Down the 'Rabbit Hole' I went. (Insert Spoiler warning)

Hi –

I saw 'Rabbit Hole' tonight with Elissa. I really liked it. I think there is a quiet truth to it. There are moments that will go by unnoticed to a lot, but it was those moments that I really connected with.

Nicole Kidman did a great job of fully embodying the character of someone who's grieving There was a general uneasiness that she conveyed perfectly. An uneasiness that I feel every day. Like you don't 100% trust yourself. You don't trust what your thinking or saying. And it's entirely possible you have already said the wrong thing.

I found myself saying, 'wow I did those exact same things.' I stared at walls for minutes or hours not remembering what I was doing before, or why I was in that spot. I did everything I could to keep moving; because I knew the moment I stopped it was all going to come apart. I also somehow stopped using the social graces I had been taught. When I was done, I was done. I could have been in the middle of a conversation about bringing peace in the Middle East, and if I felt like I was done I would have walked away. And I'm pretty sure I did those first few days and weeks. I know it was a good month before I made it through a full 8-hour workday. Arguing about Harry Potter seemed a bit trivial at the time.

There were parts of the movie that I just want to keep watching as well. Moments that I felt were taken right out of my head. There was the blow up between her and her husband, the one between her and her mother where she's angry that she keeps comparing the loss of her son to that of her brother, when they are clearly different. Then there was the moment in the basement where Nicole's character asks her mother, "does it ever go away." And with complete honesty; which most people are afraid to give; she says no. Her mother goes on to explain it is like carrying around a brick in your pocket. You forget about it, but every now and then you reach in to get your keys or something and surprise, it's still there. I haven't reached that point, but maybe one day.

Another really honest moment came from Aaron Eckhart's character where he talks about how sometimes he forgets that his son is gone. I forget all the time that you're gone. People don't understand how that's possible. But if you figure you've been a constant in my life for 26 years, it's pretty hard to turn that thought off. It's also incredibly difficult to get your brain to accept something so far fetched as you being gone.

At the end of the movie you can see Nicole's character begin to make her way out of the darkness, and I can't say I'm there yet. But I can only hope its coming for me. Her change comes after a breakdown and release. I haven't done that yet, so I'm thinking I've got some time to go. I've felt the beginning of a breakdown once or twice. But in my really awesome I'm stronger than this way, I've managed to push it down. Can't wait for the inevitable explosion that will be coming one day.

Anyway, I'm done rambling about the movie for the moment. I'm going to crawl into bed and fast-forward my way through the People's Choice Awards.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

"Baby I have been here before

I know this room; I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

Love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

"Down the rabbit hole", a metaphor for adventure into the unknown

Hi –

The Oprah from yesterday was really good. It was Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman talking about their various projects at the moment. Oprah saw an advanced screening of ‘Rabbit Hole’ and she said it was really good. I really want to see it, but I can tell it’s going to be a huge tearjerker. There is this one scene in the trailer where Nicole’s character is at grief counseling for losing her child and someone says ‘G-d just needed another angel.’ And Nicole’s response is ‘he’s G-d, why didn’t he just make one himself.’ And its totally right, why doesn’t he? Why do people use that for as a platitude for what just happened? It doesn’t work, believe me.

Oprah also said ‘Rabbit Hole’ was kind of funny and you know what death is sort of funny. It's the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened to me. You were a healthy woman, there's no reason for it.

You find yourself doing and saying things you normally wouldn't. And everyone let's you get away with it because your mom just died. It's weird. I never pushed it to see how far I could have taken it, but I'm sure it would have been far.

Then when you make a joke or laugh or act normal people think it's too soon, they might look at you in a different way. Any joke you say or make about the person people get appalled and don't know how to respond.  There has been more than one occasion where I just wanted to blurt out ‘my moms dead’ in the middle of a conversation. I’m sure that would have gone over well.

The things that were normal about your life no longer are. If you were the one in your friend group who was the one everyone could lean on or go to for advice it stops immediately. No one wants to burden you or add to your problems. Funny thing is you being dead isn’t a problem it's a fact of life and it's not changing. You being gone doesn't mean that all my personality traits are gone. I’m still the same person; just have some scars and battle wounds.

It's all just really strange and a little bit funny.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“I’ve grown tired of holding this pose


I feel more like a stranger each time I come home”