'A woman happily in love burns the souffle, a woman unhappily in love forgets to turn on the oven'

Hi –

I have this perfect memory of being on vacation and staying at an Embassy Suites with you, dad, and Sarah Hooker. It was one of those vacations where Matt didn’t come, so I got to take a friend instead. I’m not 100% sure where we were but I want to say it was when we did Sea World and Busch Gardens and ‘Baby shark, shark, shark’ came to be. Anyway, so I have this memory of all of us piled into the living room where we were staying in aka where Sarah and I were sleeping on a pull out couch, and you made us watch the remake of ‘Sabrina.’

I remember at the time being thoroughly confused why you were so pumped about the movie, and today I learned why. While the movie we watched was enjoyable enough, tonight I went and saw the original ‘Sabrina’ on the big screen, which was great. Side note, I love when people say “on the big screen”. Mainly because it’s only when referring to seeing old movies, because why would someone say I went and saw ‘Cowboys and Aliens’ on the big screen. Of course you did silly, how else would you have seen this brand new movie only out for a week. Perhaps I will start saying it to see people’s reactions. Anyway, back to the original story. After work I picked Carly up and we met up with Meridith in Winter Gardens, which is this cute little cobblestone street 2-block downtown area that has a really old theater that plays really old movies, hence the ‘Sabrina’ watching.

It was a lot of fun and I’m glad I went. It was this cute little old theater that has original movie theater seats that at first seem comfortable, but 20 minutes into it you realize it was all a lie and your butt is now numb. Where also the idea of - if you slope the floor people will be able to see from all seats still existed, and where I still can’t see if someone is in front of me. The theater didn’t get all the way pitch black, and there were little lights all over the ceiling that never went out. It was pretty magical if I do say so myself. Reminded me of the movie theater in NYC that Seema and I frequented.

The movie was pretty great though. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Especially when a thunderstorm started and the building was struck by lightening and the power went out. That was super awesome.

The other highlight of the evening came in the form of me making sure that Meridith drove Carly home so that I could spend the 30 minute drive listening to my book on tape. Yep you read that right. I made Meridith drive Carly home so that I could listen to ‘The Help’. I am in fact your daughter. I have not gotten to the point yet where I’m parked outside the house and listening. I’ll let you know when I get there. I’m sure it will be fairly soon. This is a pretty great book to date, and the readers are really good. On the other hand David Sedaris, not a good reader. I was previously listening to ‘Me Talk Pretty One Day’ and I had to stop. He is so monotone when he reads he was making me sleepy.

Speaking of being sleepy, I am. Off to bed I go now.

7 days till the year. That’s something I suppose.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

"...So I drive

And I think about my life

And wonder why that I slowly die inside..."

Post mortem anyone? – Part 2

Hi –

Picking up where I left off has me sleeping until 11 on Sunday and getting up in enough time to have a sideline seat as the luggage, wedding paraphernalia, and number of travelers were organized into 4 cars. It was entertaining enough I have to say. There were way more people than there should have been for the 4 cars. In the end it all worked out just fine, and we even stopped for some tasty burgers and one of the best chocolate shakes I have tasted. Some place called Gotts Roadside. It was like Shake Shack in NYC but the burgers were about twice as big, and the milkshake here wins hands down.

Sunday afternoon was spent watching Randi and Rab circle each other in the hotel room as they ‘relaxed’ and collected themselves. Rab managed to lay down for a bit and actually relax. Randi on the other hand – I have to imagine that what she was doing she considers relaxing and go with that. Either way it was interesting to witness.

Sunday evening was probably the best time I had by far I think. Randi, Rab, Dad, and myself drove out to Brian and Allison’s house in Oakland and met Jodie, Paula, Matt, Lauren, and Kalel there. We all just sat around in the living room hanging out. We ate some magical food, and then proceeded to laugh for a good 4 hours give or take. It was this perfect moment in time. Kalel was in a great mood and putting on quite the show – giggling and smiling. At one point the two of us screamed in unison for a good 5 minutes. That’s his new thing – screaming. So we just screamed together. It was amazing.

There were times that I looked around the room and wished with my whole heart that you were there. It wasn’t during the wedding that I had those feelings; it was in that moment. When all the excitement was over, the stress of the weekend was gone, and we were just hanging out.  I watched Rab and Randi interact together and with Kalel and thought to myself, and out loud really, this must have been what the early years of Matt and my childhood were like.  At one point I looked over and Dad was laughing away, in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. Same with Matt. These loud, whole body shaking, laughs. It was magical.

It was the perfect way to end the weekend. 

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…This is the time to remember

Cause it will not last forever.

These are the days to hold onto

Cause we won't although we'll want to.

This is the time, but time is gonna change.

I know we’ve got to move somehow,

But I don't want to lose you now.

Sometimes it's so easy to let a day slip on by

Without even seeing each other at all

But this is the time you'll turn back to and so will I

And those will be the days you can never recall…”

Post mortem anyone? – Part 1

Hi –

I survived the weekend with flying colors if I do say so myself, and I do. So go me.

Rehearsal was on Friday and while the drive was long, the place they chose really was beautiful and I can see why they were so set on it. I would have stayed up there all weekend, and done all the festivities in Napa. But as was my manta for the weekend, not my wedding.

Matt and Lauren did the Ketubah signing during the rehearsal so that was nice to witness. Judaism at work and all. I learned though that it’s the mother of the bride’s duty to be the keeper of the signed Ketubah. I can just add it to my ongoing list of things that won’t happen.

The rehearsal dinner was back at their house where they only have 1 bathroom and were expecting close to 70 people. The only logical conclusion was a bright blue porta potty front and center in front of the house. I think it really added something to the party personally. The party was fun though. Hung out mostly with Jodie and Jamie who were really my buddies all weekend. It was really nice. I’m so glad they were there. I was pretty stoned for the majority of the evening, which led to my explaining to Jamie how I didn’t ‘get’ jetlag. It was pretty awesome.

The highlight of the evening goes to Michael. Jamie, Jodie, and I were sitting in the kitchen, and Jamie had been filling up her Martini glass with beer from my glass that I was just sipping from for most of the night. The bar was outside in the back down some stairs where it was also freezing. Michael comes into the kitchen looking for a glass of regular Coke. He rummaged around the kitchen and found Diet Coke in the fridge, which would do he said. He pulled a glass down from the cabinet, and I gave him a funny look about it. He muttered to me while pointing at Jamie, “if she can drink beer out of a martini glass I can certainly drink diet coke out of a brandy snifter.” He then poured his diet coke and walked away. After he was gone Jodie turned to us and says, “you know what’s funny about this whole thing, that was a red wine glass.”

Next up was the Wedding Day - YAY! I woke up at 7:30 and hit the ground running. I managed to catch a small nap on the bus up to Napa. Well as much of a nap as one can get while sitting straight and not letting their head roll to either side. I had just had my hair did. I couldn’t ruin it.

The ceremony was perfect. I walked Kalel down the aisle and held him for .2 seconds before he started to fuss and then seamlessly passed him to the nanny’s in the front row. Then took him back .2 seconds before Matt and Lauren were announced husband and wife to walk him back up the aisle. Just the way I figured it would end up going.

My shoes lasted about 5 minutes into the cocktail party. That may or may not be a record.  Pretty sure all the bridesmaids had their shoes off or changed by the time the reception started.

There was a moment when the ceremony was over, cocktail party was through, and the reception was at a lull that I first got sad for the day. I figured it was going to come at some point but I was surprised how long it took. I figured it would be while watching Lauren take her family photo’s but I think because I was still worried about the ceremony it didn’t affect me at that moment. I’m sure when I look back through everything and see your missing mug I’ll get sad then too.

Luckily though I had built up a small stockpile of Valium so half a pill later I was in a much better mood and ready to party. And party I did.

I danced, I laughed, I danced again, I led the Hoorah, I wore a glow stick bracelet, and I danced some more. I have 2 signature moves and I strutted them all over the dance floor and back again. It was pretty awesome. I’d be curious to take a poll around the dance floor to see who thought I was serious about my moves, and who realized I was just being awesome. A personal favorite moment was when Diane led the entire dance floor in the electric slide, and it was not to the electric slide song.  It was awesome.

It was a great night and a great party. One you would have been very proud of. I don’t think there was a person there who had a bad time. The end of the evening was only made that much better by watching Matt spiral down into full on drunkenness. If you ask him none of this happened, but if you ask Randi, Rab, Jamie, Dad, or Me it 100% definitely happened. Matt was wandering the grounds with his tux shirt un-tucked, jacket tie and vest off, sleeves unbuttoned, and no shoes but socks on and in what can only be described as bellowing calling for Lauren. It was awesome. Him and I even managed to fit in a game of Egyptian Rat Screw when he was not wandering around. I won, he lost, and he then proceeded to be a very sore loser and storm off.  I thought it was the perfect way to end the evening personally.

Rest of the post mortem to come later.  I’m currently flying back to Orlando and I’m going to try to sleep a bit.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Post 200...interesting

Hi –

I’m on another plane headed back to SF. Matt and Laurens wedding is this weekend.  I feel like it should be called something in addition to wedding, because technically they are already married. But who cares. There will be booze, and food, and a party, so count me in for a good time.

My mantra for the weekend is ‘be present and accounted for, calm and collected, and go with the flow. Its not my wedding so just go with it.’

And in the words of Abbey Bartlett (aka Aaron Sorkin) ‘If wishing made it so’

We shall see.

Wish me luck. Be looking over my shoulder all weekend, and please don’t let me spill anything on my dress.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Oodles and oodles of quotes, oh my!

Hi –

All week I keep hearing the same e.e. cummings quote in my head, “Here is the deepest secret no one knows. Here is the root of the root... and the bud of the bud... and the sky of the sky of a tree called life...” It’s from the poem ‘I Carry Your Heart’ which I’ve always loved and had Skip read at your funeral. Only this one part is haunting me though.

I think its because I’m reaching the point where I’m almost ready to talk about my feelings. Maybe. I think anyway. I can feel them bubbling up. I think the biggest sign is that I’m having more bad days than good lately. More often than not I can’t shake the sadness.

I’m pretty scared though. I have a feeling once I finally open up, there will be ugly things that come out. Ugly and hurtful. So that should be a ton of fun. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written as much lately. I’m finding myself following the old adage, ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,’ so silence ensues.

Kahni gave me the following quote "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er the fraught heart and bids it mean." She must have known.

But so did good ole Stephen King…” "The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."”

So with all that, yeah there is a lot going on in my head.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in

my heart) I am never without it (anywhere

I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”

That's right, i'm quoting Whitney Houston.

Hola –

So its been a while – sorry about that. It was a crazy week at work to the point where when I got home I would then use my computer to do more work, and not at all fun things like writing to you. Imagine that, working from home.

Matt’s wedding is coming up, which I’m sure you know. I gotta say I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing. Not the marriage itself, I’m totally on board with that. It’s more the whole big wedding thing. There will be a notable absence, yours, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I think we did Hanukkah and Christmas so we should be able to do this too. But on the other hand this is a once in a lifetime thing, not an every year thing. Who knows though. I should probably ask Matt how’s he managing the entire thing. Maybe. But probably not. He’s got enough on his plate; I shouldn’t bring him my issues with his wedding. That’s probably a bit insensitive.

So yeah that’s what’s been going on. Work, Matt’s Wedding, The Miller Baby, Carly being more mobile, attempting more unpacking, the usual.

With that I’m going to head to bed. And of course by that I mean watching at least one episode of Bones, if not more than that.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…Each day, each day I play the role

Of someone always in control

But at night I come home and turn the key

There's nobody there, no one cares for me

What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams

Without someone to share it with

Tell me what does it mean? …”

Welcome Baby Blue Miller!

Hi –

At 12:19am Avery Rae Miller was born, weighing approximately 11 pounds and 1 ounce with a perfectly rounded head. Yeah you read that right, 11 pounds.  She scored an 8 than a 9 on her ABGAR. So she’s obviously going to be a genius, and on a day far in the future she will catch her first glimpse of Kalel where they will fall madly in love and continue to produce genius children. It’s written in the stars, or at least I just put it in the stars today. And I’m pretty sure Kahni has put it out there as well. And as the secret says, all you need to do it put something out into the world.

In other closely related news, I almost had what would have been a full on breakdown right there in the hallway of the hospital. Danny came down the hallway with Avery, where we were all crowded waiting for him, and stopped so he could present her to the world. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, god parents all oohed and ahhed over her. I bobbed and weaved my way in between to catch my own glimpse; I am after all much shorter than these people.  Kahni stepped up to Danny and kissed her head, which was full of hair, and I lost it. It was this beautiful moment and it was taken from us. We won’t get to have it, or you wont rather - seeing as how Meagan wasn’t present at that moment, but that’s not the point.

The point is that you’re gone, I’m here, and I’m nowhere closer to figuring out how I’m supposed to live the next 50 or so years without you.  Sometimes I’ll be driving down the road lost in my head thinking ‘how the hell.’ Honestly, how the hell does the universe expect me to go on. I seriously can’t picture the rest of my life because you were such a huge part of that picture. Instead of there being a whole in the picture I had, there isn’t one at all.

So yeah, I started to lose it and got pretty close actually. I didn’t want the moment to be about me at all though, so I tried to wipe the tears away before they were seen. I was incredibly unsuccessful at that though. There were a few attempts at hugs but I pulled away each time. They only make me cry more.

Hopefully I’ll be in a better place tomorrow. I need to get a closer look at that baby. I have to see up close how big an 11-pound baby looks.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Wonder if it will ever change.

Hi –

It’s been almost 11 months and everyday more than once I still think; ‘I should call you and tell you about this.’

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Rock on America!

Hi –

It occurred to me this weekend that I can no longer utter the plea ‘I want my Mommy.’ Well, I can utter it. I just wont get the desired outcome. There were a couple times when Carly was completely miserable and all she wanted was her Mommy. Because in those moments, no one is better.

Don’t get me wrong, if I was bleeding profusely from a giant gapping hole, or spending the night in the hospital the only person for the job is good ole Dad. But if I’ve got a serious cold or I’m feeling miserable nothing works better then a good curl up with you. There was that space between your neck and boob where my head fit perfectly and all was made better. You also heat up store bought chicken noodle soup like no one else, and made rice with cinnamon and sugar like a rock star.

So yeah, feeling a little down and out with that realization.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

PS – check out how many times I said ‘utter’. GO ME!

Some midnight musings...

Hi –

For some reason all I could think about today was how all I ever really wanted for my life was to grow up, be happy, get married, have some kids, and live a relatively normal boring life. Going grocery shopping on Sundays, planning out my weekly meals, having a general idea of what my week would look like with some exciting moments thrown in for the weekend. It seemed to work so well for you, so it was what I always wanted, and I thought it made sense. I feel like one of the main things that I’ve been missing out on with all this crap is the way you would have talked me through these moments. Telling me how at 27 you didn’t have any of this figured out yet either. How you were living with Randi and Rab, drinking too much, smoking too much, and where nowhere near the house with 2.5 kids and a dog you didn’t want to begin with.

Can you also explain to me please how I’m 27 and I’ve never been in love or even close to it? How will I know what it is when it finally comes along? Who’s going to tell me? For a second in time I thought, maybe that I was seeing the beginning of something that could have been it, but it never quite got off the ground. Maybe I had it all wrong. It feels like I’ll never know.

As you can see I’m currently throwing myself a pity party of 1. Not sure where it’s coming from because I was really productive today, and feel awesome about it. Who knows, maybe it’s from everything happening with Carly. I’ve never really seen a loved one suffer before first hand. It’s brutal. Obviously its way worse for her, but sitting there next to her knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to make her feel better sucks. Royally. It doesn’t help either that its been one thing after another. She literally hasn’t had a break of all this since early May.

Not much to do about it except continue to be there, keep showing up, whether she wants you there or not. So that is what I shall do. Because there is no getting rid of me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“What if I said yes

What if I'd gone out that night

What if you'd turned left

And everything would've turned out alright

What if I spoke up

What if I took the keys

What if I had tried a little harder

Instead of always trying to please

Joey, I'm so sorry

Oh can you hear me?

Joey, I'm so sorry

What if I said no

What if we never fell in love

What if we'd gone slow

Or a little bit faster and broken up

Would I know this hurt

Would I feel this pain

Do you know that with all I have left in my very last breath

I will call your name

Were you sad, were you scared, did you whisper a prayer to be free

Was it quiet and cold, was it light or too dark to see

And did you reach for me”