You better lose yourself in the music, the moment….

Hi,

Tonight I went to a performance of Loi’s and I was in awe of her the entire time. Not only did she get up in front of a crowd of half uninterested people and sing her heart out but she's found the courage and strength to do what she loves. She's so passionate about singing and song writing. You can see it on her face as she sings. She throws her head back with her eyes closed and just belts it out.  It's an inspiring thing to watch. She loses her self completely.

You know what I lose myself in? A 48-page document of testing standards and protocols. Trying to figure out what the legal levels of cadmium, lead, and phthalates are. Or how many times you can wash a kids shirt before it can fade and pill.

This is not how I pictured my life. Problem is I’ve lost the picture I once had. I’ve lost myself. I’m just lost.

Maybe I’m taking a time out and with you somewhere. Resting. I should probably tag myself back in soon, huh?

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose

I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose

But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move

And trust that the timing is right

Yes and hold it up to the light…”

Threshold Moments

Hi –

Whelp, something’s a brewing.

So, I think I’ve been going about this life thing a little wrong. I don’t exactly have a plan. Like a loosely based this is how I want my life to play out plan. I have a ‘one day I’d like to have a job I like to go to, a family I like to come home too, in a house I like’ type of plan.  But this extremely loosely based plan of mine does not involve a specific job, or even a specific field of interest. It doesn’t lie out which city I would like to live in, or what I want this man of mine to look like. It’s pretty much a 3-sentence outline on a blank piece of paper.  And it scares the shit out of me.

The news of the day, week, and month right now is that Meridith is headed for an adventure. The best kind. One she’s wanted for a long time, and will be amazing at. It will be filled with different cities, different people, different languages, but magic too. Disney magic no less, so the best kind. So yes, she’s off on an adventure.

We were at dinner the other night, a whole slew of us, and the idea of ‘Threshold Moments’ was brought up. That Meridith is at the edge of one. That in turn I’m at the edge of one as well. I’m at a place where I can write the next sentence of my outline. I can decide if this is the city for me. Or if it’s a different one. I can decide if this is the job, or not. Or if I should even be in this field or not.

Stopping and trying to figure all this stuff out is actually harder then living whatever this half-existence I’m currently living is. The one I didn’t outwardly chose but somehow happened to me.  The one I’m desperately trying to right.

The other interesting thing that happened at dinner was I looked around the table and realized that the handful of us share a lot of the same ‘Threshold Moments.’  The good ones and the bad ones, and the ones we didn’t see coming till they were behind us. That’s what makes a family a family, ‘Threshold Moments.’

Quite possibly the biggest ‘Threshold Moment’ is you being gone. I think I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with that life altering, gut wrenching, punch me in the stomach and I can’t get up ‘Threshold Moment’. 2 plus years later maybe I’ll finally figure it out. Wish me luck!

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Bunheads

Hi –

There’s this show on TV and I wish you were here to watch it with me. You would love it as much as I do. It’s by the same people who did Gilmore Girls. Sutton Foster is in it, and Emily Gilmore. Who is of course the original ‘At the Ballet’ from A Chorus Line.  I missed The Kennedy Center Honors this past year. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting the Golden Globes this Sunday. There are so many little things happening you would have loved. Big things too. Just things.

Miss you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel 

Because you’ve gotta eat….

Hi,

God. I just miss you. That's all. I. Just. Miss. You. I'll be in my head, driving along, thinking about what to eat for dinner and the song changes and the key is just perfect that I run smack into the wall. And it's crippling. And I start to tear up and I realize. Fuck. You're gone. Just gone.

Then in a flash it's gone. I've convinced myself that giving into that dark place where all I see is blackness is not ok. So I suck the tears back into my head. Check the mail. And the climb the stairs to my apartment. Because its time for dinner.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

Hi Crutch.

Heyo –

Definition time:

Crutch n.

1. A staff or support used by the physically injured or disabled as an aid in walking usually designed to fit under the armpit and often used in pairs.

2. A forked leg rests on a sidesaddle.

3. A device used for assistance or support; a prop: a mnemonic crutch.

4. The crotch of a person or an animal.

5. A forked device or part.

Hmmmm….not sure that was what was meant. Seeing as how I haven’t broken or injured myself physically recently.

Lets try this one:

Emotional Crutch n.

Something that provides help and support and which you depend on, often too much

That sounds better. Lets use it in a sentence, ‘Some people feel that writing to you, here on this blog, is a crutch.’

Well, the sentence makes sense. But doesn’t really apply to me. Especially seeing as how it’s been a rather long time since I last wrote. Not because I haven’t had anything to say. But because I talk to you while I’m driving now. Wonder what that means. Is the time I spend alone in my car going back and forth to work my crutch now?

I could go in circles on this. Luckily I’m tired and it was a pretty crazy day. Just wanted to pop in a say Hi. Crutch. So, Hi!

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Birthday Blues Party of 1

Hi –

Remember me, it’s your long lost daughter. I’ve been quiet for quite some time now. Birthday Blues are bringing me out of hiding. In less then 48 hours I shall turn 28. I think I’m dreading 28 the way that most people dread 30 or even 40.  I can’t really explain why I’m dreading it, but I just am.

I’ve somehow managed to put all this pressure on myself that things should happen to me in the coming year. That at 28 things should be different, feel different. That I will somehow magically feel like an adult. Be an adult. Do adult things. What those adult things are, or what being an adult really means I have no idea. But here I am putting pressure on myself.

When in actual reality I will wake up on June 28^th and everything will be exactly the same.  Exactly. Then before I know it 6 months will have passed, my life will look exactly the same, and nothing will have changed. Nothing will feel different. I wont feel any closer to being an adult. I won't feel any closer to figuring out my life. But yet, I will have lived 6 more months in some sort of haze waiting to feel something.

I do feel this weird cyclical nature to my life at the moment though. I’m currently sitting on the couch watching Bunheads a new TV show by Amy Sherman-Palladino, the creator of Gilmore Girls. While also being super excited about Aaron Sorkin’s new TV show Newsroom. Just yesterday I was watching Gilmore Girls and excited about Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.  Here’s hoping Newsroom lasts longer then Studio 60, because I still haven’t gotten over that heart break.

I digress. So yeah – Wednesday, my birthday. 28. An even number. A multiple of 2 and 14. 4 and 7.

That’s all I got. My birthday. Wednesday. Dreading it.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…You're a fraud and you know it

But it's too good to throw it all away

Anyone would do the same

You've got 'em going

And you're careful not to show it

Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit

It's like magic

But it's always been a smoke and mirrors game

Anyone would do the same…”

Happy Birthday Mom

Hi –

It’s been a while. I figured now’s as good a time as any really. Happy Birthday!

I think I spent the day in a pretty respectable fashion. Went to a Gospel Drag Show Brunch that included stripping and booby-tassels. Can’t go wrong there. Ran a bunch of errands with Meridith. Went to Publix. Made dinner. Then spent the rest of the night doing work things I had been putting off. For all intents and purposes I could have been you on a Sunday not all that long ago.  Probably minus the booby-tassels, but who knows.

Randi once told me a story how it took her 3 years and a rainy car ride for her to really accept that her dad was gone. For me I think it’s a long day at work, leaving me completely exhausted, and a long car ride home. Lately I’ve been getting in the car after work and using all my strength to drive home. But in those moments of complete exhaustion I find myself fixated on the thought that you might really be gone. It takes every ounce of will power I have left to swallow the tears that try to spill over my eyes and keep driving.  Sometimes I think how nice it would be to give into those tears. But paralyzed with the fear that once I start crying ill never stop. I swallow the tears and continue my drive home.  It’s a really healthy cycle I’ve got going.

So here we are 2 birthdays have passed and if I close my eyes – I can put myself back in the pool at the Mansion on Forsyth annoyed that the waiter is taking so long with our drinks and wondering how exactly you managed to burn your back during a hot stone massage. I’m scared there might be a day when I can no longer recall that memory and that weekend. They are my last.

With 20 minutes left of your birthday I’m going to get in my bed and watch some Star Trek and remember when I was younger and we watched it together – all 4 of us.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…When times are hard I forget you’re gone

I go to call you before it dawns on me

That you wont be there now…”

Here I am, living the dream!

Yo yo yo –

Just sitting here watching some Oprah – ya know the usual!

Seriously though, I’m watching Oprah. Because she just can’t stay away from my TV! I’m actually watching her show on OWN ‘The Next Chapter’ – and her interview with Bobbi Kristina and Whitney Houston’s family - its interesting.

During the portion with Bobbi Kristina there was a part I could relate too. Oprah asked her if she ever thought this would happen. Bobbi Kristina said no. She never expected her to die, or ever thought she would. Of course not. I NEVER would have thought this would have happened to you either. If anyone had ever asked me I probably would have told them you were immortal because I’m pretty sure that’s what I believed. If they had asked me about Dad, my answer would have been different. But I’m sure everyone’s would have.  For as long as I can remember, there was a part of me that always knew that one-day Daddy would die, but never you.

After Bobbi Kristina said she never expected it, she went on to say that even though she never expected it Whitney had unknowingly prepared her for it making her the strong independent woman she was. Which is 100% true about me and you. I never expected this, or even thought of this day, but yet here I am living through it. And that’s because you made me this strong. I’m your spitting image in strength and determination.  Thank you, I guess. Although, if given the choice I’d want to be less strong and have you back.

In other news I finished my taxes. Not sure what that makes me, but here I am sitting on my couch being that person. I owe Turbo Tax a big thank you, and Kahni for answering my nagging question of in what state do I collect interest. Seems easy enough right – I live in Florida so I collect taxes in Florida. I was nervous though the government can be tricky. Amerprise’s address is in MN; I didn’t want to answer wrong. And now I'm rambling.

But good news both Federal and NY State were accepted.  I will make it another year as a tax-paying citizen. Go me! And now, I’ve managed to talk about the only 2 certain things in life - Death and Taxes.

On that note I’m going to fold my laundry and watch some Star Trek. I really live a riveting, earth shattering life these days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…I didn’t know my own strength…”

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone? Rosenthal? Oh Yes, over here. Been here all along.

Hi –

I’m currently sitting on the floor of my living room hitting refresh every minute or so on the Turbo Tax message board waiting for the ‘help’ I paid an additional $29.99 for to come to my rescue. I’m about 5 refreshes in, and still nothing. I guess this is what I get for being all high and mighty thinking I could do this myself. Damn you section B of my 1099-DIV!

Sorry for the radio silence that’s going on. I’ve been going nonstop for over 3 weeks now, with only a few hours here and there for taking a breath. Between getting ready for my business trip to London, going to London, going to Paris, going home for the weekend - its been a bit crazy in my head. Tonight is the first time in a long time when I’ve been home and not completely exhausted. Hence the taxes and all.

Damn you Turbo Tax. Now I need my 2010 taxes, ugh who has those things! Time to call Daddy. I guess it’s really Damn You New York City. Florida doesn’t pay income tax, so they don’t really want to reference my 2010 taxes now do they.

Anyway, moving on. Because things have been so crazy it really hasn’t left me with much time to write. I’m been in bed and asleep by 11 every night for weeks now. Which is really unheard of for me. I’m usually first turning on the sleep function on my TV for 90 minutes at midnight. It’s been a welcome change. Definitely makes 7am look a lot better.

I’m back in therapy. That’s something new and exciting to report. Her name is Dr. Passeri and she’s French. So if nothing else I can pretend I’m très chic. I have a really good therapy goal – to want to talk. I’ll let you know how it goes. I guess keeping a blog doesn’t qualify as ‘talking’ because technically I’ve done a lot of talking - if we’re counting it. She did make a really interesting analogy in our last session. We were talking about time healing, and I told her I didn’t think it did. To me more time just means more time with out you, and more things that have gone by that you have missed, more holidays without you, etc. Her comment back to me was that, yes time on its own does not necessarily heal. But think of a broken bone, if you do absolutely nothing about it of course it won’t heal. But if you go to the doctor, get your bone reset, and a cast – then in time it will heal. So if I were to start talking and open up, and be present and open with my feelings and work through them, then in time I too would heal.

I didn’t think of it at the time, but my response should have been that in the cold and the rain healed bones still hurt.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…What ravages of spirit

Conjured this temptuous rage,

Created you a monster,

Broken by the rule of love?

And fate has led you through it.

You do what you have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked

With apparitions of your soul.

I'm ever swiftly moving,

Trying to escape this desire,

The yearning to be near you.

I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

A glowing ember, burning hot,

And burning slow.

Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence

Of existing for only you.

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do.

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

But I don't know how to let you go.

I don't know how to let you go…”

Pity party for 1? Oh yes, over here.

Hi -

I Rachel Ann Rosenthal might be a workaholic. Or at least I think I might be. Is that what it means, when for the most part during the week work is the highlight? I can go all day being in a great mood, with not really a care in the world outside of what is going on in my little cube at work. For the most part I love every minute of it, and don’t mind going back the next day. But, something takes over during the drive home from work. Something in my head takes over while I'm sitting there alone for 30 plus minutes with nothing better to do than think. Lately I've been seeing myself down the road 10 years from now and I'm always alone. It scares me so much. My worst fear in life is that I will be alone. There I've said it. Or typed it at least.

I am though. I am terrified that I will wake up one day be 40 years old and alone. That there won't be someone lying next to me who I'm sharing my life with, the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. That I'll never know love. That my life will have past by unlived.

Of course I'll still have my friends and all that stuff. But the picture I keep seeing in my head is all of them married with kids, and then there's me - the forever-3rd wheel.

The super scary part is that I have no idea what to do about it. I’m not sure I'm ready for online dating. I went out downtown last weekend and for the most part there didn't seem to be too much for me there. What I really want is for someone to introduce me to someone else. Old school style. I gotta say I think being set up might be nice. There's something reassuring about knowing someone who knows the guy. They can vouch for him. Too bad the majority of my friends are married and hang out with other married people.

What's a girl to do?

What did you do? Why aren't you here to help me? Give me advice? Tell me the story of how you met Dad?

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel