanukah party has come and gone, so has Christmas, as well as the cruise.

The cruise was good. Very relaxing. It’s nice to get off the grid. I’d forgotten what it was like to not be connected at all times. To have faith that someone will meet you at the agreed upon time in the agreed upon location, with no way to check up on them.  Refreshing really. Plus the massage I had was one of the best ever, so that was pretty awesome.

There were a few times when I would take in the situation and realize that nothing about it would be any different if you were here.  It was weird really. Because outside of these few fleeting moments, I always feel like everything is different and if you were here nothing would be as it is today. But there were times playing Rummikub where it seemed as if you had just stepped away for a second and would play the next round.  Wonder if that puts me closer or farther away from acceptance.

On a different note I’ve been trying to decide if I believe in resolutions and the magic that New Years Day seems to hold. Obviously I believe that resolutions and New Years Day actually exist, but I’m not sure that I buy into the whole idea that on January 1^st your slate gets wiped clean and you can start over. Make of the New Year whatever you want and make of yourself whatever you want. I do believe that you can wake up one day and decide to change things, but I’m not entirely sure that is tied to the date January 1^st. Does that make sense? In my head it does, so that should count for something.

Either way, I keep my motto close to the surface ‘Be Present’. I pretty much suck at it, but I’m trying and hopefully I do better tomorrow than I did today.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…When I'm Down And Feeling Blue

I Close My Eyes So I Can Be With You…”

I think my name might be Virginia…

Hi –

The last few days and weeks have been quite interesting and eye opening. A few weeks back I decided that I wanted to get off lexapro. It’s been over 6 years since I first went on it and my life is in a completely differently place – maybe my coping mechanisms have improved. Well, definitely not. So while I’ve made it through the withdrawal symptoms finally, its blaringly obvious there was a reason I went on the meds to begin with, and the reasons, while they might be different now, are still reasons nonetheless. So back on it I go. Yippee! Once again as Meridith has pointed out, there is nothing about any of this that says I shouldn’t be in therapy.

So while I’ve accepted that I probably have to be on this stuff for quite some time, I’m not exactly thrilled about it. But as I promised myself in college, I never want to feel this way again. But here I am, completely out of control of every emotion I have, but with the awareness to know my reactions and emotions are out of place, but not able to stop them. It’s awful. Definitely don’t recommend it. Combine the crying and I’m a complete mess. It’s been awesome.

In the middle of all of this was the Hanukkah party. Some might say it was a success, and that they had a great time. I would beg to differ. Maybe last year I was in too much of a haze of some sort to really pay attention, but this year I felt like every time someone looked at me they saw you. Which granted is not a bad thing, but for some reason in this instance it really got to me - I was in your house, in your kitchen, throwing your party – I was you.

There I was in the middle of it all feeling completely alone and isolated. It was not fun. I have to think that you must have felt that way during the parties at least once. There you are in the kitchen washing the 17^th dish of the night alone, while everyone else is drinking and laughing and eating. At one point I looked around and was so angry, and swore I wasn’t going to do it again next year. I’m sure we will though. I’m sure that’s how it always went. At the end when you looked around the mess of a house and knew you had to clean it yourself you swore not again. Then September comes along and you don’t remember any of it, and you pick the date for the next party. I’m tried just thinking about it. What can you do though, certainly not be the one to break the tradition.

I just keep thinking about the massage I’m going to get while on the cruise. It’s getting me through. It’s really the little things.

Miss you forever, Love you always.

Rachel

“…And here she is again on the phone

Just like me hates to be alone

We just like to sit at home

And rip on the president

Meet Virginia, mmmm…

Well she wants to live her life

Then she thinks about her life

Pulls her hair back, as she screams

"I don't really wanna live this life"

She only drinks coffee at midnight

But the moment is not right

And the time is quite, unusual

You see her confidence is tragic

But her intuition magic

And the shape of her body, unusual

Meet Virginia, I can't wait to

Meet Virginia, yeah, yeah, hey, hey

Well, she wants to be the queen

Then she thinks about her scene

Well, she wants to live her life

Then she thinks about her life

Pulls her hair back as she screams

I don't really wanna be the queen, ah, ah

I don't really wanna live here…”

We are always what our situations hand us....

Hi –

Yesterday I had this thought that what if you died so that I would be forced to reach my full potential. It’s the same thought process about would I turn back the clock so none of this ever happened. You can’t. There would be no Kalel. I wouldn’t have been pushed to move to Orlando. I wouldn’t be where I am now; doing the things I’m doing now. Not to say that some of these things would have never happened, but they would be different. It’s the same train of thought of what would you do if you were here – well I’m pretty sure the situations I’m asking that question to I wouldn’t find myself in if you were here.

But what if you did? What if that was the point? What if that is the outcome? Are you happy with it? Am I reaching my potential?

It definitely doesn’t feel like it. Some days I might buy it. I love my job, my friends, and I think I’m on top of my game. Then other days I feel like I’m nowhere. I have no idea what I’m doing. I look at my life and I have no idea how I got to where I’m at or where I might be going. All I know is this isn’t what I pictured my life to look like.

Perhaps I’m just schizophrenic.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“They say that these are not the best of times

But they're the only times I've ever known

And I believe there is a time for meditation

In cathedrals of our own

Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lovers' eyes

I can only stand apart and sympathize

For we are always what our situations hand us

It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise

And realize that nothing's ever changed

For all our mutual experience

Our separate conclusions are the same

Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity

A reason coexists with our insanity

Though, we choose between reality and madness

It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies

Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies

And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives

With our respective similarities

It's either sadness or euphoria”

Hi –

Just ugh really…..

I miss you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Constants are just that, constant. unyielding. meant to be repeated forever

Hi –

Nothing new to report around here. The Hanamus tree is up and it looks pretty damn good if I do say so myself.  I’m heading to Rab’s on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. I’m really looking forward to it. It’s been a pretty big constant in my life for the last 5 or so years. It will be nice to do it again. Plus I could really use some Rab love, especially a hug.

Since I have nothing really new and overly interesting to say these days, I figured I would let someone else do it. Carly gave me this quote a while ago and I had tucked it away for safe keeping, and I stumbled upon it today.

"Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day numbness, silence...The more often I cried in my room...and felt just generally wretched, the more often I started to have occasional moments of utter joy, of feeling aware of each moment shining for its own momentous sake. I am no longer convinced that you're supposed to get over the death of certain people, but little by little, pale and swollen around the eyes I began to feel a sense of reception, that I was beginning to receive the fact of [the death,] the finality. I let it enter me.

I was terribly erratic: feeling so holy and serene some moments that I was sure I was going to end up dating the Dalai Lama. Then the grief and craziness would hit again, and I would be in Broken Mind, back in the howl.

The depth of the feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it, like a nicotine craving, I would discover that it hadn't washed me away. After a while it was like an inside shower, washing off some of the rust and calcification in my pipes. It was like giving a dry garden a good watering. Don't get me wrong: grief sucks; it really does.

Unfortunately, though, avoiding it robs us of life, of the now, of a sense of living spirit. Mostly I have tried to avoid it by staying very busy, working too hard, trying to achieve as much as possible. You can often avoid the pain by trying to fix other people; shopping helps in a pinch, as does romantic obsession. Martyrdom can't be beat... I've found that a stack of magazines can be numbing and even mood altering. But the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you.. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you are lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination...'There are cracks, cracks, in everything, that's how the light gets in.' "

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Another day, another dollar.....same stuff, different day

Hi –

I know it’s been a while.  It’s been the longest stretch of time that I haven’t written yet.

I was half doing an experiment on myself, and half trying to not write until I had something else to say besides how much I miss you.

The experiment part was to see if not writing would make me think about you any less, or process better. Neither happened.

And I never really found anything else to say.

I can tell you the things I learned from my weekend in NYC:

1. Blizzards can happen in October

2. New Yorkers make it difficult to get to New Jersey on purpose

3. You should be weary of little green pills

That last one was a lesson that came hard and fast. Basically even though I have been partaking in herbs for years and would not by any stretch consider myself a novice, bad trips can happen to anyone at any time. And man did it ever.

In between crying, shaking, and being a blubbering mess I did manage to have some crazy realizations. There was a 5-minute span between 6 and 7 when I realized you were gone. That was something for sure. The entire time I was having this moment all I could think was this was not the time or place to be having it. But alas there I was, on Nicks couch a complete mess. He was awesome about it though, so that’s something.

Also, the only other thing I could think about was how my car was parked at a satellite parking lot at the Orlando airport, and I just wanted to get back to it.  For some reason my thought process was that if I could get to the car everything would be ok.

How’s that for stable, well adjusted, and dealing?

So yeah – unfortunately nothing new to report from this front.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…You say it's easier

Alone and undisturbed

You said yes and danced before

And got your feelings hurt

You say most days your good

It's not so bad this room

Watching the rain today

Even though it's clear and sunny

And you fight it so hard

How to tell if it's real or not…”

Delayed thoughts from high on a cloud

Hello Gorgeous,

After multiple boarding attempts, some de-boarding, and some drinks at the bar I am currently on my way to NYC for the weekend. No real plan except to see Keenan and make sure he knows who Aunt Rachel is and where all those awesome clothes are coming from. Hang out with Ila and hear all about childbirth – amongst other things. See Elissa and Eva and again make sure she knows where those clothes are coming from as well. I fully intend to buy these children’s love and feel excellent about it. But yeah – weekend visit with no plans. LOVE IT!!! Should be less stressful and fool of some quality hangout time. Which after the past few weeks is much needed.

Things in my world are finally back to being non-soap operaie – hopefully for an extended period of time. I met Dad at an Applebee’s in Fort Pierce to switch cars and ‘talk’. I think it went well. I said things I needed to – and hopefully he did as well. I’ve been saying things to him lately that I feel I need to. I think its going well. There have been some tears, which are probably for the best – shows I’m expressing emotions properly I guess.  Who knows? In the words of the one and only Meridith, “there is nothing about this that says you don’t need to be in therapy.”

Meridith and I have also come to the conclusion that we SERIOUSLY need men in our lives. It’s getting bad. Only problem is I literally have no idea how to go about meeting one. I guess it’s my own fault for looking for a decent guy and not just Joe Schmoe from the bar. Him I could find. Too bad I don’t want him. I guess the problem is what if Joe Schmoe from the bar turns out to be a decent guy? How will I know? How will I know if he really loves me?  How will I know if he really cares?

And on that note I’m going to excuse myself to use the restroom because I had had quite a few beers and now have to pee. Sorry chick in the aisle seat.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Random memory…

Hi,

Remember when you and Dad drove me up to college and I cried the entire 6-hour plus car ride? Yeah that was awesome.

Dad was sitting in the backseat working, you drove, and we listened to Trisha the entire way. I just sat in the passenger seat singing along and crying.  Then we stayed at the downtown Doubletree for the night, and you and I went walking the streets looking for a gas station that sold cards so we could play Spite-and-Malice – which thinking back not sure why we ever thought that was a good idea.  But thankfully we found them, and were able to play a few games.

Anyway  - that memory popped in my head. I was watching ‘Modern Family’ and it was about the older daughter going away to college. Just made me think I guess.

Looking back - outside of the whole unstoppable crying and things, not a bad way to spend the night before going to college. Hanging with you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Dear Ndugu...

Hi,

I’ve decided that I’m going to take the child rearing approach to counting the time since you’ve been gone. Which makes today 14 months. Not a year and 2 months, but 14 months. I always think it’s interesting that until a kid is 2 years old you count the age by months. I don’t really get it – but I think its ok because I’m not a mom. I’m sure once I have a kid and I’m counting their age I’ll know why I tell people that he’s 18 months old and not a year and a half.

So yeah – 14 months. If we were in fact talking about a child’s development at 14 months I would mention how my kid was eating with his fingers, waving bye, and standing without any help. I mean I would just be praising my kid nonstop, because of course he would actually be ahead in his development and on the track for an 18 month milestone such as using a spoon and fork nicely and having the soft spot on his head closed up.

And I might have taken that too far. 

I guess we can see where my head is at the moment. I was just having a conversation with Sara about how I don’t understand how I go from where I am in my life right now to being an adult (because I believe myself to only be faking it) with a husband, and children and things. So I would very much like to ask you these questions. Amongst others.

In other news work is blowing up and I’m loving every minute of it. Work is one of the only places I feel in control of things. Keeping busy, not thinking about you, or dad, or life, really puts me in a much better place mentally. So that’s something.

Also, I’m pretty awesome at the game ‘Squeeze Its’ that Rosie played today on her new show. So I’ve got that going for me.

Sorry this was not at all interesting, but some of our conversations went that way – they can’t always be gems.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel