Sadness or Euphoria

Hi –

I had quite the fantastic day, if I do say so myself.

It started with some lovely conversation via text, and then things just kept falling into place all day.  Thanks for that. Since once again I'm choosing to believe that you are part of the reason things are coming together.

I sort of feel like I'm standing on the edge of something. I’m making a lot of big changes in my life in the next few months and they are starting now. Things feel different, like a tide is turning perhaps.

It could be because we are slowly approaching the 6-month mark, and with that comes some belief that I should be ‘better’ by now. Not a belief I technically have, but I think its one of those random landmarks that one doctor came up with somewhere, and every one bought in to. After 6 months you can start making decisions, and changing things, and you should feel better and less depressed – yada yada yada.

There might be something to it though I suppose. I mean these people do get paid a hell of a lot more to do their jobs than I get to do mine. I can say that I think the ground I'm standing on feels a little stronger lately. And that I’m beginning to trust in myself again. As always – who knows though? Is it because 6 months is magical? Or is it because I'm working through my death and dying stages and slowly progressing towards the allusive ‘acceptance?’

I have a feeling I won’t know until it’s too late.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullaby’s go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be”

I may never eat Buffalo Wings again, probably not though.

Hi –

I have to say – I’ve had a really good weekend. It was jam packed with activities, that were mostly unplanned, which for me is usually a little hard to do – but it was great. I slept a lot, ate a lot, hung out with Lizzie a lot, and laughed a lot. It was pretty remarkable if you ask me.

I’m all caught up on Weeds and that Nancy Botwin, she’s a genius. Got her self in seriously sticky situation there at the end, but that’s her. We’re besties obviously.

I went and saw Burlesque with Amanda today. I have to say it was way better than I was expecting. I was really going for the music numbers and not expecting more, but it was a decent movie. Besides who doesn’t love themselves some Cher. And James Brolin was in it – that was unexpected. Mr. Streisand himself.

There is a moment in the movie when it takes a sappy turn. Christina Aquilera characters mom died when she was 7. In this one scene she says ‘there’s not a day that goes by where something happens that I don’t want to run to tell her’ and it’s true. The longing might dissipate some, but I’ll always want to tell you things. Always.

For instance, I ate 25 buffalo chicken wings today. For no good reason besides Lizzie didn’t think I could. I definitely proved her wrong, and then some. It was definitely a difficult thing to do. I had a good pace going and wings 1-17 were easy enough; 18-22 were pretty difficult. I was starting to sweat and burp some. I could see things going either way. Then I got in this crazy zone and plowed through 23-25.  After it was all over though I wasn’t as full as I expected to be, but I definitely could have curled up at the table and napped a while. If the entire thing wasn’t gross enough, after I was done I had a surprising craving for ice cream.  I also felt really bad about myself; it was very similar to the feeling you get after going out on a drinking binge for an evening. I was proud that I could eat 25 wings, but at the same time a little grossed out with myself – that would be the one thing I’m talented at – eating.

I’ve found in the last few days that the whole you being gone thing is getting increasingly more unbelievable. I think its because time has continued to go on and you’re still gone so any possibility of this all being not true is slipping more and more away. I’ve come to realize that there are 2 levels of sorts to believing what happened. Intellectually I know its true. I know that you’re gone. But in my heart, in my gut, in the bottle of my soul I don’t quite get it.

I don’t think the 5 steps of death and dying are exactly what I’m talking about, because I’m not angry, I’m not bargaining with God, I'm not in complete denial about it. I’ve accepted it as a truth about my life, but I haven’t accepted it as a truth about myself yet.  Who knows.

I’m going to go now and attempt to somehow help my body digest the 25 chicken wings. Lizzie gave me some home remedy Italians have for aiding in digestion, I’m going to give that a go.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel