In the still of the Hanukkah Party

Hi

Lately when I find myself in a quite moment it’s filled with thoughts of how is this possible. How is it possible that you are gone forever? It really is completely unbelievable.

The Hanukkah party is in full swing at the moment. I hope your looking down thinking, “wow, I taught her well. She’s got this all under control.” If you’re also thinking, “man I wish she had used a different dish for that dip” that’s OK too. But I hope it’s a mix of the two and not just the latter.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Sophie Tucker will shit I know…

Hi –

There are times I find myself wanting to apologize for the way I’ve been grieving. How it’s all internally, and there are no real outward signs. There are times when I get overwhelmed and tear up, but I don’t want to share them. I have no idea why, but in those moments I just want to be left alone to process.

We are down 1 Christmas Eve dinner, and have 2 dinners left. Christmas Day dinner is tomorrow and it’s all on me. I’m actually really excited. I have no idea if I'm capable of pulling it off. I’ve never cooked this much before. My biggest concern is having it all done around the same time and served hot. That’s going to take some coordinating. When I get up in the morning I’m going to need to sit down and really think about which dishes go first and what not. I’m hoping a lot of the prep I can get done a head of time if not the entire dish – and then just reheat to serve.

There were a couple times today where I fully expected you to walk through the kitchen. I’m not waiting for it to happen because I know its not going to. But when everyone is milling about, talking and laughing, I can close my eyes and picture you right there along with everyone.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

I predict more bumps and rough patches ahead

Hi –

A part of me thinks these next 3 days might be more difficult to get through that the first 3 days after you died. Those first 3 days were hazy, and everything seemed to move in slow motion and look fake.  Now, I cant help but be constantly reminded that your gone and thinking your missing this all.

I’ve made all the lists I can think of, done all the shopping there is to do, and now I’m left with free time. Randi is going to come over tomorrow and we are going to bake all day – that should help. Having Randi around helps. I can feel myself anchored to her, if that makes sense. As long as she’s around something is like is used to be. I wish Rab were here too.

Grandma asked me for a nail file today – I didn’t have one, and I had absolutely no idea where any would be in the house. Definitely not in the top left drawer in your bathroom.

I almost lost it on Matt today – I should probably apologize. It was just me taking out my grief and longing on him. He actually didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just trying really hard to make this a semi-enjoyable holiday for us all. I know its not going to be perfect, and I’m OK with that. Perfect is overrated. My biggest concern is that the food taste good. As long as that happens I think we are good. The more I try though, the more I miss you. Your food would have tasted delicious. It always did.

I’m going to head to bed now. Its late, and I have an appointment with Michael for him to look at my toe and hopefully work some magic. I’m making daddy come with me because I'm really scared it’s going to hurt badly. Think happy non-painful thoughts.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

I catch my breath sometimes...

Hi –

When Sue holds the baby and says things like ‘How’s Grandma’s Boy?” or “You’re looking at Grandma aren’t you?” I can’t help but think of you, and yearn for you to be here now. To be sharing this with us all. Not just the holidays, or Kalel. But everything. The trip to Costco for food, the million lists I have all over the house, the debate about the menu for the Hanukkah party, everything, and nothing at all. I yearn for you to be sitting at the kitchen table when I wake up in the morning and come stumbling in. To be looking through the newspaper drinking your second cup of coffee, and ask me what I want for breakfast. For you to have taken some coffee out of the pot and set it to the side because you know I like iced better than hot. For to you already have our day planned out with errands. 

“Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.”

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Once upon a lonely Florida highway

Hi –

I spent 3 hours in the car today alone, and the entire time all I could think about was you. And me. And all the things we are going to miss doing together. It was a sad ride. A long ride, and a quite ride. And I get to do it again tomorrow. Go me.

Wish me luck. Both on the ride, and my meeting.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

FOUND IT!!!!

Hi -

Tucked away in an ancient Betty Crocker cookbook.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

I just can't seem to help myself.

Hi –

I’m officially home, and back in matt’s old bedroom. Which I guess has become my room. Even before everything happened, I slept in this room more than mine. When we were all home for Matt and Lauren’s anniversary party I slept in here then too.  Either way though, I think in everyone’s mind this is still Matt’s room. And in the next room where Grandma is sleeping is still my room.

A couple interesting things have happened since I’ve been back. I forgot my deodorant in the city so I went and opened the second drawer in your bathroom expecting to be able to use yours but it was all dads’ stuff. Somehow I don’t think it would have had the same affect. Luckily though, Grandma came to the rescue. I’ll use hers again tomorrow morning before I go to Target and get some of my own.

Then after we got back from Dee and Phillips I wanted to do some dissecting on my foot and I went to get a needle from the drawer in your closet and there was no drawer.  Dad has done some remodeling. The drawer isn’t gone though – it’s in the dining room.

I’m glad Dad has done some remodeling. I think it helps him. Which is fine by me. Anything to help him. You should see the new TV though – it’s pretty fancy. Lucky for me, I get to wake up to my reflection in the black screen of the old TV. Which is currently positioned at the end of the futon. I guess this will be one of those situations where not being able to see without glasses or contacts will be good. Otherwise I think I might freak myself out.

In other news, in less than 30 minutes while watching TV last week I managed to reverse all the work that good old podiatrist did on my big toes all those years ago. I think this time I might have gone too far with the picking at my nails situation. Luckily Dad has taken pity on me and come to my rescue. I’m currently wearing an incredibly attractive dr. scholls band-aid with some magical medicine to deaden the skin around the nail. In hopes that in a few days I can rip out the nail that is causing me unbearable amounts of pain. Wish me luck. However, until then I’m a little clueless as to what I will wear for shoes while in Florida. All I brought are my Ugg boots which its too hot for. My sandals, which are currently unacceptable because of my lack of pedicure. My only option is my flats that I brought, except my feet sweat in them, which is probably not a huge help to the nail situation.

Heading to bed now. Tomorrow is a fun filled day of ornament shopping and then I’m headed to Orlando.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Coming to you from Mid-flight. Thank you Delta and Google Chrome!

Hi –

I’m currently sitting in seat 13F on Delta flight 2079 flying home. Today is exactly 4 months later, and I’m on my way home. It’s actually a bit poetic. Especially because I’ve had quite the perfect day. I woke up and leisurely got ready to leave for the airport – I wasn’t rushed at all. As soon as I stepped outside my apartment a cab pulled up. When I got to the airport the person who checked my bags scale was broken so she didn’t weigh my bag (which I’m sure was over 50 pounds). As I was waiting in the insanely long security line I was picked to move to a lane that just opened and made it through rather quickly. And now the middle seat in my row is empty. I would say it’s the polar opposite of the last time I was headed home. Here’s hoping this feeling of calm carries its way through my two-week stay.

Should be a good if not insanely busy and super interesting two weeks. The first event I’m going to is Dee and Phillip’s Annual Hanukkah party. I’ve never been to once before but I hear they are quite the party. Something about shots and guitar hero I think. I’m slightly worried I’ll be somewhat of an animal on display, as I tend to be in big event situations lately. ‘That’s her. It was her mom, Phillips sister’. I’m hoping for none of that. At least Randi will be there. We can hide in a corner together, perhaps in the home theater. That would be perfect actually.

I have a headhunter meeting on Monday. I’m looking forward to it actually. Hopefully it will lead to some interviews if not an actual job. The one thing though is I did such a number on my big toe the other night that wearing heels is going to prove difficult. I’m sure Dad will yell at me once he gets a glimpse of it. I had no idea what I had done though until it was already finished. It’s bad. The worst I’ve ever done. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now.

Sara and I came up with a really funny joke earlier today. I sent her a picture of the Christmas tree that dad bought – which is HUGE by the way. She asked me how many Rosenthal’s did I think it was going to take to get the star on top. I told her non. It was going to take one Lamonica or one Waldstein. I thought it was funny.

I have about an hour left on my flight. I’m going to go listen to my carefully constructed play list that I put together.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“I could swear by your expression

That the pain down in your soul

Was the same as the one down in mine.”

"The more distressing the memory, the more persistent it's presence."

Hi –

I just watched the trailer for ‘Water for Elephants’ and be still my heart. Hal Holbrook plays the older version of the main character Jacob. I think you should go pull Dixie Carter away from whatever she is doing right now (because in my head you guys are together) and you should watch the trailer immediately.

I’m super excited for this movie. I liked the book – and you were the one who gave it to me. I remember I made you tell me one important fact about the book after I read the first few chapters. Because I was really worried that one very specific thing was going to happen and then I was going to be heartbroken. Turns out, I already am.

Anyway – Getting my day started. It should be quite a doozy. It’s the last one I have in the office before I go home for 2 weeks. It’s already a bit frustrating.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Sleeping pill induced ramblings

Hi –

I’m laying in my bed waiting for the sleeping pills I took to take affect and I have so many thoughts running around in my head. There are too many to make sense of, or to begin to put them down on paper. So many feelings I’m having.

I’m going home on Saturday for the first time. It’s the first time to me. First time since it’s all became real. The last time I was home, you had just died and I hadn’t processed it all. Not saying I have now, but this is a planned visit.  A visit full of plans. A visit meant to make new memories, and uphold old ones. To start new traditions, and keep old ones. To make the old traditions mine.

Here’s hoping I remember where everything is in the kitchen for the Hanukkah party.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“I'm awake in the afternoon

I fell asleep in the living room

And it's one of those moments

When everything is so clear

Before the truth goes back into hiding

I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding

To work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend

Tell me now; tell me how to make amends

Maybe, I need to see the daylight

To leave behind this half-life

Don’t you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right

This is just a half-life

Is there really no escape?

No escape from time

Of any kind

I keep trying to understand

This thing and that thing, my fellow man

I guess I'll let you know

When I figure it out

But I don't mind a few mysteries

They can stay that way it's fine by me

And you are another mystery I am missing

It takes so much out of me to pretend

Maybe, I need to see the daylight

To leave behind this half-life

Don’t you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right

This is just a half-life

Is there really no escape?

No escape from time

Of any kind

Wake me, let me see the daylight

Save me from this half-life

Let’s you and I escape

Escape from time”